Samantha Lucas ~ The Life I Write

Where You Can Find Me

2011-10-25T02:48:00.001-04:00

As I've been working so hard to integrate all my on line activities, some links have changed, here's places you can find me...

FACEBOOK

TWITTER

G+

MY BLOGS - Please note new links for these and I do apologize for the upheaval.

The Life I Write
The Many Facets of Samantha Lucas (an overview of my life)
One Blonde's Adventures

Email Me

On the Road to Florida #13

2011-10-22T14:46:00.000-04:00

I have been so busy with work the last two weeks I've barely had a chance to breathe. I'm equally frustrated and excited though that the work has been more life oriented than book oriented. Something is happening in my life, something that feels almost magical for lack of a better way of putting it. Its as if the pieces of my life are being revealed as they slip into place. My brain is expanding, my strength is growing solid, and I'm becoming bolder. I have a passion and a calling on my life and I have a lot of people in my life who don't seem to understand this. They want me to be "normal" they want me to follow the rules of logic... hell, I used to want that myself! I've spent a good bit of my life trying to make sense, follow the common sense, plan think do... be normal, but I'm realizing that Passion doesn't live normal. Passion isn't logical. Passion isn't tame. Passion doesn't have a back-up plan. I'm going after all the things I want in life and I'm also going to surround myself only with people who can be supportive of me in this journey.

I've been living a walking the fence existence much of this year between the life I'm headed for and the life that makes the people around me most comfortable...that stops now.

I have seen how blessed I am and how disrespectful to that blessing it is to water it down so I don't get argued with. I have no real idea why everything has turned completely and why I'm headed into such a beautiful place in life, but I would suspect it has a lot to do with my attitude, the relanguaging and just plain old fashioned hard work I've been doing, but also, for me, I believe it also has to do with my obedience and submission to my god. For without god, I have no real passion in life. Without god how can I have a calling? A greater purpose to my life?

We all filter our experiences through our history, I grew up in a baptist environment, so my language comes from the church and though I don't believe in, agree with, or even rarely darken the door of a church anymore, my faith in a higher power is stronger than ever. I don't worry so much about knowing exactly what that higher power is, I just feel it and follow it... and it seems to be working for me because I am seriously poised to have everything I ever dreamed and that's exciting!

I want to take a moment to thank a couple of people in my life who stood out this past week...

Jamie, because you said something to me the other day that gave me the courage to grab the calling I have on my life and claim it. I appreciate that more than you could know!
Rene, because the other night on the phone you asked me a question and I couldn't answer it. Me being me, I've obsessed over why I couldn't answer. I had the answer in my head, but I wouldn't let it come out. I've since realized that my reality is that I think differently than the normal person and my history is that when I share what I think, what I feel, what I want... I get smacked pretty hard for it. So I don't say if I can get away with not saying. I don't want to live that way anymore, so saying what I feel, what I think, what I believe, truthfully and openly has become a new priority in my life. No more hiding. Never again.
Dale because as much as you've hurt me, you were the first person I ever knew who accepted me for exactly who I am. It doesn't matter what I think or do or want, you have believed in me and made me feel like it was perfectly all right to go after it. I would not be who I am right now without the four years we have spent together. Good and bad, I'm grateful.
Kevin you support me every single day. Even in the dark times you've been going through, I've never felt abandoned. I knew you were always there with your love and acceptance despite what you were going through. I love you more than anything, bubby. ;-)
Alec, though your life experience is short, your soul is wise beyond your years. Though you don't always have answers, your willingness to listen to me ramble out problems or concepts is a gift I can never repay... and I appreciate your company on those mile long walks as well!

The landscape of my life is changing. I am accepting the inevitable. I am taking my hard earned wisdom and I am starting to share in a new and exciting way that I hope will inspire, teach and encourage. I'm taking my recent experiences on the dating forefront and developing a new series of erotic romance novels that is a little darker with bdsm, something I'm becoming more and more drawn to every damn day and it's time to simply admit that. And of course, I am still moving to Florida in 2012!

A friend asked me last night what if I fail?

I got frustrated because I knew I wasn't expressing myself properly, but after sleeping on it, this is what I've decided about my life, passion and possible failure...

My plan is to write and to reach out to women. To inspire, teach and encourage... I'm already doing these things as I know by the mail you send me, so there is no "fail." I'm already published 20 times over, so there is no "fail." The early feedback I've gotten on the new series is that its the best thing I've ever written so I'm confident there is no "fail." What's going on with me now is simply a mental shift where I'm accepting the truths in my life, there is no "fail" in that either.

I realize that the typical person defines success and failure financially, but I don't. I define success by growth, by learning. By the emails I get from women who tell me they've made changes in their lives based on reading my blogs and watching my struggles and successes. I already get those so I've already succeeded. If I get to Florida and can't support myself solely on my writing, because yes I do realize it will be more expensive to live there then here, then I get a job waiting tables. Financial success isn't part of the plan, it will hopefully be a by-product of it, but the intention is to inspire, teach and encourage women into growing strong and living their dreams... I can't fail at that, I'm already doing it.

Have a wonderfully beautiful amazing weekend! Get out and enjoy the fall weather and if you are so lucky, the fall colors. Continue to bear with me through these changes because something amazing is about to happen, and I wouldn't want you to miss it! Until next time ! Samantha

In Search of a Soul Mate #8

2011-10-20T13:22:00.001-04:00

Indulge me. Ordinarily when you join me, I'd like to have a conversation about you, today I'm circling a decision I need to make and over thinking myself to the point of insanity... it involves a man and though I probably needn't say more than that, I'm about to, so please bear with me.

I've been married. 20 years of marriage.
I've raised my children. 2 wonderful amazing boys who, though still struggle with their own idiosyncrasies, the world is lucky to have them!
Dale, to date, probably the love of my life, but though we are still, and I hope will always remain close, we all know that is a closed door.

Do I want to spend the rest of my life alone?

Not really, although I'm not sure I ever want to get into a committed monogamous relationship again either. I'm pretty independent at this stage of my life. I have my writing, and the big Florida move on my plate. I'm working endlessly at reclaiming my body. I have good friends and I'm truly happy. Still, there's sex... I'm sort of a fan.

Though I find the idea of going through the next portion of my life as a single woman appealing, I'd still like to have, for lack of a better word, a boyfriend. Someone to go out with on Friday night, someone who sets my soul on fire with need. Someone who touches my heart as much as my body, but I'm sort of jaded at this point in life and I wonder if that's even possible.

I have a great many hang ups when it comes to sex. I'm not easy. I don't do one night stands and I don't accept offers of intimacy from people I don't feel a connection with. The bad part of that is that I rarely feel that connection mixed with physical attraction. I don't get the spark all that often. Granted, I do live a rather secluded life, me and the laptop and all that, but I find navigating the dating waters difficult. I get scared easily. I turn shy. I've never been very good at dating, I think that's one of the ingredients to my being able to write about it so successfully. Those who can't do, teach, and all that, but I want that to change. I want to find an incredibly satisfying sexual relationship and the absolute truth in the matter is I may be on the verge of that now and I'm not sure how to handle it.

You know that old adage, be careful what you wish for?

There has been a man in my life for the past few months that I have tried very hard to ignore. It's not working. I'm completely torn and conflicted and seem to have come to the place where its jump or take off your parachute. This isn't a soul mate relationship by any definition I've come to so far, yet still, I can't pull away from him... believe me, I tried! So I'm at that place where I'm wondering, do I employ my head or my softer intuitive side?

I stand to lose a lot if I jump here and fail. Of course I will probably learn a lot too so I guess fail is a bit strong of a word. I have trouble believing this man will be able to deal with my shyness and my overthinking and if he can't, then I've put myself in a position to be hurt again... though I've already decided I don't want to live my life taking the road less likely to hurt me.

This man is incredibly sexy and this relationship would be unlike any I've had before, but even though I want it, I doubt myself. This relationship is over a distance at this point, I've never been face to face with him and the strong emotion he can evoke in me, never having even touched me, equally scares and draws me, but I've been riding both edges of the fence long enough, its time to decide, him, and all that entails, or walk away never knowing?

There is nothing normal or typical about this man or this relationship, but I've done typical and normal, it didn't work well for me, yet I still feel pulled in that direction. The quintessential, yet wholly unsatisfying, American white picket fence dream.

I loved my life as a mother. I loved my home and cooking and being domestic, but with my kids grown, nothing about that life feels right anymore. Maybe I'm just being greedy, but I want so much more now.

I know the person I want to be and the life I want to have and its going to be a journey to get there, but I can get there, I know I can! It's very possible this relationship is a gateway to where I want to go. I'm not going in blind, I will be excruciatingly uncomfortable in this relationship at times and I know it, but it will be because I will I grow. Being with him will challenge me, change me, but in my core I believe he's the man that is finally going to unlock all the things my family shut down. He's the man who's going to give me back my wings. I can already feel it starting and I don't want to turn my back on that, but talk about being out of your comfort zone... and what if I fall for him? He doesn't want commitment and marriage any more than I do.

My head says be safe.

My heart says fly!

Oh but he's asking something of me now, something I don't know if I can do. So does it all end here before it ever really got started? I can feel that voice in my head telling me how stupid I'm being to even think I could retain the attention of a man like this. How scandalous this will be. How tragically this will all end.

At the same time, my heart tells me this is the man my soul has waited for from the time of its creation. I don't know what to do with that message. My head argues back that notion is terribly romantic and romantic notions don't serve! ...yet I still hear it.

Do you think I have it in me to cut the binds that hold me down and fly?

I want to fly... but what if I can't?

Though this is solely about sex for him, it's not for me. It's more. I feel it in my soul that its more. As I already said, being with him will change me. I want that change, but can I get passed myself to just be in the moment? Can I stop overthinking long enough to enjoy this?

This will push me in places I've never even tapped into before. Isn't it normal to be hesitant, to be scared?

I've always gotten through the hard times in my life. I'm tenacious and resourceful. I'm just not sure any of my life skills are going to come in handy in this situation. This is like going into an immersion program in a foreign country. It's an adventure. An adventure I dearly want, but an adventure that will cost me... I guess it comes down to am I willing to pay that cost or not?

I have no clue, but I need to make a decision... and soon!

Have a great Thursday! I hope whatever is on your pate, you learn something, get dragged from your comfort zone and find peace and balance in your soul. Until next time ~ Samantha

Monday Master Class - Awareness

2011-10-17T03:38:00.000-04:00

I believe being self aware is key to authentic living and authentic living is key to abundant living. From the time I was a young child, people watching has been a passion with me. I enjoy trying to figure out who someone is by what they're wearing or shopping for, by how they treat the waitress or their children. I think it was that love that led me to writing, but today I find watching people often frustrates me.

Life holds unlimited possibilities and I feel that in our society we have become very condensed in our day to day lives. We follow along like lemmings, the people around us. I think far too often we forget to ask ourselves why we do something and I think this living with our heads down not seeing the world around us has limited not only our happiness, but our giftts we are meant to give our children, our families, the world.

Life is like Disneyland...you know I've been waiting to make this analogy! Anything you could ever want for joy and happiness is there before you, but there is no possible way to do it all in one visit. A successful visit is achievable only when you research, plan, discuss, choose and then accept the unpredictable like the inevitable ride breakdown.

I was speaking to a friend of mine last night and he was telling me things about books he'd read on subjects that fascinated me. I had considered finding these books and reading them myself, but then I remembered if I do that, I won't be able to read the books I already have in my TBR pile, so it comes down to choices. Every day we have to make choices on things we will trade our time for.

I personally have spent too much of my life letting the day drag me along behind it. Spent too much time trying to juggle impossible schedules. Too much time trying to learn all the things the people around me thought I needed to learn. i live my life very differently these days... with awareness. I am aware that I trade my time all day long and once its traded, I don't get it back. I'm slowly learning to include moments of fun in my day, I am a tad bit of a workaholic after all... or perhaps I should say a recovering workaholic. ;-)

What do you trade your time for? We all have the mundane that must be cared for, but I think its far too easy to allow the have to-s to eat up our lives. What makes you passionate? What sends a surge of joy through your soul so potent you can't control it?

If you have it in your mind, let me ask you this, how often do you partake in that passion?

Do you live it?
Do you squeeze it in where you can?
Do you deny it completely?

I know you're busy, I do, but if you are letting the day drag you, if you are exchanging your time all day long with no awareness of how that time is spent, if at the end of the day you feel tired and drained and unsatisfied, at least ask yourself why.

I make no judgements on your life, its yours, you have to navigate it in such a way that you can live with. Try if you can though to understand my family, they are the type of people who do things without thinking. Most of my family is now dead, but I remember as a child, a teen and an adult watching these people run from things, hide from emotions, just jump in without ever checking the water level in the pool. I have never understood that and from this, my passion for making people think has grown to a point where I can no longer hide it.

I've learned from my suffering and my trials and I strive to live authentically and intentionally no matter what, but I honestly do not want anyone to follow me and my life choices like a little mindless drone. That's not what I'm about. I have nothing invested in your life choices, but what drives me, and what grieves me, is to see you running your life with no real foundation or direction other than to do what everyone around you is doing. If I could give you one gift, it would be the gift of vision and clarity. Whatever choices you are making in your life, whatever you are trading your time for, please just know why. Even the unhealthy choices, if you are at least aware of them, when you have the strength, you'll change.

I realize no life is perfect,we always have things to trim and change and as we learn and grow, new things become important, our focus shifts, old things fade away. Life is fluid, accept that. I spent decades of my life thinking if I just got it to "this" place, it would somehow miraculously stay like a painting and all would be perfect in my world. It doesn't work like that. Life is more like a garden. You may have just been out there weeding, pruning and watering this morning, and you got that thing looking spectacular... this afternoon, the summer heat wilted it, weeds came back and you suddenly have an aphid infestation! It's okay, be calm, one trial at a time we lay the path that is our life, just live it in awareness, you'll be all the more blessed for it.

As my life is transcending, so are my blogs, there may be a few bumps in the road ahead as I go through some construction, but please hang in with me. Life is an incredible journey and I only want to walk it with you if you'll let me. <3

On The Road to Florida # 12

2011-10-16T20:16:00.001-04:00

Well we are now down to 23 weeks until my first trip to Florida to scout apartments. I had a fabulous week though might I say and I truly wasn't expecting that. When I wrote my last Florida post, I was feeling tired and flat and truthfully not certain how I was going to get back up. Maybe it was simply sheer determination, but this past week, I started walking one mile every day. Got back to drinking water and back to a more healthy diet, removing some of the inferior choices that had snuck in. I also lost 5 pounds this week. My writing is on fire. So much so that I feel like I simply slipped into a story and series that I was always meant to write. It's so perfect. Everything I've ever wanted to write crystallized into this one concept and I'm running with it!

So today, just one week later, I'm on fire! I'm doing the snoopy happy dance. I'm bouncing off the walls with joy and excitement. Its incredible! I've had a real shift in things this past week. I told a close friend that I felt like I was living in a Survivor challenge, the one where the group has to dig up or bring up from the bottom of the ocean or bring down from tree tops a bag of puzzle pieces, then one person has to put together the puzzle... I feel like I have all the puzzle pieces to my whole life on a table in front of me and I have to put this puzzle together, read the map and reach the destination on said map within 6 months! ... and the whole time Jeff Probst is dancing around naked distracting me!

You can be damn sure I'll make it though!

I'm working on a routine and discipline with consistency. I say that because it hit me this week how disrespectful I can be about you and this blog. I look at my stats about once a week on here and I know you are coming here, you are coming to read something for whatever reason and I take that for granted and skip days and days, keeping the blog like my own personal hobby rather than the camaraderie I'd like to extend. I currently have a plan to blog Sundays, Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. This will move a couple of the regular series I'd been doing, but as I tend to blog late in the evening, I think you'll quickly get the hang of when new posts are available and of course you can always "follow" the blog either through blogger, networked blogs, or the widgets at the top left for RSS subscription or email.

I believe life is beautiful and full of endless possibilities and I believe that dreams come true all the time. I'm making it happen in my own life and I extend my experiences to you in the hopes that something I say encourages you or makes you think about something differently. I've learned with stunning clarity this year how one person can start off a domino effect in your thinking and change your entire world. I won't be so vain as to say I am that person, but I'm certainly willing to try and be her. ;-)

Have a great week everyone! I'll post the Monday Master Class late tomorrow night, but it will be up. I love and appreciate you so very much, because as full as my heart is, without someone to give that too, it makes no difference. I'm all about making the difference. ;-) 'Til next time ~ Samantha

I am...

2011-10-14T16:23:00.002-04:00

becoming...

...stay tuned

A Preview of my Latest Blog Project

2011-10-09T15:55:00.001-04:00

I'm tired of living by the limits others have set on me. I'm tired of playing down to a level that makes others comfortable. I have gifts I haven't even begun to tap into yet and a life so perfectly me waiting, all I need to do is get through the next 24 weeks and hit as many of my goals as possible. I realize I sound like a broken record, but that's simply because I can't afford to forget it. The 24 weeks are going to pass whether I do anything with them or not. Just because I don't feel like walking, or drinking my water on a day, it doesn't set that day aside in some magical pause, its a day lost and I've lost too many already.

Yes I'm a perfectionist and yes I like to push myself hard. I'm finding a routine of work hard play hard to work well for me, although I have struggles with the concept of rest and play still, but I'm working through those as best I can. I'm still struggling with motivation today. I of course had hoped it would be a matter of setting my mind to it and my emotions would fall along happily. Sadly, tis not the case. Won't stop me though, I'm working through the most important 24 weeks of my life, at the end of it, everything in my world will be changed, not simply my weight, but the reason I'm so focused on the weight is because I've discovered first hand how my weight will limit the life I want and as I said at the beginning of this post, I'm tired of living in a limited existence, aren't you?

Aren't you sick to death of people telling you what you can't do? ...read the rest of this post at my new weight loss blog here. ;-)

On the Road to Florida #11

2011-10-07T14:03:00.001-04:00

I've made flight arrangements and rudimentary trip plans for next March. I'm going apartment hunting!

Not many of you are privy to the incident that occurred about six weeks ago, but it rattled me to my core and then there was the court stuff coming to a head and my birthday and... well suddenly I look around and realize I've lost a lot of momentum and motivation and now I'm struggling to get it back.

I think though, rather than simply getting down on myself because I've lost some time, I need to remember that my life aligning the way it is right now is not magic...
its the fruiton of a lot of hard choices and even more damn hard work! I've busted my ass for 2 years to get here and I'm not letting a few mediocre weeks take all that away from me! I have a real shot at everything I've ever dreamed of... good lord I can't quit now!

I'm not afraid of hard work and sacrifice, however I may be the teeeeeeniest bit afraid of success! lol

I'm in the final push and I can't lose faith now. Last night I designed a 24 week plan that will be a hard push to finish, butif I do it, it will put me in such a good place life-wise that I have to at least try. I could use some emotional support though... you know cheering squad, accountability partner, person holding gun to my head... :D Anyone wanting to apply for any of those positions can email me or apply at facebook. ;-)

I'll admit, my motivation has been waning for the past couple of months. I've been slowly losing it and right now, it's practically non existent so I'm going to have to figure out some way to find external motivation, grab at anything I can grab at, but I can NOT stop! This fight I'm in is bigger than a lonely woman wanting a pretty life. I realize on the surface it probably looks pretty shallow, and I have been in a much more selfish place than usual the last 2 years, but I remember making the decision to drop all the pursuits of saving the world I'd taken on. I remember the decision I made to pull away from friends and to walk alone. It was done very much in the vein of putting the oxygen mask on yourself before putting it on your child.

I'm a passionate woman who very definitely wants to change the world. Maybe I'm the kind of women you all want to make fun of, saving the world through modeling for instance. People always underestimate me, but I'm okay with that, it gives me power. :) When I come out of this, when I get to Florida, and hit the other markers I've set for myself, I'm going to come on strong and I will make a difference in this world, but I'm going to make that difference from a place of strength so that when I start something, I've got the power and knowledge to finish it.

I've been watching The X factor, the other night they'd put everyone chosen so far into groups and had them perform. In that setting, it was so evident who had that X factor and who didn't and I realized that I've spent way too much time trying to blend in with the people around me. In my new life, I don't intend to blend anymore... I'm going to shine like a well cut diamond under a spot light. If I have to keep the blinders on for a while longer to finish this, I will and I'll push away the guilt I feel for not being the best friend in the world right now, or for not jumping in to help when the world goes crazy. I've been reading Esther's story from the bible a lot this year, its given me strength to keep going. Like Esther, I feel I've been sequestered in the king's harem to be readied to meet my destiny... For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?" Esther 4:14

I'm not a religious woman, but I have taken a lot of encouragement from that verse this year. Esther had no idea what an impact she would make, but she was obedient. For a year she lived in a harem preparing to meet the king for her "one shot" at pleasing the king. I don't think she ever realized how big of a deal that would be and I realize it was a very different time, but there are days I feel wasted because all I do is exercise and write and drink my water and read, but I have to be ready and that's what this time is about, preparation. Like Esther I will have my moment and I will be ready.

I do believe in destiny, but I believe its our choices that make it. I'm not going to throw away all the hard work, all the hard choices I've made, not now, not just as the curtain is about to rise on the greatest part of my life.

You can change your life. I promise you. You just have to find that place inside you that knows you were made for more than you've accepted. Dig deep, find your fighting spirit, cut out anything that doesn't serve, be brutal, push yourself harder than you knew you could and never ever give up.

Despite set backs, because there will be many.
Despite your own mistakes, give yourself some grace, you're going to screw up.
Despite naysayers, for they will be cruel.
Despite what you've been told all your life, I'm telling you if you feel it in your soul, if you know you were made for such a time as this, grab it! You can change everything and all it takes is changing one thing... your refusal to accept less than ever again.

24 weeks, it's not a long amount of time, but I'm going to wring everything I can out of it. 24 weeks and I'll have all my answers, enough of them anyway. 24 weeks until the big finish. I'll do it... just watch me! ;-)

2011-10-06T19:49:00.000-04:00

I know... I know... I have neglected the blog of late.

I apologize, after the court stuff got settled, I sort of crashed. I think it was the whole last three years being finally over with it all just hit me so hard that all I did all day was play games, cry, pray and think. I'm coming out of that now and I very much want to get back to blogging, I'm just needing to do a bit of tweaking and organizing so I can remember where I left off.

So don't give up on me, I have a lot to say and a lot I want to share... just stay tuned ;-)

Compassion and Pain

2011-09-28T15:18:00.000-04:00

It seems fairly easy to feel this thing called compassion when we see images of earthquakes and starving children thousands of miles away. We saw it closer of course when the Trade Center fell and we always hear amazing stories of heroism and something called the strength of the human spirit whenever a disaster strikes. Some of us feel this compassion when we see a needy animal and it touches our need to help in some way. We send money to causes we think worthy. We send prayers to victims and the hurting. We may even tread gently through life so as not to cause any harm or pain to another. Still, I'm finding true compassion to be a rare thing in a day to day sense.

I'm not saying there isn't any. I know for a fact there are people out there who give of themselves every single day for no other reason than it's in their spirit to do so. These are the people we call angels. The men and women who bring Christmas trees to families so poor, they otherwise never would have had one. The people who show up in hospitals and by sick beds bringing soup and prayer and companionship. The people who take in the strays, be they the four legged or two legged variety. The people who don't seem to care that no one is going to thank them or throw them a parade for their acts of kindness, but what of the rest of us?

I personally have gone through a season without compassion. Not a single person in my day to day life could spare an ounce of it, despite I was in my own personal hell. Despite I tried to find help. Despite I tried to find compassion, all I got was condemnation and persecution that I didn't deserve.

That's fine. I'm a big girl and one of those who goes through life doling out compassion to those around me and I will continue to do so, but my eyes were opened to how heartless we've become as people and this grieves me. From where I sit, our culture has become numb to pain and suffering. We've become a culture who medicates rather than feel any discomfort and I'm not
just speaking of literal medication for physical pain. We are all medicating deeper emotional pains to the point our society is decaying at a terrifying rate.

Pain is not a bad thing!

Pain is not something to be avoided at all cost.

Pain is a signal that something in our hearts, minds, or bodies, needs attention. Its a signal that needs listened to, not feared and ignored.

Pain is also an opportunity to those around you to dig deep and find that compassion that's buried in all of us. Being honest about your pain is a gift to yourself and to us.

There is healing in this life. I've seen it. I've received it. You don't have to walk around broken and ineffective, but unless you're willing to dig in and face your demons head on, unless you're willing to stop medicating with your job, or your kids, or your video games, or food... that pain you live with will always be there and you will always have to chase the next does of medication and that becomes your life and you will never be the amazing person you were created to be. You will never give the world the gift you have in you and that is a tragedy in the purest sense of the word.

I know I harp about parenting all the time, but it scares me the way we raise our children in bubbles of fairy dust and unicorns rather than dare let them see the real world. Then when they have to go out there, they have no real useful life skills to handle how brutal life can be. They get knocked on their asses so hard and so fast they are stunned and thus begins the cycle of self absorption and they don't have the capacity for any real compassion because they never even realized seriously bad things happen to people, they never even knew bad things could happen to them... after all, they're "special" everyone's told them so all their lives. It's all cartoon violence and every body get a participation trophy and... one of my personal favorites... the soccer league that stops allowing one team to count their goals if they get more than 2 ahead of the other team, because they don't want to injure the self esteem of the children on the other team.

We are now seeing this generation raised with such concern for their "self esteem" and so far all I'm seeing it did was raise a lot of people who have a sense of entitlement and a serious lack of compassion for the suffering of others. Although, the second their suffering is overlooked, you can be damn sure you'll hear about it.

We all suffer. We all have open wounds from any manner of things that have happened to us in our life. Don't you think its time we deal with these things and stop medicating it? Don't you think its time to show compassion to the people in your peripheral vision?

Is there someone in your neighborhood you think may be hungry? Maybe a single mom needs help with her kids, or perhaps just a night off to do whatever she wants. Are there any strays you know of that need a home and some love? What about at your local hospital or nursing home, is there someone there who could use some flowers and a warm smile?

What about your neighbor who's reported you to every city official for everything from your barking dog, to your over grown grass? I'm guessing she must be in a great deal of pain and her choice of medicating that pain is to lash out at others. No its' not fair, not it's not right and no you may not be able to do a damn thing about it, but the anger you hold onto is only hurting you. Let it go. Try and see her as the flawed, broken, hurting individual she is.

What about your boss who you can't ever please and barks at everyone and seems like just an overall miserable person? How much pain do you think he's in?

How about the person who has spread lies about you in your circle of friends? I've experienced this one often, but you can't allow the words of another to define you. You have to stand stronger than that and one of the best ways to grow strength is through the practicing of forgiveness and compassion.

As a society we are too quick to judge and harden our hearts. Our media vilifies people without regard for them or their families. We rarely know the truth of what happened in even the most tragic of events, yet we all love to talk and gossip and condemn. What if we doled out compassion instead? No matter how hard it was.

I realize its a bit pollyanna-ish of me, but I want to live in a world where people take responsibility for themselves. If you're in pain, stop medicating and find real healing. If you have the ability to show compassion and aid that healing, reach out. Let your children see the real world and the problems they're going to inherit one day. How do you know it won't be your child who grows up to solve that problem?

Stop medicating! Stop being mean. Stop being afraid to feel. Stop walking around blind to the suffering around you. Open your spirit to the truth and beauty and hope that is alive and well in our world and connect with it. Be a real boy Pinocchio, I believe in you.

Monday Master Class - Excuses

2011-09-27T02:51:00.000-04:00

Last week on Glee, Emma Pillsbury said about Will Schuester that he had gone from being a man of words, to being a man of action. I had one of those moments where those words resonated with me and I started to see something in my own life very differently.

I make far too many excuses that enable me to not live the life of my dreams and then I stopped.

Something shifted when I heard her say that, I'm always thinking, always pondering, always learning, reading, talking to other people, listening to their experiences... but I'm not doing anything. That's what I've decided this new year is all about for me. The last year was the year of living intentionally, this is the year of simply living. I'm not planning any more. I'm not plotting. I'm not thinking. I know what I want, its the same things I've wanted since I was fifteen years old and its about time to go after it, so no more excuses, even though they are perfectly credible reasons to not do (insert whatever here) I'm just not going to accept them for myself anymore.

Life is in the small choices we make every day and I personally have a hard time remembering that, but I started on Saturday simply doing the best I can to move forward to my goals no matter what my circumstances of the moment may be. My life is full of road blocks and obstacles, always has been, I need to accept the fact that may always be the case and do I want to look back at my life and only see all the times I let stupid things derail me, or all the times I prevailed?

I'm not afraid of hard work and sacrifice, the only thing keeping me from everything I want so desperately is me and all the aged old messages in my head that tell me I can't, but I accomplished something today. It wasn't perfect. It wasn't record breaking. It wasn't much of anything really, but I believe that every time you make the choice to overcome your circumstances, even in small ways, you grow stronger, you learn, you make it easier to make the good choice the next time and eventually that choice is permanent and your life is changed and you have found the place you were meant to be all along. :) I made that choice today, I've been making that choice every day since my birthday.

What I need to do next is forgive myself for all the time I wasted this year. All the times I let those excuses stop me. I've had a rough ride, but no more excuses. I do all I can the best I can each day. Big or small, every step will be a step towards where I want to end up and I will deal with myself with grace and understanding when I don't do all I wanted, and I will recognize the work I do accomplish... this is going to be extremely difficult for me, but it feels like the exact trail I need to travel and the right choice for me to make. So here I come life... no more excuses!

on the Road to Florida #10 ~ A Road map to burried treasure

2011-09-24T16:33:00.000-04:00

For some people, I imagine, life is a very simple thing. You get up take care of your family and responsibilities, perhaps give back to your community, watch a little TV go to bed, do it all again tomorrow. I am not that person.

I'm one of those chronic over thinkers. I have to analyze just about everything to death. I have to cover all bases of an argument so I can see other points of view and not judge people or make them angry. I am constantly worried about every one else's feelings and I am constantly wondering if I'm making the right decisions.
Wow, what fun am I?

As I did all my introspection this past week I found myself asking where I could dial that back some...
or a LOT. Its a hard question for me.There are certain people in my life who know how to turn off that over thinking switch like perfection, and I'm profoundly grateful, yet I still find myself asking why can't I learn to do it for myself? I really hate leaning on people, primarily because I'm excruciatingly bad at figuring out who's actually trustworthy and who's not, so I just want to be able to take care of myself and not need anyone, but something deeper in me says that's not how people should be with one another. We should be there for one another. We should lend ourselves to help a friend when they need it.

I once read a description of heaven and hell, I believe it was in a CS Lewis book, as the man viewed into hell there before him was a banquet room with every food and decadence imaginable laid out before a group of people sitting at this table. The problem was these people's arms were deformed and there was simply no way they could take any of the food before them and reach their mouths with it. So there was much grumbling and cursing and crying and probably even gnashing of teeth. ;-) In the second room it was the exact same scenario, only the people at the table in heaven, were all feeding one another.

Its a hard thing to admit, both in our culture and as a woman, that you are simply better and stronger when you have someone to partner with, someone watching your back. I want to be the strong independent woman, but if I'm having to constantly watch the bills, manage the house, finish the leaving the nest portion of parenting, deal with all that court crap that's been on my plate recently and because I'm the type of person who is so driven to be in charge and take care of everything... where do I find the time and energy for my art, for my spirit, for me?

As a chronic over thinker, I'm habitually bad at taking any time for myself, for play or for rest. I find I can't give myself permission for it, but if one of my friends comes in and says, "You've worked really hard today, take some downtime", then I allow it. That seems like brokenness to me, but I'm doing a study on the entire concept of brokenness, so I'll reserve judgement on that for the time being. :p

However, if I had a partner, someone who pushed me when I needed pushing, and picked up slack when I was going under. Someone who knew where my calm down button was and knew when I just needed held while I cried. Someone who not only believed in me, but inspired me... but maybe that's simply a fantasy. I've never seen it in real life, yet in my soul I still search for it. I know that I'm a pretty damn good woman, BUT I could be phenomenal if partnered with the right man. I've believed that all my life and yet both my relationships were SO far off that mark and I ended up having to take care of them and their lives and was rarely given anything in return. I'm having to wonder if what I crave is even possible to achieve, am I searching for something that simply doesn't exist?
I'll continue my musings on this topic in this week's Soul Mate post...
and in the meantime, back to Florida and dreams.

What do you do when you just don't know if the dreams you have can come true? I'm not sure I have an answer for that, but I don't think I can live with myself one more minute if I don't take this leap and see what I can find out there. In my prayer time a few weeks ago I was bemoaning these dreams I have and god said to me, when I created you I created all of you with extreme care, from your eyelashes to your toenails, why would I not create you with dreams and desires that would guide you and lead you to me?

I take great comfort in that and it made me see that these dreams I've had all my life, the same ones my family tried so hard to make me give up and make me feel stupid for even having, may be the very core of my being and the exact things I should be striving for. Perhaps our dreams are simply our internal maps that will lead us to the buried treasure of our lives. So this post is my road-map to that buried treasure, its the path to my dreams. I know exactly what I want from life and it's not much and its not complicated... but I have been told from the time I was a small child that it was not realistic and I should not waste my time on such fantasies.

Well, for the first time ever, in one public place, you be the judge... here are my dreams - somewhat adapted by age and life experience, but the same at their core as they have always been... this is what I want from my life...

I want to write the kind of stories that make readers feel they can't wait for the next one. I want to make my readers cry and become so deeply connected to my characters that they grow real to them and I want to make a secure, comfortable living doing it.
I want a strong and healthy body. I want to be fit well into my 80s and I want to continue to be sexy as well!
I want to be a vegetarian about 90% of the time. I want a comfortable relationship with food.
I want a home. A real home. I've never had one, I've moved probably somewhere around 40 times in my life and I have a constant craving for a home of my own, lovingly designed and decorated where my closest friends gather and love is felt. And once I have it, I never want to move again!
I want Disney World all the time.
I want to travel. I want to see Europe, Morocco and Bali. I want to take a cruise. I want to go back to the Grand Canyon and the Arizona desert. I want to visit small New England villages as well as ones along the gulf of Mexico.
I want a close circle of friends. People who get me and love me despite my crazy, despite my idiosyncrasies, despite my failings.
I want to express my passions in several areas...

writing
gardening
cooking
dancing
wine
books
pottery and ceramics
home making

And I want a man. If I could have anything I wished for, I'd include a man, I would. I'm only skittish because I've been burned and I have good reason to doubt I'd ever find what I'm truly looking for in a man and its not fair to someone to settle for them. So I accept I may be alone the rest of my life and most of the time, except perhaps around three every morning, I'm okay with that. I know I'll be fine, but I'm sort of hoping for more than fine out of life. I want a man who won't be scared by how passionate I can be or by my kinky streak, in fact, I want a man who can see that as a gift. I want a man who gets me and knows how to push me without being an overbearing ass. I want a man who provides me with safety and protection and defends my honor. I want a man who takes my success personal because he knows without him having my back, I wouldn't have been able to reach the heights I did and I want to turn around and be the same for him....

...sorry drifting off into fairytale mode again.

When I close my eyes and dream, that's what I see. That's what I've always seen. I remember being 16 years old and laying in bed at night, dreaming of my home and my husband and the life we would share. At my core, I'm not that different now then I was then. More banged up certainly, but also, more determined to not let anyone take my dreams from me. You don't have to believe in me, or think the things I want make any kind of sense, but I have to reach for them. I have to try everything I can to achieve these dreams, because in the end, it is my life and I have to be the one happy in it.

So I guess all I'm saying, is that despite a minor wobble last week where I debated settling for a life less than my dreams, Florida is back on. The search for a man who gets me and likes me anyway is back on! So I better wrap this blog post up and get back to my story. I've come full circle in my writing and this story I'm writing now feels like the most authentically me work I've done in years and I can't wait to share Grey and Allison's love with you later this year, but, if I don't get out of here, that won't happen. So have a beautiful Saturday and thank you to everyone who wished me a happy birthday yesterday, I was deeply touched! Until next time ~ Samantha

Happy Birthday Samantha Lucas

2011-09-23T16:26:00.000-04:00

I'm about to head out for the evening, some last minute celebratory plans. :) I wanted to post something before I left though. This past week has been... I liken it to changing direction of a sailboat, you don't really have that much control over the boat, what you control are the sails, I've been positioning my sails in such a way I think will be most effective in the coming year to get me where I want to be. Some of those changes you'll see here on the blog in the coming days because friends, I have a LOT to accomplish this year and I'm imploring you to be my accountability partners and cheering squad. I ask for your forbearance when I tweet dumb things like just took my 3rd walk of the day and finished 4k on the wip and I ask for your continued support in emails and comments both here and at fb. I have a mountain to climb and I'll use whatever means available to get to the top because you can make damn certain I will get there!

I know, change is not fun, saw the reality of that on facebook this week, so don't panic, because though some of the formatting here may change, and the content of my posts may seem more random, as always you can count on me to be strange, honest, rambly, and at times pissed off! So see? Same old same old here. :D

I'm taking on five main things in the coming year, illustrated by the new header on the page above...

I've made a rather large commitment to grow in knowing the god who sustains me and in being less afraid to share that. So I will be sharing my faith on here more. I don't EVER want anyone to think I want you to believe what I do. My faith works for me, its very alive and vibrant and I'd be lost without it, but I think the matter of god is a very personal thing and I would NEVER tell you what to think or how to feel in regards to religion or faith. I just want to share the wondrous thing my faith is in my life and I want this to be a safe place to do so. Your indulgence will be greatly appreciated, but please don't think I'm preaching, that's just so not who I am as a person.
A return to a vegetarian lifestyle and continued weight loss. I'll be sharing more of this journey as I know so many of us struggle with weight, fitness, health issues and self esteem. I have a LOT to say on this subject as an overweight woman living in a youth and weight obsessed culture and I think I'm ready to start saying it.
I'm going back to rebuilding my home. The endeavor of love to restore this home. Though I no longer intend to live here past next year, there is much to be done, much to be learned and much to be healed so endeavor I shall.
Writing is back in my life this year and though my finished work has not met my personally set goals in quantity thus far, with the court drama behind me and the personal shifts in my own life with regards to bdsm and men, I'll be going back to my roots, and blending that with my new desires, to create powerful stories of broken people being healed through love.
I'm on a personal journey to discovering bdsm and more specifically D/s. Early this year I met someone who, though not at all intentionally, changed my entire world view. Something about the way he speaks to me, things in my brain shift and light bulbs go on. I've learned so much about myself, not from him exactly, but more from interacting with him, from listening and thinking and praying. Though I've always been a woman with a submissive nature, I've learned that its a part of my sexuality and doesn't have to be a part of my personality. I realize for the first time ever in my life, that I can totally submit to a man in my bed, but I don't have to submit to one damn other person on the planet and that is life changing for me. So part of the journey this year is me trying to kick my more dominant side out of hiding in regards to my day to day life, while remaining true to who I am and true to the god I call creator, savoir and king.

I hope my journey on these things and more will connect with you and you can learn something from this little space on the web. I feel the most in my place in the world when I can make someone feel something or think differently about something. It's not an easy journey, my life, but it has so much depth and color, I wouldn't want anything less.

As I told a friend last night, I feel the last three years have been my life in beta, I think I'm about to go live! ;-)

A Little Early Morning Introspection

2011-09-18T14:06:00.000-04:00

My birthday is in five days.

And aside from the polite people on facebook who'll see its my birthday and post to my wall, its not likely anyone else will recognize it. It's long been that way, probably from the time I turned 17 if I'm honest, and this isn't a pity party, although I did spend a lot of years in tears over the fact, but in time you come to accept the little annoyances life deals you and you find a way to adapt. This I did.

However all that being said, I find myself somewhat depressed going into this my pre-birthday week and its not because of the aforementioned, its because
this is the first time in my adult life that I have not accomplished a single year goal. I use my birthday the same way most people use New Year. I make goals and assess how the year went, my relationships, the choices I've made and I set goals. I'm pretty goal oriented, driven and focused and though I've never accomplish all my goals in a single year, I usually do pretty well and certainly hit the big three, but this year... nothing. :(

Its funny though, because even though that's true, I did accomplish a ton this past year. I got back into publishing. I lost weight, lowered my blood pressure and got overall healthy. I went through the trial of my life and survived and I started dating. The thing that resonates the deepest with me though, is how I grew spiritually.

Those of you who know me well, know what trials were sent me this year and in many ways, this was the absolute hardest year of my life and so I find myself now, especially with the events of last week, reflecting on my journey to who I am now and on my year ahead and what I want to make of it. I'm looking at relationships, and my career, my art, my passion. I'm looking at the words home and soul mate and defining them for myself. I'm continuing my journey with food and coming home to vegetarianism. And most importantly, I'm going home.

The thing I've decided to focus on the most in the coming year, are relationships. I'll need to build new ones when I get to Florida and I want to make these relationships count. I'm not all that interested in having a bunch of fair weather friends surrounding me. I'm not a party girl, in fact, I tend to be shy and get overwhelmed by people so its always been a better strategy for me to have a small circle of exceptionally close friends. I find I'm missing that right now in my life and I know its primarily because my closest friend currently are all online friends. Not that I'm disparaging that, Mark for instance, may be the person I'm closer to than anyone else ever, but its as annoying as hell that I can't just go down to the pub with him some nights and have a pint.

I want more from my relationships in my new life and I'm ready to invest myself.

I also find myself picking through the relationships I have now and decided who stays and who goes and who I want to go deeper with. That's a very hard thing for me, I'm not good with exposing myself and being vulnerable with people, although there is someone in my life now where a biproduct of the relationship is that I'm forced to make myself vulnerable to him and that's teaching me that I can be vulnerable and survive it and that I won't be attacked every single time I am. These are very good things.

I think the main thing that I'm realizing, is that this past year, I went through the fire, and you never come out the same as you went in. I'm trying to adjust to my new reality and I'm continuing to search for truth and authenticity, in myself, my life, and the people around me. I value truth so much and I won't accept anything less, from myself at the very least. I need to be truthful with myself about my motivations and my brokenness and my spirituality, but what I'm not good at, is sharing those truths with the people around me, but I think I'd like to try.

I'd like to find three or four people to form a core group in my life, a group of people who, though our spiritual beliefs, backgrounds, goals, careers may all be different, we can find some common ground to be there for one another, to search for truth and to support each other while we grow in that truth in our day to day lives. I get that for most people that's simply called friendship, but I need more intentional-ness in my relationships than most people seem to. I'm hoping to cultivate something spectacular over the coming few years, although right this second I'll be utterly honest and say I don't see how, but that's the point to goals, it gives you direction and something to strive for and as I learned this year, even when you don't accomplish those goals, wonderful things do happen and the journey towards the goal is more often than not the point anyway.

I apologize for leaving the blog the past week, I had emotional and personal crisis going on which should be completely behind me by Monday afternoon, so this week should settled back down and by next week I should be back to writing on schedule again... well, as much as I ever do. ;-)

Have a beautiful Sunday and may your coming week be full of epiphanies. Until next time ~ Samantha

In Search of Soul Mate #7

2011-09-08T02:48:00.000-04:00

Here are my musings of the day. Sexual satisfaction... is it just as much a myth as soul mate?

I've met several people and even a few animals over my lifetime that I would say were soul mates. The kind of person who just slips into your life as if they've always been there. A person who never judges you, always supports you, and just gets you in a way no one else does. My friend Mark and I can finish each others sentences, its almost scary at times and as long as he and I go without speaking at times, the second we reconnect everything falls right into place as if we hadn't missed a beat. He loves me and I love him. I'd do anything for that man and he knows it. That feels like a soul mate to me.

My sister and I used to be like that when we were growing up. My youngest son and I have that extra undefinable quality to our relationship as well. These are the people who write themselves on your essence and without whom your life would simply not be the same. What has constantly eluded me however is the combination of that kind of soul connection with physical attraction, affection and raw sexual passion.

I think as human beings we are so very complicated and I guess I'm just thinking a lot lately about when I say soul mate, after having recognized that I've already found several soul mates on my journey here, what is it I'm actually looking for? Because I have good people in my life. I've rid my life of the soul suckers that used to be there and I'm over all really satisfied with my life, but there is something missing and its not sex because I could get that quick enough if that's what I was looking for, but its more than that. I'll be honest, sex is important to me, but I want sex with that deeper soul connection and undying passion.

I keep getting told I'm asking for too much and maybe I am, but until I'm certain I can't have this, I'm not willing to stop looking for it. Call me a freak if you must, but I think we're all put on this planet with something written on our soul to seek out. Mine is this. I'm not interested in the fountain of youth. I don't want to rule countries. I have no great passion to figure out how things work and I have no desire for unfathomable treasure. All I really want is inextinguishable passion that is returned by the man I love and I'm quite frankly just not ready to give up on that particular dream just yet... so I guess for now, the search continues.

On the Road to Florida #9

2011-09-03T20:53:00.000-04:00

I had a very hard reminder this week of who has my back, and who does not. I needed it, but I'll be honest, the lesson came in the form of a very hard experience that still has me a bit shaky, three days later. I'm too raw to share the intimate details, but through this, I was betrayed, my life put in danger and I lost a very close friend, but I think the worst of it was that my trust was obliterated. As I have trust issues to begin with, I find myself fighting off a setback on my path to Florida and my new life. I find the voices in my head arguing the old, "See? You can't trust anyone, no one will ever really love you, and you don't deserve it anyway. So just cave, give up the dreams then you won't have to face the disappointment"... did I mention it was a bad week?

Not the week on the whole to be honest, the week was pretty damn good. I'm very nearly finished my current WIP, I've had some really good conversations with people and I had a moment of extreme clarity the other day that left me knowing exactly where I was headed and what I needed to be doing. That was pretty wonderful and though I've been hurt badly again, I'm refusing to let this time around pull me under. Being as sensitive and trusting as I am, I get hurt. I trust again. I get hurt again. I am however
learning to limit the people in my life to two hurts, on the second one, you're out. I'd rather be alone than treated badly by people, even if they express their love and friendship most of the time. I'm of the school of how good a friend can you really be if in your bad moments you can treat me as badly as that? Still, losing people from your lives, damn it hurts.

That being said, we pick up, we carry on. Its what we do. ;-)

I had a good weight loss this week, over three pounds which was pretty exciting especially since I was busier than usual and didn't get out to walk anywhere near as much as I usually do. Going forward, I'm letting the weight loss slide to the back burner. Only because I feel like I've got the rhythm going and can spare some focus for my writing which is still really struggling.

There are 17 weeks until the end of the year. I'm taking on these 17 weeks as if I was training for a triathlon. My three events are writing, weight loss, and learning more about the bdsm lifestyle for personal, writing and spiritual reasons... yes you heard me, spiritual. I've met a handful of people over the past five years since writing erotic romances in the bdsm lifestyle. I've always been impressed with how comfortable these people have been in their own skin, but I've never given it much thought past that. Recently however I met a man who has me thinking differently. He got my questioning my own sexuality and what I need to be truly satisfied, so I started exploring and one of the things that amazed me was rather than what I expected, which was for my good girl, baptist raised self to feel shock, horror and guilt, I found myself hearing god's voice, revealing himself to me in completely unexpected ways that sent me running for my bible, prayer and meditation.

So far its been a very eye opening, beautiful experience and I'm excited to shift focus a bit and see what more I'll learn.

To Love a King is now available for Kindle and Nook and you can find the links for both on my book page. I'm excited because I know this makes the book available to a large number of new people who can now discover the love shared between Naveenah, Antares and Nikolai.

As I finish up for the week I just want to add a personal note, 1. my life is going to be rather uncomfortable for the next little while as I work through the pain of this betrayal and having to continue to deal with this person in the practicalities of life. Also, I have court in 2 weeks and that's starting to slip into my conscious a bit too much and acting like white noise, keeping me from reaching real peace or connection with god. I'd appreciate any prayer or good thoughts you can spare coming my way. I cannot let this set me back, or knock me down. I have to tap into my deepest well of strength and get through, but I could use some back up. :)

Lastly, 20 years ago a close friend of mine was murdered by her husband. I currently have two close friends in my life in abusive relationships. What I experienced the other night was truly terrifying to me on several levels and at the end of the day, I very easily could be dead right now. If you are in a relationship, I don't care, married, dating, simply friends, with someone who cannot control their rage, or feels a need to control you, you are NOT safe. I understand the layers. I understand the complexities. However, life can be a most beautiful, joyous thing and you deserve to have the sunlight bathe your skin while you dance in a meadow, metaphorically speaking. I'm just saying, don't live in fear, don't live in danger. Find a way, find the strength within you and walk away. Don't say it can't happen to you, because in truth, it can happen to any of us in a heartbeat.

On facebook there is an app, God Wants you to Know. My message today was too good and too appropriate not to share...

You can be an echo of your past, or the glory of your future. Past is connected to future through the present. At this very moment, at every moment, you are choosing to carry on the past with all its troubles on your shoulders, OR to let it go and see bright future pull your forward. Choose wisely.

Until next time, stay safe, stay calm and know that your worth comes from a deeper place than someone's opinion of you... no matter how hard that may be. ~ Samantha

2011-09-03T18:39:00.000-04:00

In Search of a Soul Mate #6

2011-09-02T17:07:00.000-04:00

Do you think the combination of physical attraction and chemistry is common or rare? In my case its exceptionally rare, I can only think of maybe three or four examples in my entire life. Because its such a rare thing to me, it always feels like magic... and it has always been for the wrong man. I never feel the same level of attraction, that undefinable draw towards nice, good, solid men, no its always the men who either don't want me back, or are complete asshats and only out to use me. Are you beginning to see the problem here?

My dating/relationship history leaves me truly scared to try again. I had a moment earlier this week where I finally figured out exactly what I want, but I'm less sure I can actually have it...
and if its not attainable, isn't anything less than that settling, and how is settling fair to whatever man I choose to "settle" with? I can't do that to someone, so that leaves me right back to where I started from, I think I'm going to be alone the rest of my life.

I'm not throwing a pity party, though this does make me deeply sad, its like anything in life, you have to want it badly enough to take the risks, and I'm not sure I do. I'm not sure I want anything badly enough to risk real pain and honestly, I feel ashamed of myself for that. At the same time, that ties in so deeply with what I'm looking for in a "soul mate"... I want to feel so safe, that I'm brave enough to try anything. In my ideal relationship, the man of my heart would love me yes, but it would be more than that, deeper and I'd feel so safe knowing he had my back, that I'd reach for those stars that always seem just a bit too precariously perched to be a good bet of reaching and not nose diving. I think if I had a partner who I trusted and who's desire was to protect me, I think I could be amazing and in turn, I'd give that man everything in me, anything he wanted from me, I don't think anything would be too much to ask.

I'll admit, my head is still a mess from last night, but there are times when I wonder if I'm not completely off the deep end. I believe in things no one else does. I crave things I have no understanding of how to find. I annoy my closest friends with my introspection and tail chasing and I push away men ultimately in fear of being rejected or obliterated... not that pushing them away has ever prevented the other two.

I have a lot of days where I feel good and strong and connected body, mind, and spirit, today clearly isn't one of them, but I think I may be too hard on myself for falling down sometimes. For needing. For being unsure. I need to figure out how to let people in, really in, but first I probably need to figure out how to tell which ones are worthy of that. I don't know, maybe my relationships aren't different from anyone else's out there, but there's something missing for me, friendships, lovers, family, there's always something missing, something I'm looking for and today I'm just wondering if what it is I seek, is an illusion and I'm spending my life chasing something like mist in the morning sun, something that cannot be owned.

I don't think I've ever come in first place in anyone's life before. Not my parents, not my husband, not friends, not lovers, not with anyone and I think maybe I'm craving that. Not all the time, I'm not delusional enough to think that would be a healthy relationship, but some of the time. I'm craving that person who'll hold me after nights like last night. I came home and I had no one to turn to and that is the loneliest feeling on the planet... to me anyway.

See the thing is, I've never felt like I had the right to come first to anyone. I mean if your own parents don't put you first, even when you're little and helpless, why would you expect anyone would? I'm confused and conflicted over this because I feel that by saying I need at all, that makes me too needy and therefore unlovable. So in a way, I'm sabotaging myself and my relationship before it ever gets started, but I don't know how to need someone. I don't know how to let it be okay. How to express myself to a person and know its safe and that they won't laugh at me, or take advantage of me when I'm vulnerable. Last night I so badly needed someone, but even the few people I thought about emailing, I didn't want to be a bother, so I said nothing. I don't know how to trust someone so deeply that you know they'll catch you when you fall, and I'm not sure how to learn that either.

So as another week winds down, and though I had a really wonderful revelation earlier in the week, I still feel lost, alone and weak. Trying to manage my beliefs about god, and my physical need for sex and intimacy, and my emotional need to be safe, its enough to drive a woman completely off the deep end. Hope you all have a great week and if you have any advice for me... so long as you can be kind, I'd love to hear it! Until next time, stay safe and listen to your gut, ignoring it can truly cost you your life at times. ~ Samantha

2011-09-02T02:00:00.000-04:00

I apologize, I know many of my regular readers were waiting for a soul mate post, and I do have one nearly ready, but something very traumatic happened to me this evening, not something I'll share or even want to talk about, but I just can't get my brain to work right to finish the post. Please check back later today, I'll try and work on it first thing after I get some sleep. Thank you so much for you patience I do appreciate all of you who read this blog.

The Storm has Passed

2011-08-31T17:58:00.000-04:00

I feel cool air on my skin. I hear birds singing. And the sun has risen again.

January hit like a hurricane in my life. From the moment my yard filled with police cars, to Dale breaking my heart, to Rene teaching me that sexually I need more than vanilla in my life, this entire year has been one long ride on extremely stormy seas. Through it all I held onto my faith, drove all the people closest to me crazy with my over thinking and panicking, but plodded through intentionally and though I have honestly spent much of this year in emotional overload, the storm broke last night. I woke this morning to calm seas as far as the eye could see and even better, a new calm in my soul.

There are four month until the end of this year and I intend to make those months count like you would not believe. If I'm far less social than usual, please forgive me. I will continue to blog, but I'm sort of looking at the next four months of my life like an athlete training for a triathlon. This will be the hardest I've worked. I will probably struggle greatly and want to give up from time to time, but there is a new man in my life as well, his name is Eli and you'll probably be hearing a lot about him over the next little while because I've committed to being under his control as he's going to be my personal life trainer of sorts. I know I couldn't accomplish all that I want to in the next few months without someone riding my ass constantly and I'm extremely fortunate to have good people in my world who truly care for me, I'm going to step out there this once and take advantage of it. :)

I wrote to someone this morning about feeling like a caterpillar ready to complete my metamorphosis. I've felt that much of this year for me has been about letting go of what isn't working, stop trying to make square blocks fit into circle shaped holes. Its been about discovery and there's been a lot of crying, I'll be honest about that, good grief I think I've cried more this year than I have in a decade, but they were cleansing tears I think much of the time and I feel seriously ready to take on this next challenge.

I've taken so many steps to let down my walls, I'm seeing it in my relationships, in my writing... oooh btw did I mention I wrote my first ever bondage/spanking scene the other day? I'm giddy over that! :) but back to walls... they're down and that's an amazing place to be. As I go forward from here, I'm staying quiet in life for a bit longer and taking on something called The Esther Project, something still in beta that I was very fortunate to get to be a part of. The essence of it is a god directed plan for living your life while you are in the harem of the king awaiting the rest of your life to begin. Though I'm sure it sounds very religious, in truth it's not, but it does mandate you connecting with your spiritual core and I love that. Once I get my feet firmly planted in the program, I'll tell you all more, I'm actually very excited about it.

I'm in one of those life is good sweet spots and ready to take on the world!

Monday Master Class - Respect and Pain

2011-08-29T13:41:00.000-04:00

There is a beautiful story told of the set of footprints on the beach.As many people do, I find comfort and truth in this story, but speaking only for myself I will say, anytime god wants to pick me up and carry me, I fight him like a hellcat! I think its probably only after I've exhausted myself or he's knocked me unconscious is he ever allowed to pull me into his arms.Sadly, this is how I have tended to be in all my relationships, but I learned something today that I think is about to change all that for me.

I met a man earlier this year that I was honestly quite enamored by.He opened my eyes to a new world and you know how seductive that can be. I passed on several good men for him, not because he ever asked me to, but because I wanted to experience certain things with him first, primarily because of the level of trust I had placed with him, but at the end of the day, I felt disrespected and I discovered that was my deal breaker. To disrespect someone is to show a lack of respect, esteem, or courteous regard and I find that people who behave in this manner often have every excuse in the world for doing so,yet honestly, courtesy takes but a moment and is important enough to compromise your day over if you truly care about the person in question.

I've spent much of my life as the proverbial doormat, but after Dale's mom attacked me so viciously last year, I decided no more. I'm worth more than that. So as I continue my personal journey I'm learning ways of expressing my needs to people in healthy ways (not always great at that one yet, but I'm working on it) and I'm also discovering what my true needs are, especially in a relationship.

As I've mentioned before on the blog, I'm working on relanguaging my existence. I'm paying more attention to how I use words and how I perceive them. One of the words I have been afraid of all my life was the word needy.
I've always thought it better to be dead than to be needy. This comes from my idiot upbringing and disfunctional family and what I'm starting to discover, is that we all need something sometimes and that's okay. Feeling needy, feeling insecure, feeling vulnerable, all these things of which I have put a negative connotation on, I'm now realizing are simply signs of being human.

I'm discovering that I'm tired of being strong all the time and I'm tired of being abused if I show any weakness. I'm tired of being disrespected and being treated as less than if I allow any vulnerability to show and I'm tired of letting people walk on me simply because I like them and somehow feel if I stand up for myself, they'll leave... truthfully I haven't done that in years, but I realized I was doing it with the man in question here. I'll be truthful, I'm hurting today because I was vulnerable with someone who I thought was worth the discomfort of exposing myself, but now I'm thinking I misjudged either him or the situation, either way I got hurt. However, the important thing here is not that I was vulnerable and disrespected, but that I was vulnerable at all.

That I found it in myself the ability to go to that place with someone, regardless of how it turned out is a good thing for me and I learned from this man that I'm so damn tired of being the strong one, the one who has it all together and has everything handled. I don't mind being that person, in truth I excel at being that person, but even the most well put together person is going to have vulnerable moments. Moments where she feels insecure and unsure. Moments where the world has beaten her down and what she needs is a safe place to unravel and be needy and vulnerable and exposed, and know that whoever's arms she ends up in, she's safe. They aren't going to hold her broken parts against her, but love her all the more for her bravery.

I watched the movie Bride Wars over the weekend. There was nothing else on and I was tired, but the movie actually surprised me because it was the story of these two girls who'd grown up together closer than sisters and it was the story of personal growth and discovery. <spoiler alert> Skip to the next paragraph if you don't want to know how this movie ends... Anne Hathaway's character is the type of woman who always says yes. She's the quiet people pleaser. Kate Hudson's character was the strong, had everything together, control freak. Through the course of the film, Ann learns she doesn't want to be this vanilla girl who bends to please everyone else and in doing so loses her fiance, but gains herself. Kate learns that its okay to not always be perfect. She learns that its okay to cry and fall down and watching her fiance support her through all of that made me see that was what I'm looking for in a man. I want the man who can not only handle it that I cry sometimes, but will hold me while I do so and I'm not afraid to say that any more.

It takes so much inner strength to be vulnerable to another person and I'd been thinking that this new ability I had to go there was because of the man in question, but now I see it more as a new blossom on a tree. It wasn't a sign of how great this man was, it was a sign of how strong I'm becoming. It was a sign of my own growth and maturity and though it ended badly in this one case, I can move on and I can be vulnerable and the world does not end.

I think in part what I'm trying to say, because I know a lot of you who read this blog are single or wishing you could be, don't accept disrespect from the man in your life. I don't care how great he appears to be, I don't care how much he gives you, if he's not respecting you, then the rest is all smoke and mirrors.

It was my 17 year old son who really got to me when he said "Well, if he's going to want to be with you, he's going to have to deal with the fact that you go psycho every now and again... we all manage, its not really a big deal... and besides, you're worth it!"

The biggest key to being respected by others, is respecting yourself first, and honestly, I waffle on that at times. I still give too much of myself away, but when push comes to shove, I do respect who I am and I will not settle for any less from a man in my life than the same. I hate my flaws, don't we all hate our own flaws? Still, when I have a moment where I can look at myself objectively, I know what I'm worth and my flaws are a minor price to pay should you be so lucky that I allow you into my inner circle.

Though this relationship didn't go where I hoped it was going, as always, I learned so much from my time with this man. Yes, I got hurt again... but how many quotes are there on pain being a great teacher and no pain no gain... and so on and son on? Here's one of my personal favorites...

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.~ Khalil Gibran

I don't like pain, but I've learned to coexist with it because I see the purpose it has in my life. I'm not one of those people that can find contentment in shallow living. I strive for more, I go to deeper waters, where there is often pain and suffering, but I am a better person for it and I will never regret the pains I have suffered, even when brought on by my own choices.

Respect yourselves, demand the same of others, and when you find that person who truly deserves your vulnerability, recognize it as the gift that is, to both of you, and cherish it always. Until next time ~ Samantha

In Search of a Soul Mate #5

2011-08-26T00:01:00.000-04:00

Destiny and soul mates... an illusion, or a beautiful thing in an ugly world?

I still don't have the answer to what is a soul mate. It seems the more people I talk to and the more I read, the more I realize that everyone has it defined differently. Perhaps what I need to do is simply define it for myself. Perhaps what I need to do is re-language my thinking.There seems to be several different buzz words on this topic, you have soul mate, romantic soul mate, love, true love, lasting love, passion, fate, destiny, there's happily ever after, the prince charming quest and about a hundred other ways we all seem to be describing the same thing... or are we talking about the same thing?

I took a long look at Hollywood's ideal of soul mates this week and I found something rather interesting, all the movies I looked at portray the power and spectacle of love, something most of us crave desperately in our lives. Yet each story is unique, each love story has its different flow and in some cases a bittersweet, rather than happy ending and how does destiny play into the equation?

Jack and Rose from Titanic, and Rick and Ilsa from Casablanca. there's no doubt that these sets of lovers were destined for one another, yet neither couple gets their happy ending. And what of the spouses these woman take and live out their lives with? Did they get ripped off in the cosmic sense, being strapped to women who could never really give their hearts fully because they'd already done so with another? Or did these women have more than one soul mate? In a different time and place would this have become some polyamorous arrangement or a bonded triad? I don't think so and I'll tell you why, the way these lovers are portrayed in the film, you cannot imagine anyone else in the picture for either partner, yet we know they did go on.

Society sends the message that men can live on their own better than women, so the men (had Jack lived and he and Rose still been separated somehow) most like drifted through life never really finding their tether, but amused themselves with mindless entertainment, good booze, and loose women... hey, it's Hollywood remember, while the women set up a home and raised children in some congenial arrangement that gave both partners some sense of comfort at the end of a long day.

On the other end of the spectrum from that is Noah and Allie from The Notebook. Now there's a love story! Nothing could separate these two, in the end, not even death as they succumbed in one anothers arms.

I think when people use the term "soul mate" this kind of enduring love is what they are referring to, its what they are seeking for themselves and with each bad relationship, with each divorce, they beat themselves up and wonder what is so wrong with them that they can't find something as simple as true, unending love.

Then you have Pretty Woman, your modern take on the classic Cinderella story. Do Vivian and Edward live happily ever after once the credits have rolled? Honestly, the odds aren't good. Yes they fell in love, you could see that, but did they have that deeper connection like one soul sharing two bodies? I'm not sure they did. I think theirs was a true love, but not a soul mate love.

What about Rhett and Scarlett, leader of the disfunctional relationship category, but were they soul mates? I think they were in a sense because if you look at the scope of the movie, the relationship changed them. Rhett's love for Scarlett forced them both to grow up, brought out Rhett's softer more gallant side and if only she'd seen it sooner, I think the two of them could have become an amazing team and they definitely had a passion for one another!

What about Ross and Rachel, Lucy and Ricky, Johnathan and Jennifer Hart, Gomez and Morticia Adams? Each had a deep and abiding love for one another and a good deal of passion as well. One of my favorite moments in romantic television is the moment where Ross and Rachel kiss finally getting together after teasing us for I don't know how long and Pheobe states, "See? He's her lobster." Because at the end of the day we all seem to want to believe we have a lobster, but what are we truly looking for, a happily ever after, or that one great love that stirs passions in us so deep that we are forever changed?

I know I could have lived happily ever after with Dale. We would have had a good life and he would have made me truly happy until the day I died, but the entire time I was with him, I was never... I never felt he was "the one". I would chastise myself for this thinking all the time because we were great together in almost every way, but there wasn't any real passion burning between us. Still, why sabotage an otherwise perfect relationship over a little thing like passion?

If things hadn't come to a head with his kids, I would have stayed, but now that I'm single again, and being entirely honest with myself, I think its that passion I'm looking for. I want a forever relationship, but I need passion. I need the man in question to be hopelessly in love with me, but desire me madly as well. One of the messages I've received all my life is that passion doesn't last, so you should never build a relationship on one. I'm not seeing other relationships last either, so if its going to end anyway, maybe I'd rather have the passion for as long as I can get it! I want to get swept away head over heels in lust, if not love, for once in my life and maybe after I've experienced that, I'll have a more rational outlook on forever and happily ever after.

Here's what I'm wondering, as each of us are created as individuals and we all have different needs and priorities, perhaps we should stop looking at soul mates as this ideal that perhaps not all of us are programmed for. That's not to say there's not a perfectly good mate and a happily ever after out there waiting for you, but what if some of us are programmed for something more than that?

As you most likely know, I love to play the Sims, when you create a sim you have to choose a lifetime reward, or goal, something that sim strives to meet over the course of its life. Say you pick "master chef" well then that sim may get married, have children and build a lovely life, but what drives it, is cooking, creating recipes, getting chef promotions, the wife and the kids are frosting, but not their cake. Now however if you choose a hopeless romantic sim and give it the goal of raising 5 kids, everything about that sim will be about love and family. All the desires will be find a love, get married, have babies, what will make their happiness meter soar is falling in love, spending time with that person, teching their child to walk, a first day at school... that sim may also be a natural cook and enjoy gardening and creating recipes, but they aren't driven by the desire to be recognized for their culinary skills.

Take this example into real life and what of Mother Theresa? I believe her soul mate was god. And Madame Curie or Lewis and Clark, Leonardo Da Vinci? What of the person who's consumed by the passionate desire to cure cancer, run for president, express their soul in some form of art? What if as each of us are created we are created with a burning passion in our soul that our time here on earth is about reaching that and what if some of us seriously have a piece of ourselves hidden in another person and our quest is to find them?

I know a ton of people who couldn't care less about soul mates, they just want to find a good person to share a life with. That's a beautiful thing, but that's different to me than that craving to find a great passionate love, not better or worse, simply different. I think its possible that those of us who need an actual soul mate are few and far between and therefore it makes the entire process make more sense to my mind in large part because we no longer need to match up the entire planet properly, but for some of us, that match truly does mean something bigger than a good soul to come home to at night. For those of us with the "soul mate" trait, there truly is someone out there who, won't complete us as a person, but somehow does hold the key to a piece of our souls that are asleep.

What if sleeping beauty was real? What if for some of us, a piece of our souls are asleep, like when god put Adam to sleep to pull out a rib to make Eve, and what if there is a person out there whose "kiss" will awaken that last piece of us and that is what we're looking for?

The idea of love and soul mates means more to me than the wonderful feeling of fitting with someone. Its more than a person to snuggle with at the end of a day, to go on vacation with or to have dinner with. I had that, for my soul, it wasn't enough and though I tried to settle happily for it, fate, destiny, god, said no and pushed me viciously from my place of comfort. Now I'm back out in the world searching once more and trying to figure out what it is I seek. Something deeper inside me keeps pushing me for more than nice more than comfortable there's a part of my soul that whispers to me of passions untold. Its a very tempting call, now if only I could decide if I am brave enough to answer it.

Personal Thoughts on My Writing Life

2011-08-24T14:13:00.000-04:00

I think its strange how so many people assume getting your work published is the toughest part of being a writer. That part isn't hard per se, it simply takes tenacity. What I find difficult is managing the ebb and flow of life and the sometimes persnickety appearance of the muse. When I first got published, which is nearly an unbelievable five years ago, that all went pretty smoothly. Once I was over the "no" hurdle, things fell into place with my publishers and readers. What became my downfall was what I saw a lot of other writers struggling with at the time, our personal lives.

I think I understand now why so many artists give their entire world for their art, because if you have the soul of an artist, you have a certain drive that forces you to share that art and nothing else but being able to achieve that ever truly brings satisfaction to the deepest part of your artist soul. I wasn't able to do that three years ago when my life took a series of twists and turns and I had to drop my writing. I look now at the authors I knew then who all started the same time as I did and how much they have achieved and it brings me sorrow... not for them mind you, I feel a great sense of pride in seeing the success of women I liked and admired, but a small part of me (no matter how many times you or I tell me its silly) will always wonder if I'd made a different choice, if I'd chosen my art, where would my life be right now?

That being said,
I don't regret my choice, I gained invaluable life experience over the past three years and its that path that has brought me to the place I'm in now where for the first time in my life I'm willing to say it's MY life and y'all don't like it, screw yourselves. :) In the most polite way possible of course. :) But that's a good place for me to be and that brings us full circle to today and my writing.

This year got off to a great start, I wrote, subbed and published my first novel in three years and that felt wonderful! Then Dale and I broke up and for the first time in my life I experienced true heartbreak and it sent me into a spiral of self doubt and depression that I had to use most of my energy to get through. So once again, no writing. That started a process of uncertainty that I could ever be a serious writer because I'm blown off course too easily.

There's no argument for that, its true, life does blow me off course, but one of the things I'm learning is that perhaps its not "off course" as much as going where the wind takes me is simply my journey to learning and growing and perhaps I need to structure my life to be more accommodating of that journey. I mean think of all the great waves you'd miss if you sat in the ocean and refused to ride the waves it sent you but rather waited for the wave you thought you needed. Right now, my life is extremely calm and I am writing again. So if I set my mind to writing my ass off during the calm periods, then when the rougher seas come along, as they will inevitably, I can lay my writing down and focus on navigating the storm because I've written, polished and subbed six books during the calm times.

It could very possibly be that is simply my rhythm, and I think I can be okay with that. For me, its most important to have the right perspective and that's where I find my friends invaluable because they will say the most innocuous things, but they'll be the exact thing I need to hear in the exact moment I needed to hear it to shift my perspective, make me stronger and keep me on course. Yesterday I was struggling with a decision of whether or not to medicate my self editor with a boatload of caffeine so I could get through a particularly vulnerable scene in the latest WIP. It was my dear wonderful friend Kevin who essentially told me to stop trying to be perfect and accept the fact that sometimes we need a crutch in life and that doesn't make us a failure. So I drank that boatload of diet coke and I got the scene written and it turned out perfectly. Today I'm drinking extra water to rehydrate and if my internal editor needs gagged with caffeine, then for now I'm just going to give it to her. :p

For all of us it always comes down to priorities and mine currently is the art of storytelling and the discipline of writing. So as I grab a hold of the writing with a vengeance, I'll make a few concessions and I've made a few commitments with my god to keep me balanced. To keep me from falling into the pit of perfectionism, and to teach me a few life lessons I'm still struggling with, and lucky you, I'm about to share all that, but first, another person in my life also reminded me today that life is fluid and nothing stays the same. What I'm writing now is the best work I'm capable of now, and that's all I should be striving for. A year from now I'll be a different person than I am now and I'll probably write differently. I'll have new depths and new experiences from which to pull, as I have now from my experiences of the last three years and those are good things. Things I'm both happy and excited about.

As I mentioned last week in the road to Florida post, I've started playing the Sims Social on facebook. The only thing I really don't like about the game so far is that pesky energy requirement. I do however appreciate that the game does give us things to do that does not require energy so its not a matter of game over the second you run out of energy, but still, its annoying. However, I have turned that negative into a positive for me and my writing goals.

I did the math and figured out that it takes 1 hour and 15 minutes for my sim to regain all 15 energy bars, so I have started a rhythm to my day that goes something like this...

Play sims social, check email
walk/weights
eat when nec. (about every second time through the cycle)
write!

I write about a thousand words before my sims energy is fully restored, and then I do the cycle all over again. I have a daily word count goal of 5k and after I hit that, I allow myself to go into the sims social and do the fun stuff, decorate, garden, and visit neighbors. After that I take a break from the computer for a while, read, shower, maybe go out or spend some face to face time with live humans, then I come back and polish my work for the day. All in all it ends up about a ten hour work day, but that feels good. I feel accomplished at the end of the day and as though I have moved closer to my goals of weight loss and financial freedom and Florida!

I'm fortunate to not have much of a life at the moment, no pressing responsibilities or demands on my time. I set my life up like that on purpose for this year so I could accomplish my main goal of getting to Florida. Yes it's required compromise and sacrifice, but when I'm sitting at Disney World next year, it will have been SO worth it!

Since last year god has been pressing me on my inability to rest and play, so this schedule also addresses that with built in play and down time. Plus I have made a personal commitment to a four day work week. That's been the hardest part to be truthful. I'm SO good at being a workaholic, but I'm so not good at taking time off. In my prayer times I often find myself arguing, "But god, trust me, I can handle it, I'll just work non stop until I get to Florida then I'll take some me time." :D God hasn't been buying that one.

Because I know, in my own experience, when I ignore or fight that voice inside me that I recognize as god, it never works out well for me. I end up stuck and spinning my wheels and spiraling out in frustration. So I am attempting surrender this time. I have committed to the four day work week, and the seven days it will take to write my novellas rather than do it all in a fury of determination in half the time and I will see how it works. I'm open to blessings and lessons now in this area, so it should be very interesting to see what in turn will happen.

Surrender is sometimes the hardest thing in life for me, but always turns into the best thing.

Well I will now return you to your Wednesday with a happy hump day and a hot photo just because I feel like it. ;-)

He's SO going in my next novel. :D

I'll be working on the next soul mate post late tonight, and I do again apologize for skipping last week, but I'll get something up tonight come hell or high water or at the neglect of my word count so...Until next time, dream big and go after it... why not? ~ Samantha

Monday Master Class - Taking Down Walls: Part 2)

2011-08-23T03:30:00.000-04:00

Last week I talked about the walls we put up in our lives in order to protect ourselves and how they just get in the way and prevent us from authentic living. If you missed that post, you can find it here. This week I want to elaborate on how these walls also hinder our art as I am struggling with this in my writing.

I will give you a warning, this is a subject I am actively wrestling with, so this post will most likely be rambly in nature. ;-)

I have been a story teller as long as I can ever remember. I slowly turned that gift into writer over the years and have had some success with it. However, I find myself now trying to reach something I can't quite grasp and it was Dale a few weeks back that said to me it was because I had my walls up and the infuriating thing is, I can see where he's right.

I think I could be amazing at this writing thing, and perfectionist that I am, I want to be amazing at it, but unless I can tap into the raw honest part of my soul and allow the stories and the sex to well up from there, I don't think I'll ever truly be satisfied with anything I write. I'll always see where I was trying to get to and how I couldn't quite get there. My stories will always stop just short of that place where magic happens.

The question of course is how do I get passed this?
I know what I want to write, I want to go darker, bring in more spirituality and punctuate it with more erotic sex. Turning off my self editor is starting to become second nature most of the time, but at some point in every day that I sit down to write, I feel that wall, I feel the need to say "No, I'm not willing to be that vulnerable." But why?

I suppose there's a part of me that worries about showing so much of my soul on the page for anyone to read. I suppose there's some fear in actually succeeding at bearing it all and having people reject me. I suppose there's the possibility of embarrassing edits as my editor ridicules my inexperience as I have written something that is physically impossible or too weird or odd or... the list is endless. I suppose I could come up with a lot of reasons not to let down this wall and get to my core, but this last wall that keeps me from writing what I'm meant to write, is the same wall that prevents me from finding a mate for my soul. Because if I don't show my true soul, how would its mate, if it has one, recognize it?

I'm watching an old episode of Star Trek TNG as I type this post and its the one where Q has taken Picard back to a point in his life where he wanted to change a reckless mistake in his youth. Changing that one little thing changes Picard into a man who never takes chances, never does anything stellar, and never gets noticed. Riker and Troi tell him he's spent his life drifting, with lofty goals but no follow through. I feel like I am at a place in my life where its time to find out what I'm really made of. I have no husband, no recalcitrant children, no needy mother, no family trying to hold me back, no real responsibilities to anyone other than myself, so if I fail this time, its all on me. The stakes are so high I get dizzy thinking about it and I think I've scared myself right into being ineffective.

It's so hard to keep moving some days, and its so hard having to be my own cheering squad, but those are the cards I've been dealt and I'm not going to whine about it, I'm going to make this happen. I'm going to tap into something I used when I was acting. I don't know if it will work or not, but I'm going to do whatever it takes. I wish I was capable of handling all this without breaking a sweat, but the truth is, I'm struggling, but I can NOT fail at this.

I'm making anyone who has sat through this long ramble a promise... tomorrow I am shutting out the entire world and I am sitting down with Evan and Daphne (the characters in my latest novel) and I'm going to bring every ounce of raw passion I can find in the very depths of my soul onto the page. I don't know how successful I'll be, but I make a promise that tomorrow I will at least try. I will put my heart and soul exposed on the page. I will write a story of love, sex, and spirituality unlike anything I've done in the past, I don't think there is anything more I can do, but this wall will come down and if I'm embarrassed, ridiculed, or humiliated from my vulnerability, then I'll take the lessons learned and hopefully be a stronger woman, because at the end of the day, my journey here on this earth is about so much more than writing, or Florida, fame, money, or success and I am a woman who wants to find truth and wants to grow and become exactly what I was created to be, authentically and genuinely me.

On The Road to Florida #8

2011-08-20T16:19:00.000-04:00

First, I want to apologize for not getting that promised soul mate post up. This has been an off week and I'm rolling with it best I can. One of the things I'm learning to do personally, is when I fall behind, sometimes its better to just pick up where you're supposed to be and let some things go. Keeps me from spending my entire life feeling like I'm running behind. So this week, I had to let go of that post. There will be one next week though, I promise.

As I said, interesting week for me. More positive news on the health and weight loss front, I'm down another ten+ pounds and my blood pressure has dropped to so close to normal you just want to sit there and let them take it over and over until the right numbers come up! lol Soon it will be right where I need it to be. :)

I'm still on track financially for Florida, but I really have to get my ass in gear and start subbing stories. I've been writing, just not subbing...
so strange. So my goal for this week is to stop striving for perfection and get something in! I think it's still the genre switch that has me off balance. I know how to write my romance. I know how to write it hot and steamy. However, throw in a few immortals, an alien planet and the spawn of Satan, and I'm out of my depth. I want these stories to be such a great read for you all, because you mean the world to me and I never take my work lightly, but I think I'm coming to a place where I'm going to have to accept this as my best for now and know that I will continue to grow and become better in the genre the more I write it.

The plan for this week is to hit a daily word goal of 8k with a total of 35-40k for the week. I'm going to sit down and write something beginning to end, polish and sub! Novellas may be the best way for me to go right now while I'm learning this genre and I've received enough mail from you asking me to write faster, so for you, I shall try!

Men still confuse the hell out of me, the real life ones anyway. I'm finding myself more in tune with 20 something college students then men my own age. I'm not sure why, but I have several that when we talk or go out together, everything is just so easy. Conversation flows great, there's a ton of chemistry and I know at the end of the night I'm not going to get any marriage proposals so it is seriously just good safe fun and exactly what I need right now.

Plus I'm learning another lesson in my quest to stop making blanket judgments about groups of people. Whereas yes, many 20 somethings hurt my head with the way they think, or don't think more to the point, I have met some of you who are very intelligent and well spoken and I do apologize for my personal prejudices of the past to this age group!

I have to admit, there is one man in my life right now who both intrigues and confounds me. I'm not sure yet whether or not that's a good combination, but I'll let you know when I figure it out.

Speaking of combinations that may or may not be a good thing... The Sims Social went live in Beta on facebook this past week and I'm SO totally, completely, utterly hooked it's not even funny.

So if you play on FB, friend me, I think this is how I'll be spending much of my free time over the rest of the summer at least! Plus, I'm a good gaming friend, clicking on things, sending gifts, helping out wherever I can. So far I like this version of the game, except of course for the stupid energy limitations that I hate in ALL the FB games, but this is a game for which I think I'll learn to live with that negative. There are all the wonderful things I've come to expect from the sims, gardening, cooking, decorating and skill building and I hope the game gets even better as it ages and my neighborhood grows. I also hope to find more men playing. My good friend Jules signed up just to help me out and I adore him for it, but there's challenges that require flirtations and I'm either going to need men or else girlfriends who don't mind some harmless flirtations. lol

One last thing on this week, my next court date is in one month and any prayers that you could extend my way would be greatly appreciated. :)

I'm going to wrap it up on goals for the week. Dale and I spent a lot of time together this week, there were some issues with his youngest and it was a hard week for him, so I tried to keep him distracted and to cheer him up where I could. After all, he's a good man who didn't deserve the crap we went through any more than I did, but that's not the point. Anyway, he gave me some really good advice, he suggested I try running my everyday at about 85% rather than the full out breakneck speed I ordinarily run at. He encouraged me to save time for play, and quiet times just for me, things that recharge my batteries and showed me where I've been giving too much of myself away. After all, it is still about seven or so months until Florida at the least, and as I wrote a couple of weeks back, if I keep going at it like this, I will burn out. So I'm giving Dale's advice a whirl this week, made a new schedule for myself and set some new goals and am forcing myself to play!

I don't do down time well. :p

Anyway, I'm hoping this will make a difference to my over all efficiency and keep myself in a better frame of mind. :) Wish me luck!

Have a wonderful weekend, thanks for bearing with me through a bit of a bumpy week and see you back here Monday for master class! ;-) Until then, may you be blessed. ~ Samantha

Soul Mate Delay

2011-08-18T17:05:00.000-04:00

I know I owe you all a new post on my search for a soul mate, but some personal issues came up yesterday and set me back about a day. I don't want to just throw together a post when I know you all expect a semi-insightful ramble. lol I'll have it done late tonight so it should be live here by tomorrow. ;-) Thanks for your patience!

Monday Master Class - Letting Down Walls: Part 1

2011-08-15T14:08:00.000-04:00

The walls that guard my heart are thick and many. Life beats us up, I know it does you too. I think our natural reaction to that is to build walls. Pain sucks, anything we can do to avoid it seems like a good idea at the time, but what about later down the road when you've built so many of those walls that no one ever really gets in anymore and so lonely that the ache at the center of your soul never really gets soothed?

It seems to me that at that point, the walls aren't serving anymore... or did they ever?

We all have walls. Barriers placed around our hearts in the misguided notion that these walls will somehow protect us from pain, but when they don't, we think oh well, just build another, and another, and another because truth is, no one wall can ever truly protect you from everything, but what if we turned this around and looked at it from a different angle?

I was talking to my son last night about the concept of god. He says he doesn't like that his choices are do it god's way or bad things will happen for you and I thought, I see it complete opposite from that, I see it like life just sucks and god pops in with a life raft now and again and hell yeah I'm taking it. We all have such vastly different experiences in our life, in large part because we are all unique and never really see the same thing. Even if we are experiencing the exact same moment, we each react differently to it. We're all different. Different things trigger feelings of fear, joy, anxiety, in us all and I think the first thing we need to do is stop judging our friends, family, and acquaintances for their personal triggers and simply focus more inwardly and take care of ourselves because when we become more self aware, stronger, we don't need the walls.

Life can be ugly and bad things happen to all of us along our journey, but as I said, we all react to those things differently and I think that's something we all need to recognize. Just because I can withstand the pain of miscarriages, abuse and divorce, but I crumble at the sight of a messy house, does not make me weak, crazy, or off in some sense. Its just the way my filters take things in and where I've built strength over the years and where time and experiences have eroded my bandwidth. My strengths and weakness are infinitely different from yours, but in the grand scheme of things, that's exactly as it should be, because then together, we'll be stronger. That's the whole point, because in the end we weren't meant to travel through life alone, we were meant to be a part of something, someone else. Whether that be family, kids, friends, or a romantic partner, we are all better off when we have close relationships in our life.

I've been dealing with my walls a lot this year in particular in the sense of trying to figure out who's safe and who's not. In other words I'm learning that I don't just have to live behind this maze of walls all the time, it is okay to let people in. I've also begun to learn there is a big difference between walls and boundaries. What a valuable lesson.

The way I see it, a wall is something thick you cloak yourself in to keep people out. A boundary is a flagged area to tell people "Be careful where you step, this is mine and its most likely delicate." Taking down walls requires work. It requires you to forcibly be vulnerable and chance wounding, but I think the thing I'm realizing is that I've been broken a lot in my lifetime, I always heal, so with that in mind, I risk the pain intentionally knowing that if it works, I've gained something and if it doesn't, I'll be okay. Its a calculated risk, I'm not super daring, never have been, I don't think that's going to change in my mid forties, however, that doesn't mean I need to accept the brokenness I've become. I don't have to live behind all these walls alone for the rest of my life. I want to let people in. I want to connect. I crave it, but it won't happen, not really, if I don't learn to live without the walls.

Boundaries great! Walls, I don't need them. I don't need to hide from pain. Pain is an integral part of our human existence, without it we wouldn't learn, we wouldn't appreciate the beauty we have all around us, and we wouldn't truly know the depths of love. For when we truly love something, at some point, it hurts us. What we do with that wound changes the flow of love, it can deepen the love, or begin to shut it off.

Fact of the matter is, walls don't really protect us, they change us. We have to adapt into something other than we were when we built them in order to continue to function behind them. I'm intentionally deconstructing my walls. Turning some into boundaries and getting rid of all the rest. Do I think it will be an easy or fast project, no I really don't. I imagine it will be slow, painful and riddled with missteps, but I think in the end, it will all be worth it. I'll be free from the inside and able to walk in the sunshine again. I'll make a better partner for someone who will now be able to see the me that's genuine and not constantly be frustrated with the walls he runs headlong into.

At the end of the day it comes down to self confidence in a way. Do I think I can handle my heart, my feelings and my emotions without these artificial barriers to intimacy or do I not? I desire to be a strong, confident, self controlled woman, so the answer for me has to be yes, I can handle this... what about you?

Next week I'm going to continue this topic on how these walls I have up affect my art so be sure to come back! ;-) I'm working on a health post for tomorrow or Wednesday and have had a minor breakthrough on the whole soul mate topic which I'll post Thursday, so until next time ~ Samantha

Lessons from Dating 2

2011-08-14T12:14:00.000-04:00

It's so flattering to be asked out on a date. I don't really care what the man's reasoning is, he chose me, at least for that moment and I'm flattered by that. It feels good. However that initial rush of happy for me would rapidly diminish into anxiety over the actual meeting and that feeling was overpowering to the point I just stopped saying yes. Well this week, I had a dating breakthrough of sorts. Something shifted in me and I took the leap and just did it, forced myself to go on a handful of dates...
and I survived!

More than survived really, I had a wonderful time on every single date. I'm really enjoying being free... I mean single and I don't want to get into another relationship, but I do want to date. I miss kissing. I get a bit cabin feverish sitting at the laptop all day, even if it is writing I'm doing, I need face to face social interaction at least some of the time and I'd forgotten how much I love the getting ready process... I'm a girly girl, getting ready for a date is me in my element. The problem became that I'm so incredibly shy in real life until I get to know a person and that awkward feeling of first dates for me was such a painful thing I wasn't allowing myself to say yes to anybody unless they really worked hard to get passed my barriers, which didn't seem fair to them and I knew I was missing out.

I decided to try simply desensitizing myself to the process and start saying yes... not recklessly, I have a good gut instinct about people usually, so I listened to that and I said yes and I had a handful of really terrific dates, met some interesting people and learned a lot about myself in the process... all in all, win-win for me!

I'm discovering how strong I really am in being able to push myself outside the box I'm comfortable in. I think a lot of people, especially once you hit your 30s or so, start to live within their comfort zone and I've done that too, but in general I find when I do that, I get stagnant. I'm a person who likes to grow and learn and you can't do that by living safe and never stretching yourself. I've discovered I'm a person who likes to challenge herself and I'm also learning that if I try something and its not right for me, I can say no, or if I've already done it, I can say never again. lol I truly do have boundaries that I'm able to enforce and that's a huge lesson for me.

One of the other problems I'd been having since starting to date was that dating and interacting with men always left me feeling kind of crazy... I know, I know, that's my norm :P, but this was different. It was a feeling inside me of panic almost, and I drove everyone I knew crazy by rambling on and on about it to them in some misguided notion that by talking about it I'd somehow fix it.

After this week however I was left feeling a level of calm I have rarely felt in all my life. I have focus, renewed determination for Florida, and I'm very, very rational.

I've come to realize it wasn't the men making me crazy, it was how I was handling the men. I've come to realize that its okay to define for me what I want, what I'm willing to do, and to express that to any man who wants to go out with me. In other words, its okay to play the game by my rules and not let men have all the say. I'm a great compromiser, but for me, the first date is not the place for it and because I've learned that, I feel as though I can actually begin enjoying dating for the first time in my life. That's exciting!

Yes, there are men out there who'll get pissed off because I want to do things a certain way, and move a little slowly, but so what. I've learned two things about myself, I can handle people who don't like me or get mad at me. Even though it feels bad, it's not the end of the world, and 2... as Mark is always telling me, I'm a catch and worth a little effort. Or at the very least, I do know that when I click with a person, we have a really wonderful time and I do think I'm worth the effort to get to that place, so if a man doesn't... that's perfectly okay, that's not the man for me. Oooh that's SUCH a good lesson, yay me!

I'm still not looking for a relationship anytime in the near future, but I have learned that I can date for the sheer enjoyment of it and I can live through bad dates and go on knowing there's always another possibility right around the corner for two people to simply share some time together and make each other smile for a while. This is a real game changer for me and I love those!

Enjoy what's left of your weekend everyone, next up here on the blog - Monday Master Class. I had a bit of a breakthrough this weekend on the whole "soul mate" thing also, so make sure you drop by for Thursday's post.

Until next time ~ Samantha

On The Road to Florida #7

2011-08-12T16:39:00.000-04:00

Now that I know what I’m without
You can't just leave me
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life ~ Evanesence

Fantasmic is probably my all time favorite Disney show/parade/attraction ever! I've seen both the Disneyland and Disney World versions and Disneyland's version kicks ass, but Disney World's is a good production too. Still, something about Disneyland's being set on the Rivers of America just makes everything about that show all the more special. It's a case of something being exactly where it should be and though Disney World's version functions and entertains just fine, its simply not the same... sort of like my life without Disney vs with.

My life without is fine, I'm a happy person, have spectacular friends, currently a very good dating life, amazing kids, a career I love and if I never made it to Florida, I'd be just fine. However, life with Disney for me is like the difference between TV and HDTV, and I want my HD! :)

So how did this week go on the road to Florida? Much better than last! Still waffling on the writing which is bad, but I had two good friends helping me work through my... not writer's block exactly, but just my stuckness on this topic and as soon as my life quiets down, hopefully tomorrow, I'm going to dig into a new book, a short novella length story that hopefully won't take me more than a couple of days to write, which is exactly what I need right now.

At the top of this post I wrote some lyrics to a song I've always loved, Bring Me to Life by Evanesence, the lyrics and video are at the end of this post, seriously great song. I listened to it today for the first time in years and I found two parts of the song resonating with me in a way they never had before. The part at the top of the page, and this...

frozen inside without your touch
Without your love, darling
only you are the life among the dead

I was recently in a situation where I felt that touch of heat that began a melting process within me, an awakening if you will. Being a cautious person for the most part, I find this idea wholly intriguing and utterly terrifying at the same time. I'm loving what my life is becoming. I love the fears I'm over coming. I love challenging myself. I love that I'm meeting new people after more than a decade of being asleep, but there's a deeper part of me that I've ignored all my life because, I'll be honest, I don't understand it and so it confuses me and at times scares me, but I find myself asking more everyday if I really want to go through my entire life ignoring my own desires.

I've spent a lot of time focused on do I want a new relationship or not, do I want to spend the rest of my life alone or not, but I haven't even once considered the desires of my body and soul. I've spent all my time in my head wondering "what's best for me." Now in and of itself, that's not a bad thing, but as it's no secret-- I've told you enough times here on the blog-- I'm a woman of intense sexuality, and I love that about myself, but I've never considered how that plays out in my life or future. I think I've been suffering from that notion that if something's meant to be it will just happen, like out of the blue, with no effort. I have no idea why I think that, but I realize I have been.

I have always had a good group of men to choose to keep company with, I'm never short of wonderful male friends, but I have never found an ideal partner to be intimate with and I crave it. Its bigger than a need or a want, its a ravenous craving. I'm not hard up on a Friday night for a date, but still I find it frustrating to find what I'm looking for deep down at my core and I'm not sure at this point whether finding it, or never finding it scares me more. I'm realizing more and more that I truly am a strong, confident woman who can indeed handle her own life, which means I'm stepping outside of my comfort zone more and more, I'm letting more men in, accepting more dates, and for me, in this time of my life, that's the right thing, but at some point I'm going to meet that man that triggers something deeper in me and at that point I'll be faced with a decision whether to follow him or not.

I think I answered this question for myself last night. I'm going to take the leap. Now me being me, I'll go about this safe and sanely, but I am going to find a level of satisfaction I've never found before, and I'm not going to apologize for wanting it anymore. I found out last night that I can make my own decisions where dating, men and sex are concerned, that I don't need anyone's approval and that I can live with my choices, that's huge for me. I feel like I'm cautiously (I've used that word like three times haven't I? lol) stepping into a new light, its exciting, scary, but exciting. I've been single three times in my life, this is by far the best and I think in large part its simply because its time. I finally have all the pieces in place and wisdom to lean on to do this right and enjoy the hell out of it as well. The men out there better watch out, because I'm about to enter the dating world full steam ahead! lol

Weight loss is clicking along, I'm losing on average 2.4 pounds a week, which does drive me crazy, but in a year it'll all be off so I'm trying to just focus on that. I got some good advice from a close friend who said for the time being, I should just focus on the weight loss and building a healthy eating foundation, then when I'm nearly to goal weight, I should throw in exercise and toning. He's pretty smart about things of this nature, so I've already decided come January, I'm joining a fitness center and taking Zumba classes :) Along with my belly dancing and the walking, I should be in the best shape of my life come next summer! :)

I'm worried I'm pinning too much in the way of expectations on my life next summer, but its sort of like planning the dream vacation, I'm planning a dream summer. The summer of 2012 is going to overtake the summer of 85 as best time of my life and I'm willing to do about anything to make certain that happens. After the summer I'm going to shift gears and settle down into the rest of my life, but the summer... I'm going to go wild and have the time of my life! Disney World and Florida here I come, I hope you're ready for me. ;-)

"Bring Me To Life"
(feat. Paul McCoy)

How can you see into my eyes like open doors?
Leading you down into my core where I’ve become so numb
Without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become

now that I know what I’m without
you can't just leave me
breathe into me and make me real
bring me to life

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become

Bring me to life
(I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside)
Bring me to life

frozen inside without your touch
Without your love, darling
only you are the life among the dead

all this time I can't believe I couldn't see
kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I’ve been sleeping a thousand years it seems
got to open my eyes to everything
Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul
don't let me die here
there must be something more
bring me to life

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become

(Bring me to life)
I’ve been living a lie, there’s nothing inside
(Bring me to life)

In Search of a Soul Mate #4

2011-08-10T23:18:00.000-04:00

People think because a relationship fails, it wasn't a relationship "meant to be". I feel the need to argue with that.When I was quite young, I fell in love with a man who I later decided to marry. Most of you know me and know that marriage lasted 20 years then I finally made the heart wrenching decision to leave. At this point I have about five years of looking back on that decision along with listening to all the nay sayers and I told you so-s and my own introspection on the decision that started the marriage in the first place and I think my decision to marry him was sound, and at the time, for the girl I was, probably the best thing that could have happened to me.

I made the decision with much prayer and meditation and at 22 I had never been more certain of anything in my life. The day I married, truly was one of the happiest days of my life. The marriage that followed had some truly beautiful moments, and joy, it also had a lot of hurt and pain. I grew up in that marriage, raised amazing young men within that marriage and built the foundation for who I am today. So would I say that marriage was a mistake?
No I wouldn't.

At twenty two I didn't know any better, I didn't understand how life worked, how relationships worked, what difference sexual compatibility could possibly make... and I did have victimize me engraved across my forehead. The fact that my ex husband was not an abusive man saved me from a life I so easily could have found my naive self in and for that alone I know I made a good decision. In my heart and soul I knew he was the one, at the time, I just thought that meant forever, and it didn't.

There's such a stigma even today on divorce, you failed... but how ridiculous is it that we spend a year or more planning "the wedding" a big party and one day out of our life, and give little real thought to the years that will follow, then we as a culture judge the validity of a marriage by whether or not it ended. I would argue that my marriage was a better and more powerful relationship than many people will ever find and the fact it didn't last for eternity does not and should not take away from who we were as a couple, what we taught each other and what we created together.

Still, a failed marriage does mess with your head, and when you are like me with a failed marriage and a secondary major relationship that could have very easily have turned into a marriage also failed, you start to think, or over think, all your choices. As a woman especially, you realize you're in a precarious position, do you risk another relationship? If you do, will it be three strikes and you're out, or third time's the charm? Add to that kids, work, family, stress, and there's not much of you left to date and even try to find a relationship, let alone that elusive soul mate. Because even if they do exist, I don't think they get airlifted to your doorstep while you're busy doing other things. It must take some effort to find this mysterious thing we all seem to want and many of us actually search for.

I find for myself, a woman over forty dating by mostly using a dating site to meet men, that many of the men I meet look at my answered questions, my likes and dislikes, my pics and decide from that alone, "yeah, she'll do" and then its full speed ahead lets get married. I ran into that with Dale, and I've had six marriage proposals this year since breaking up with Dale. I'm not certain how anyone else feels on this subject, but soul mate aside, I don't want just any old relationship. IF I get myself into another relationship, I want it to be one that challenges me and that I grow and heal in. I want to be with someone who makes me laugh, makes me feel safe and knows how to arouse me. Someone who engages my mind and brings joy to my heart and if all that's too much to ask for, then soul mate or not, I'm out. I'm not willing to settle for less then that, nor should you.

Maybe not my specifics, but we all have an "ideal" in our head, and barring any perfection fantasies you may be harboring, you should never settle for simply good enough. Being single is NOT the end of the world and can quite frankly be very enjoyable. Its like anything else in life, you may have to rethink your ideals some, but there can be so much joy in being on your own, especially if you married young. I spent twenty years of my life married and raising children, I loved it, but now I find myself in this scary, yet remarkable place of being a grown up, and being free. I want to enjoy that for a while. I want to learn what and who I am before I try and merge with another man and I'm excited about finding myself. I'm excited about exploring and learning and experiencing new things. I'm also excited to date. I've met a lot of different types of men this year, young and older, well educated, artists, free spirits, country boys, and even a dom or two and as always I find men fascinating and intriguing. I also find myself awkward and crazy when I interact with them, but I'm sort of hoping I figure out how to do that better too!

Yes its scary and yes somewhere in the back of my head is the worry, what if you never find anyone? Well its not Noah's ark, I don't have to be paired up to survive. I'll be honest, if I go the rest of my life alone, I'll be disappointed, lonely even, but better that then paired up with some man I take out of the fear of being alone. Alone is NOT the end of the world, it just isn't.

I know, you're thinking what the hell does any of this have to do with soul mates? Maybe nothing, but maybe everything. Maybe the reason I'm so comfortable with the idea of being alone is because unless I find someone that truly feels like the other part of my soul, enjoying my own company and the occasional evenings out with friends, family, and even some casual dating isn't such a bad prize. Maybe I'll get a dog... maybe I'll live out my fantasies in my books... maybe I'll find soul mates actually do exist and I'll get my happily ever after, or some variation thereof. I think its simply too early to tell, but I refuse to be miserable on the journey and the point is, my future is wide open and I truly can make it anything I want and regardless of how I end up, I'm going to find me and I'm going to be blissful.

Monday Master Class - Taking Stock

2011-08-08T13:30:00.000-04:00

I am the first person to admit my crazy. I over think everything. I jump before I look and end up in over my head a lot. I'm a bit like a spastic puppy at times, but one of the things I like about myself is the ability to be introspective, which is not the same as over thinking. I define the two differently in that over thinking is the insanity inducing activity of chasing one's tail, while being introspective is looking deeper inside yourself for your own truths. I find myself being introspective today.

I had put a moratorium on men and dating last week, then realized my world lost much of its color when I did. So I opened myself back up with new determination to handle the dating world mentality and come away stronger for it. I was clobbered with an influx of men from age 20 to 60 all asking me out over the last few days. I wasn't prepared for that and so welcome back crazy.
Today, after the tumult of the weekend, I'm taking stock, being introspective because I see few choices here and I want to make the best one possible for me. Giving up men all together doesn't work for me, being in a relationship, at the moment anyway, doesn't work for me, that only leaves dating so I dang well better learn how to handle it.

At the end of the weekend it wasn't bad. I had turned away men I knew were a bad fit, which was new for me. Ordinarily I just make myself be nice and wait for them to get bored, but I took the initiative, that was huge! I liked that. Definitely going to keep that going. I discovered my own prejudice on age being questioned, and in all fairness, appropriately so. But most importantly of all, I began to realize, that I may be the type of woman who's simply better, stronger, when partnered up then when left alone to drift the insanity of the dating world and navigate men.

That's not a conclusive theory yet, it may just be that i need to make myself stronger in being a single woman and I'm stronger being partnered up because I've got so much more experience with it. Either way, none of that changes the reality of my life, I'm still going to Florida and still not ready to jump into any kind of a relationship in the foreseeable future, however, I am in negotiations with my inner romantic to allow her some of her freedoms back on the promise she be extraordinarily careful and not get us into too much trouble!

I think its good to be self aware, to know your good and your crazy, even to make peace with them both because none of us are perfect and we all have our own varying degree of weaknesses, or crazy to deal with. I think the trick is learning who's a safe place to fall in your life and when to suck it up and push through. Navigation control is a tricky thing for me when I'm single, but something I intend to master before I give it up, but I'm willing to admit that some day, I may again want to give singlehood up... we'll see. In the mean time, what about you? When was the last time that you took an honest look inside the fascinating workings of your mind?

No one should do it as much as I do, lol, but it is an important tool we have to keep our lives running on course and I think should be learned and used. Don't be afraid to admit your real motives to yourself. You don't have to take your crazy public as I do, but you should at least make some level of peace with it because it is going to make an impact on your life whether you recognize it or not. Being aware of it, helps keep it from becoming so out of proportion to the rest of your life that your boat sinks altogether. Just the two cents worth of one crazy blonde woman, take it for what it's worth. ;-) Have a great Monday everyone.

On The Road to Florida #6

2011-08-06T04:19:00.000-04:00

Honestly, I struggled with motivation this week and I realized if I don't start pacing myself better, I may burn out long before Florida.

Therefore, much of this post is for me, to remind myself why this Florida dream is so important.

I need to go home. After the last two years of being beaten into emotional oblivion by the kids, I seriously need the comforting embrace of home. I'm beaten and bruised and hurting, I need the kind of healing that only home brings. I don't want to be stuck forever in a place of anger and resentment over the system and being brutalized in it, I'm stronger than that. I have met some truly horrible people in the last few years, many of them members of our local police force and moving past that is very hard on me some days. I ran up against one of those cases where they were just allowed to do anything they wanted to me and say anything they wanted about me and I had no recourse. Its very violating and another reason why I want to move away from the area, because constantly seeing their police cars, and the courthouse every time I leave my home, only serves to open wounds. I have days were I'm still so weak and alone in this fight, but I draw as much strength as I'm able from my faith and I keep going, that's the important part. We all feel weak at times, but no matter how hard it is, you just have to keep going.

The Florida dream is really a very intricate puzzle. I put it together that way on purpose because I knew with each goal nested within the next, in order to get one thing, I would get all the things. This is a good plan, provided I succeed, but there are days, like the past four, where the effort put into losing weight begins to annoy me. Especially when the scale, she no move so much. Fact of the matter is, I set a strict weight goal for myself before I'd allow myself to get my annual pass, because I'm not going to waddle around Disney World out of breath with aching feet and a sore back! I will be healthy! I will be thin. I will be strong. And the only way to get there is work! I walk seven times a day and lift weights four times a day every other day. I have changed my diet to nearly all vegetarian. I am healthier. My blood pressure has dropped to nearly normal for the first time in three years. I have energy to walk seven times a day! I don't crave fattening bad for me foods at all for the most part anymore and when I do, I can pretty much guarantee myself its an emotional craving and ignore it. I've lost ten inches total from my body and I'm building muscle which I sorely needed after living so sedentary ever since the miscarriages. My best estimation now is that I will be within 40 pounds of my ideal weight by the time I move, which is a lot better than my original numbers and I will get to spend my days at Disney and feel great doing it! And as Disney renews my soul, this piece of the puzzle nests into the need I have for healing perfectly.

The secret desire of my heart is to be fabulously successful in my writing. How I define fabulously successful and the next author defines it is totally arbitrary, but for me its two fold, I need to be financially stable and I need to be touching the hearts and lives of the people I reach through my writing. Whether that's through books or even here on the blog. I need that human connection part to feel as though I'm doing what I was created to do. I love the art of telling a good story and I'll always create characters and back-stories and worlds and romances, but without the completion of a grateful reader, it can only be so satisfying. The bottom line however is that to get to Florida I have to be writing and selling books, so once again, the dream nests into the goal and must be accomplished. No writing, no Florida.

There you have the reason for my move and the two things that need to happen before I can actually move, now for my future. There is one more baseline component to the Florida dream and that's men and sex, and yes I am a bit obsessed these days. I've had exactly 2 relationships in my life, my 20 year marriage, and a four year engagement with a wonderful man who in all honesty, if not for his children, I'd still be with today. However, the fact is I'm single and I'm taking stock. What worked in my relationships, what didn't, how I want to be different within my next relationship, and what my must haves are in a man. I'm digging through my history and childhood and finding the real me, because IF I find myself a man who meets the needs I have and with whom I am so fortunate to find that mysterious connection with, I think I'll be ready to try one more time to get it right.

That being said, my last motivation is the possibility of meeting such a man who will at long last desire me in ways I have not yet been desired, and teach me things I don't even yet know I want to learn and accept all

the parts of me in a way I've never been accepted. My heart yearns for it, though my mind says it does not exist. I am, however, trying to keep my mind open until I've gotten my life in order and tried dating in Florida, so again, my other goals nest into this one. Men in my area are not interested in the things I am, and most I've met so far what marriage by the third date. I think I'll just have a better shot at finding this man I'm looking for in a city. In order to give dating its best shot, I need to be comfortable in my body, which I won't be until I hit my weight loss goal. In order to date in Florida, I have to get to Florida and I need money for things like an apartment, clothes and a car... see how it all nests together?

So as I start a new week, I need my ass kicked back into gear. I need to remember why I'm doing all this hard work and how intricately all the pieces go together. I also need to be aware of distraction, this brings me back to men, the double edged sword. I have waffled yet again on dating now and have accepted three dates for later this week. However, before I was sort of dating with an open mind of well maybe I'll meet Mr. Wonderful here and I should stay open to that. I'm not doing that anymore. I'm going to Florida and no man will stand in my way, so I've decided to look at the dating I'm doing differently. I'm using it all as an experiment. I'm still very socially awkward in person, so I'm practicing on that, plus on the dating site I'm on there are a lot of real pushy men that demand a lot of me and make me feel very uncomfortable... don't get me wrong, there's also a lot of really wonderful men on there who've been very good to me, but they don't cause me any problems, the other men do. Instead of running from them however, I'm putting my foot down and handling them... or at least that's the goal. I will learn how to be more dominant with men and the only way I really know how to do that is with practice. Its probably best to have that figured out before Florida and the real dating begins also.

Okay, its after 4 I need to get some sleep, writing and walking all day tomorrow, maybe I'll check in with an update tomorrow night! Wish me luck and have a great weekend! ~ Samantha

Nice Girl?

2011-08-05T01:12:00.000-04:00

I used to sing in a band. Not for long and I wasn't really very good at it, but I did enjoy it immensely once I'd get over the initial stage fright. Don't we all want to be a rock star deep down? At least for a little while? Regardless, as I'm going through the process of rebuilding my world, I'm doing a lot of digging through my past, trying to find clues to who I truly am deep at my core. There's so much trash piled on top of that woman, but I see glimpses as I'm digging her out, someday she'll be all bright and shiny again. ;-) Today however I find myself thinking a lot of those stage performances.

I never let anyone I knew see me on stage. Even the thought of any of them seeing me as I was on stage made me hyperventilate. I played it off as being shy, or that I was embarrassed because we weren't very good, when in truth, the band rocked and we got the crowd going every night. What I didn't want them to see, was me. No one knew that me, the sexy, confident seductress that took that stage and owned every man in the place and I was mortified at the thought of anyone in my real life finding out I could be that woman.

I loved that feeling of power though, the sexual electricity, the freedom to flirt mercilessly all night and know
I never had to take anything further than that stage. It was a safe place for this good girl's inner bad girl to come out and play and I loved every minute of it. I just didn't understand that's what it was back then.

When I was in my teens and early twenties I was so caught up in my identity of nice girl, that breaking free even for those few nights a week made me feel like I was living a double life and that was rather intoxicating. I never carried any flirtation past the club, I wasn't sleeping around, nor did I really want to. Because in the end, the truth is, I am a nice girl... my secret shame. That's not all I am though. My personality has depth. Somewhere in those layers there's a very bad girl, but she's not going to come out and play with you unless her good girl has been appeased first and she feels safe. I'm discovering that finding a man who wants all the different aspects of my personality and is willing to deal with my shy side and my notorious good girl, and possibly even enjoy them as well, is a hard mix to find. To be entirely honest, I've yet to find it in real life and I'm note entirely certain that I ever will, but on that stage, I had it.

The other five guys in the band took exquisite care of me. None of them ever laid a hand on me and they rarely let anyone else lay one on me either and honestly, that pissed me off in moments, but at the end of the day it was because of the safety and respect I received from them, that I was able to be the woman I was on stage and I'm so thankful for that experience, especially now as I'm struggling to find the real me.

Lets fast forward twenty years or so to my current incarnation. I realize that I've found another "safe" place for my wicked side to come out and play, its in my writing. I've been told often by readers, and fellow authors alike, that I'm the good girl of erotic romances. Now I'm not certain if that's a good thing or not, but it does make me somewhat unique I suppose. Yesterday, while I was plotting out a new series of short hot reads that I'm putting together, it occurred to me for the first time possibly ever, to write specifically to my fellow nice girls with inner bad girls. My latest heroine in the new work, Matley, is exactly that and she's struggling with her truth. She's also been given a unique offer to explore her more wicked desires in a place of safety, of course she's had to risk her passionate heart for all eternity, but hey, everything's a gamble really, right? ;-)

I love writing what I do, in large part because it's given me the opportunity to dig deep and live out my most wicked fantasies in the safety of a page in a book. So in this new series, I'm going to take that even further, this series, The Red Diamond Club, is going to be my most explicit, most wicked, most erotic stories to date. I'm going to deal solely with sexuality and soul mates within the pages of these books as I walk the road to discovering my destiny on both subjects in real life.

So at the end of the day, what do you think? Are we all nice girls with an inner bad streak and some of us are just better at accepting that in themselves than others? Or are those of us who experience this special to have this unique quality-- lady in the streets and a whore in bed-- and what about the men who say that's what they want? I'm suspicious that they may not even truly understand what they're asking for, or understand that they may already have exactly that in the woman sleeping beside them and its their job to unlock it and make it safe for that part of her to come out. The men I've been closest to in my life never seemed to want to unlock that door, I think they were afraid of what would come through it, but I have to believe that somewhere out there, is a man who can accept and handle me, my desires, my complexities, my crazy, even my nice girl. I think at the end of the day therein lies the biggest conundrum for me personally, men either seem to want the good girl, OR the bad girl, and not a woman who has the capacity for both. I could be wrong, but its hard to believe something exists that you've never seen.

I will continue to hold out hope however, at least until I know in my soul I've done a thorough search and if what I crave really isn't out there, then I'll have to make some tough choices about compromise and loneliness, but until then, the hopeless romantic in me searches on, nice girl by day, wicked author by night hoping eventually her prince will in deed arrive and whisk her off to the safety of his sex dungeon... uh, I meant castle! ;-)

In Search of a Soul Mate #3

2011-08-04T01:41:00.000-04:00

The soul is the breath of God, created with purpose. Its purpose is to find perfection, fulfillment, but our minds stop it because we want reason and logic and to compartmentalize things so we can understand them, but what if we stepped back and simply let our souls experience what they desired to? Sorrow, suffering, joy, erotic pleasure, whatever it is, allow our souls their journey because everything we experience has purpose, our soul sought it out, it needed that experience for some reason. To that end, a soul mate is simply another soul ours connects with to learn. It could be our child, or our romantic partner or our best friend, and we have many, not one. Still these connections are rare and hard to find and when we do find them, we usually put too many demands on the relationship and ruin what its true purpose was and I find that to be one of the great tragedies of our supposedly highly enlightened times.

I started reading Soul Mates by the amazingly wonderful Thomas Moore. As usual his intuitive brilliance shines through from the very first page and what I've read thus far has already begun to expand my own biased view on this subject. After reading the first little part of this book I was able to easily recognize the small handful of soul mate relationships in my life and definitely has me thinking in different ways concerning them. However,
for right now, I'm keeping my focus in this blog post on the romantic soul mate, primarily because that is the one that has eluded me and the one that I find myself most curious about.

During one of my times of meditation about a month or so ago I received a vision that I've been working through. It was of two people being carved from a large old tree. Now in the vision is was perfectly obvious that these two people were created from one to reunite one day and become one again. However if you carve two individual items out of a block of anything, they aren't going to fit back together. They were carved from the same material, but if you want them to fit together as one, there needs to be a lot of fine detailed carving work done so their pieces fit snug into one another.

As we are beaten down or achieve success in life, as we learn things, as we mourn, as we celebrate as we extend ourselves, we change. So its entirely possible that a person who doesn't even register on your radar today, could very well be a soul relationship in a few years as you both grow.

I have to be entirely honest, as I'm reading about and thinking about this subject, I find myself hoping. I'm not sure I like that, I had my hopeless romantic pretty well chained down and only let her out for writing, and I worry about setting myself up for a huge let down. That being said, I'm a woman who needs to know things. If its not real, I want to know that, if it is real... well, I have no idea then. Why do you think the idea of a soul mate, a real true passionate mate of your heart and soul terrifies some of us so deeply?

I'll be honest, I want to have my deepest desires fulfilled and I am speaking romantically at this point. I want that man who makes me feel like a woman, who makes me feel safe, protected, sexy, desired. I want to experience soul satisfying sex and I guess I wonder if the only way to achieve that is to find a soul mate you happen to also have off the chart sexual chemistry with, and if so... well, that seems like a million to one shot... yet I find myself hoping all the same.

A friend of mine sent me this today and as much as I've tried to blow it off as romantic fluff, its well past midnight and I find it still sticks with me.

A real woman is a man's best friend.

She will never stand him up and never let him down.

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...

I find myself wanting to be that woman. I also find myself not willing to start a relationship at the moment, primarily because I know inside that I'm not the woman I want to be yet. I find myself thinking a lot about WHO I want to be in a relationship, and I'm changing things about myself to become those things, which brings me back to my carving analogy. Maybe I'm fine tuning my edges so I finally fit with the right person. Perhaps then, in the end, any journey towards a mate for your soul, is really just a journey to a better you and to be entirely honest, that excites me.

Happy Hump Day ;-)

2011-08-03T15:40:00.000-04:00

Working on a new story today, but I'll be back tomorrow with my weekly soul mate post. ;-) In the meantime, enjoy the eye candy of some of the men fueling my current wip.

Food, Sex and My Personal Truth

2011-08-02T15:34:00.000-04:00

I come from a family of over weight women. Growing up all the core women in my life were quite heavy, so I'm comfortable with overweight people. I barely even notice weight to be entirely honest. In that picture of me as a teen, I remember like it was earlier today, I felt so fat. I mean I was certain people were staring because I had the nerve to wear shorts. Fast forward the clock about 25 years and I truly am over weight, but I don't feel any differently on the inside than I did back then at sixteen.

I think that skewed view of weight and body image contributed to my ability to wind up 150 lbs over weight at my heaviest. I honestly didn't see it and it didn't feel like a big deal to me as that's what I grew up around. It seemed natural.

Here I am now, about to turn 45 and for probably the first time in my life, I'm honestly dealing with food and weight in my life. I'm not fat because I love food. Now don't get me wrong because I'm quite passionate about food, good food. Fresh produce and well prepared meals do excite me from an artist standpoint and having a great meal with friends is still one of my all time favorite activities, but these are not the reasons I'm overweight.

Part of my personal issue with weight is the plain truth that in our culture we are so busy and broke and good groceries are expensive and cooking, time consuming. We eat more meals out than we do at home anymore, so often our weight it truly just situational and the only way that will ever change is with a priority shift. Its so strange to me that we live in a time were food is just as much of a health issue as the famines of old, only we have the problem in reverse. We're dying from eating too much, and from eating bad quality nutrients rather than from starvation, but make no mistake about it, we are dying.

What those fast food places are doing to our health should truly be criminal, but I completely understand being
tired and how much easier it is to run through a drive through than it is to go home and cook. I also know that most people will never look close enough at what they are truly eating from those places and won't genuinely make the connection between fast food, or restaurant food, and their health. I have. In fact I rarely eat fast food anymore and when I do, I pick the healthiest option I can find yet still sort of cringe as I'm putting the food into my body.

However, as much of a problem as I see our fast paced, stressed out culture is to our weight and health, there is something else that I believe is far more important and far more incideous. I realize I'm going to get hate mail, and I'm not trying to be cruel, but I believe being over weight most commonly is a tell that something else in your life is off kilter. While I agree that not everyone is naturally a size two, I also don't believe anyone is naturally a size 28. In my experience, being overweight, morbidly obese, is a real good sign that something else is going on. I think many, many people medicate with the food, I know I certainly have. We also tend to exchange the pleasure food gives us for other things we may deeply crave but feel getting is out of our control. In my case I was very specifically exchanging the enjoyment of food for something else I wanted, but couldn't have, sex and intimacy.

My road to embracing my rather potent sexuality is still very much a work in progress, but if you will indulge me for just a second, try and empathize with a young woman who'd been raised to believe what she craved sexually was wrong, good girls and the missionary position and all that, and now she's married. In her dreamy naive mind she assumed her husband would teach her everything she needed to know about sex and she found out rather quickly that was never going to happen. I had never in my life been presented with the concept of sexual compatibility and my husband and I had many intimacy issues. Add to that his undiagnosed asperger's syndrome, I honestly came to believe he hated me, so I was one extremely lonely woman who still had the desires of my youth burning inside me. It scared me to think I could be the kind of woman who would cheat on my husband. I had made a commitment and I take my commitments seriously so I felt trapped and I simply found satisfaction and pleasure through food. Simple as that.

This actually had a side effect that served me, as an overweight woman, men stopped looking at me and I felt safer in my unsatisfying marriage that way. No temptation to stray and all that, but the facts of my life now are that I'm single, I'm a whole lot more confident in myself and I'm trying to build a life for me for the first time ever. In that life, I'm not fat. I want to once again be the sexy woman men look at, only this time, I want to enjoy that sensation. I was to know what it feels like to be thin, healthy and sexy. I want to know what it feels like to not be fat and recognize that.

Here's my truth, I was a size 6 the day I got engaged, a size 12 on our first anniversary, right now, I'm an 18, I was a 26 at my heaviest and my goal is to get back down to a 9 before Florida. I am working my ass off to make certain that happens, but I don't believe I would have stood a chance at success on this if not for dealing with my underlying emotional issues. I think its a case of pruning all the dead leaves off the plant, but it has root rot, and if you don't treat that, all your going to get is more dead leaves until you have a dead plant.

Weight is a complicated issue for me, there are lots of ties attached to it. One landmine I discovered recently was a memory of being ridiculed by my family at ten because I decided to become a vegetarian. I've always had an enormous soft spot for animals and I simply didn't want to eat them anymore. Rather than a supportive family who would help a young girl figure this out, they all laughed at me and said I could never do it because I liked cheeseburgers too much. Going about 90% vegetarian this year has felt like a coming home of sorts, something I was always meant to do and finally I'm living it.

Honestly, my weight has been a source of embarrassment for me for many years, but today, I'm giving myself some grace and forgiveness. This was simply my journey and as I'm taking responsibility for my body, I'm so incredibly proud of myself. As I see my body start to change, and I need to buy new clothes which I did today because the old ones simply don't fit anymore, I feel more and more of myself aligning with my own personal truth and there is a reawakening happening. I'm remembering who I am inside and who I want to be and I'm gaining the confidence to know I'll achieve everything I dream. The weight coming off is solidifying my journey. I'm learning how to navigate food, social activities, and restaurants in such a way that I honestly don't think I will ever again have trouble with the mechanics of weight and all this makes me stronger. As one week leads into the next, its somewhat easier to do the things necessary to keep my new found momentum going and I love that.

While body image continues to give me a hard time, I'm very glad to say I'm in an exceptionally healthy place with food these days. My blood pressure is now down to the PRE hypertension stage, I have amazing amounts of energy, and I have completely kicked my fast food addiction that has plagued me my entire adult life!And might I add, have you experienced the amazing summer ripe produce available right now? omg its like heaven!

Anyway, this is the first post in another series I'll be running here on the blog. I feel like I'm finally at a place where I can talk about it and start figuring it out better by sharing. If anything in this post rang a bell for you, examine it. Find your truth and live it, I can't tell you how amazing a thing that is. :) see you Thursday for Soul Mates... ~ Samantha

Monday Master Class - The Strategic Surrender

2011-08-01T03:32:00.000-04:00

Life is described as many things, a journey, a trial, a learning experience, a battle... I'm not sure I feel as though I have to battle life exactly, but what, or more to the point, who I do need to battle is myself. I think this is often the case for many of us, I know I can certainly be my own worst enemy and most severe opponent in this game of life. I'm a balls to the walls, pedal to the metal, all or nothing, go until the game is over kind of person. I put the blinders on, become incredibly maniacal and get the job done... but to what end? Even when I win, even when I accomplish what I set out to do, I think I lose any joy there may have been in the win when I go about it like that. Still, in my head, surrender is not an option, so the idea of even a strategic surrender does not set well with me. However, as I've been mulling this concept the past week, I'm starting to see the simple genius of the strategic surrender.

Take for example how I spent a good portion of my afternoon...
playing Cityville. Now I know, you're thinking, get a life... but no for real I've been playing this game for a few months now, since it started really and as I sit chained to my laptop for hours on end, its easy to check in every day and complete the challenges and build my city. Only thing is, in this game, expanding the boundaries of your city is damn near impossible and my city was becoming crowded and disorganized and I stopped finding any joy in the game.

For about a week now I had been considering bulldozing and starting over, well today, I bit the bullet, took a chance, bulldozed a ton, moved a bunch, am still a really long way from finishing, but for the first time in ages I feel hope that my little city may turn into something sweet and wonderful that I enjoy playing again. :)

Strategic surrender. I gave up much of what I had accumulated, to gain peace and happiness with my city.

Now take Florida, if getting there is my win, then whatever I have to do to get there is a win, even if the thing I have to do is let go of some of what I want... for now. I realized this past week that I'm behind on meeting certain goals to get there on my timeline, so my choices seem to be, set back my deadlines, give up, or make compromises on my wish list. I'm not willing to set back the date, so I've been examining my other choices and compromising on what I want, in other words, a strategic surrender. Ultimately I'll get it all, but for now, its seems wiser to take less in the moment to get it all later.

For example,
some compromises I'm willing to make if need be to the Florida dream is to take a smaller apartment at first, to not have a car for a while--or at least not the dream convertible ;-)--I'm even willing to wait on my annual pass if need be because getting there is the win.

One of the other compromises I faced this week was in my writing. It gets a little complicated at this point so please bear with me. Everybody needs to have income to survive. I want my income to come solely from my writing so I don't have to split my focus which would ultimately cause my writing to suffer. I have a need to tell stories, and writing this new sci-fi series has been so incredibly satisfying that if I had it my way, I'd get to write something like twenty books and tell this long drawn out complex story that tells of soul mates, and the power of undying love. However, the reality is that as much as I love the new genre, it is new for me and I'm going slower than I usually do and for any of you out there who write for a living you understand that unless you hit the exact mark with a lot of readers, your quantity of books is important to your financial bottom line.

So I've narrowed my choices to two: shorten the reformation books to novella length so I can put more out quicker, or write something else for a few books and switch back and forth. I don't want to sacrifice on story quality ever and as much as I'd love to delve into this series and not come up until its all finished, the facts are that those books need to be full length to do them justice, so my decision is made and once again, I feel like that is a strategic surrender. I don't get exactly what I want, but I can make this compromise because in the end, I'll get that series out there and it will be the way I want it, not compromised in length or detail simply so I could get the books out faster and at the same time, I'll be able to write a large quantity of shorter stories that I think my readers will love. This seems very much like win-win to me!

This concept is still very new for me but I've already found shifting my head in this direction has given me strength and focus, two things I crave desperately! I feel like all my life I've muscled through, this seems more like using my brain than my muscles and for me, that's a good choice!

There you have the details of my strategic surrenders this week, what about you?

Is there something in your life you are trying to accomplish, but you're struggling? Does it seem impossible to break through and get everything you want? Perhaps you could take a breath, step back, and consider a strategic surrender, you never know, it could be the exact thing you need. I find having these choices made, and how comfortable I am with them, has given me a huge charge in my momentum that I truly needed, I'm refreshed and ready for the new week and a new book, next up... Thursday's Soul Mate entry... I'm putting a lot of effort into this week's post because I find the topic truly eluding me and I am determined to get on top... so to speak. ;-) Have a great Monday! ~ Samantha

On The Road to Florida #5

2011-07-30T15:10:00.000-04:00

I want to start out by saying that I've received emails from several people telling me you've made comments on the blog. For some reason however, they aren't showing up on my end. I adore your comments and I'm not erasing them, so please continue to make them! We are attempting to sort out the glitch on this end, but sadly aren't having much luck thus far. Eternal optimist that I am though, I'm sure we'll figure it out soon! In the meanwhilst, keep commenting, and if you can let me know either via email or facebook, that would help since I'd have a good way of knowing how many comments are missing. Thanks!

I had an absolutely insane week, some of which I'll share with you, and some I won't! What is it about romance? So many of us crave it, while just as many of us fear it. I saw Friends with Benefits this week and enjoyed it very much! Justin Timberlake was surprisingly adorable, the script was well written and myself, along with the rest of the audience, laughed out loud numerous times. Good time to be had at the movies to be sure. I also may have learned a thing or two from it...

I'm so not 20 anymore. I couldn't entirely identify with the characters, having never lived that lifestyle, plus having different views on sex and intimacy, but...
what I did take away is that there must be more people out there like me who are either A self confessed dreamy romantics, B proclaiming loudly romance and soul mates don't exist in an effort to be proven wrong, or C you switch back and forth between the two... that's what I do.

I'm trying to address some of my personal issues with love, sex and romance here on the blog on Thursdays with my In Search of a Soul Mate series. This week I intend to start Thomas Moore's Soul Mates, and I'll share my insights on Thurs, so if you've read the book and have anything to share, I'd love to hear it! I'm also thinking of writing to these new lessons. :D

I'm in the plotting stage of a series of books, novellas around 35k a piece that will be pure romantic escapism for those of us who need our fix! Keeping things simple is not my strong suit, but I'm going to take on the new discipline of doing exactly that... at least for the purpose of the next story I write, I'll let you know how it turns out.

At this moment, I'm 2.1 pounds short of my July weight loss goal...
that's so frustrating, but it is what it is. The weight is starting to come off, joining weight watchers has helped I think because it keeps the journey on an even keel. Its helped my focus, there's no guess work in what or how much to eat, and there's that all around wonderful accountability factor... getting weighed in each week. :p

Actually the new program they have is empowering and much easier to stick to than any other plan I've tried before. I'm feeling so much healthier these days, I'm loosing inches, building muscle and losing weight, yet I'm still frustrated with myself for doing this to my body in the first place. I'm also struggling with the patience factor, doing the math realistically, it could seriously take me two years before I get off the last of this weight--unless I go some crazy route, which I don't intend to--but still, its so frustrating. By the time I get to Florida I'll be at my lowest weight in probably fifteen years, but I'm having trouble making my mind be happy with that. My dormant type A personality is in overdrive. sheesh

One thing I try and hold onto is the vision of my life in Florida. Food is always going to be a part of my life, but I'm shifting my ideas about food, and what's enough and what I'm willing to trade the calories for, and quite frankly, just what keeps me healthy. What makes me feel good and strong throughout the day, and I'm letting those be my motivating factors. Long journey this, but so much to learn along the way, I know it will be well worth it. :)

I'm not sure if I mentioned this before or not, but a few months ago I fell into a sleep pattern that surprised me and has been a real game changer. Sleep has long been an issue to be honest. Going all the way back to being a teen, I've always been a ten hour girl, and I've always battled feeling tired throughout the day. Now I know my new found energy has a lot to do with my diet, but in conjunction with that, I sleep for no more than seven hours on any given night. It doesn't seem to matter if its the same seven hours or not, I usually go to bed somewhere between 2 and 5am and simply wake up seven hours later. I look at the clock before going to sleep and count out seven hours, if I wake up earlier than that, I force myself to stay in bed and go back to sleep. Once I'm in the seven hour window, I'll be honest, I'm groggy and don't want to get up, but I force my brain awake. Lately I've found collecting rent in Cityville to be a good wake up, it doesn't take much focus, but by the time I'm done, my brain is awake and I'm ready to start my day. :)

This may sound completely stupid, but I never realized before that sleeping until I felt like waking up may not be the proper amount of sleep for me. Forcing myself awake after seven hours, has given me all the energy I need in the day AND (this is the best part) I don't hit that afternoon slump where you just want to die and are willing to curl up anywhere for some relief... that has killed me all my adult life and its gone!

Its funny how when we learn something is good and right for us, and makes our life better, how we can force ourselves to do it. Not feeling groggy and sleep deprived throughout the day is such a gift, and I never would have thought less sleep to be the answer. So I share, try it and see if it works for you. Play around with length and times and see what is your unique sleep pattern... you never know, this may be a game changer for you as well. :)

This last week has been incredibly emotional for me. I'm in a process of letting go of some things, shifting my ideas on others and finding out what really matters to me and where I'm willing to compromise to get what I truly want.

I'll be honest, I don't like compromise, especially with myself, but I'm looking at the Florida dream as it looms ever closer and I'm not as close to the milestones I needed to hit to get there as I'd like to be. So I've started plan Bing it, not to say I'm giving up on the big dream, but if I get to Florida and have to stay in a cheaper apartment for a while, maybe not own a car, whatever it takes, the getting there part is the important part. I know for me at least, I get stuck in all or nothing mode, well on this, I'm not willing to take nothing! So I'm looking at compromises I can make, some hard, some easy, for instance I was wanting to go through a trial to be vindicated of the charges against me, but when I was recently told that could take up to four YEARS, I swallowed my pride and decided I'd be willing to entertain a plea just to have this behind me.

Now, that being said, I'm not taking a felony, I haven't done a damn thing wrong here and it pisses me off that the truth doesn't seem to matter in these proceedings, but mine is not a cause to change our justice system or to be a martyr to it. Mine is to get to Florida and change my little corner of the world, one book at a time. ;-) If that means I have to say I'm guilty of something when I'm not... as much as I hate it, I'm willing to at least consider it at this point.

I'm also looking at writing a few shorter books just so I can up my overall number, because though I can support myself here in southwest VA on my writing, Florida is a whole other ball park and again I may need to wait on solely focusing on the new series until I have a little more financial stability. On that one though, its all good, I just love to write, so whatever you want to buy works for me. ;-)

Life is a learning process and at the moment, I'm learning to give and take in balance... or at least trying to. I'm learning that strategic surrender is sometimes the right thing and I'm learning that making a mistake is not the end of the world. I have a friend who told me recently that learning goes best with falling and getting up. That stuck with me because he even went as far as to say there was nothing wrong with that which was truly a moment for perfectionist-nothing-I've-done-has-ever-been-good-enough me... but I've been so fortunate in my life to be surrounded by people who help me learn and grow and think in new directions, so today I want to do the same for you.

I love sharing my life with you all and at the end of the day, I see life like a piece of blank paper god's given me with some crayons, paints, and various other implements and said, here honey, make me a pretty picture. I can draw whatever I want on it, and I know from an artist perspective the worst thing to do is draw timidly, so today I want to push you, today is a day to be bold with your color choices and brush strokes on the painting that is your life. Step out, try something new, remind yourself you are alive and if you fall down, remember what my friend said, he's very smart about these things. ;-)

So on that note I leave you to your weekend and I hope to see you all back here soon. Have a wonderful afternoon and remember bold color choices! ~ Samantha

A moment of Adorablocity

2011-07-29T16:31:00.000-04:00

I now return you to your day :)

In Search of a Soul Mate #2

2011-07-28T03:25:00.000-04:00

I find myself in over my head with this topic. When I first had the idea, I wanted to take an honest look at the concept, our cultural views on it and the differences between men and women on this subject, but the first road block I find I've run into is that people define love, romance, marriage, monogamy, commitment, relationship and soul mates very differently!

I realized I wasn't even certain how I defined them. As I'm sure you are aware, I've been dating for five months or so and quite honestly its really the first time in my life I've done so. In my youth, I came into a relationship quite young, went from that relationship to another with the man I would marry, 20 years and 8 months or so later, along came Dale... and here I am now, single and as I said, for the first time, dating... and I suck at it!

I think I expected it to be easier. I think part of my trouble is the area I live in, the men here seem to be looking for something other than what I am and that's been honestly very hard as I have so much history of never being enough. I've been accused of wanting too much, a lifelong favorite, of not being accommodating enough, and my personal current favorite... not being realistic because of what I write. I find that argument so asinine because what if I wrote murder mysteries? Then I wouldn't be a good relationship bet because I might kill you in your sleep? I am a romantic and have been made to think that's a dirty word for so long I became ashamed of it, well why? Is it bad that if I'm in a relationship with you that I want to look attractive, that I want to touch you, that I want to spend time alone with you and that I want sex to last more than seven and half minutes?

What exactly is love? A feeling? The way you treat someone? An illusion? I'm not certain. I'm not certain I've ever really found it. I find myself slowly defining for myself what I believe about all those hot button words like love and romance, but then I worry that will only make communication rougher as I will have a definition for those terms most won't. Still, I think for me its an important exercise. I find myself wanting to go back to the very beginning. Unravel the mysteries of how I interact with men and how I feel and behave in a relationship. There are somethings I like about me in a relationship, and some I don't. I like to be self aware. I like to be intentional with my actions. It seems only right to apply those things here, but alas, I can over think anything to death.

I think I'm better with a partner than I am on my own, stronger in some ways, but I keep missing the mark in my relationships, is that just bad choosing, or is it simply a fact of our fallen, pain filled world. I've never known anyone who truly connected with someone else in a love/romantic relationship, not in a way that lasted. Am I a fool for wanting that? Right this second, I'm very much back to wanting to live my life alone, great friends, no one I let in too close, my writing, my kids, maybe grand-kids some day and of course my beloved Disney World... but even as I type that, my spirit weeps. I'm definitely looking for something, I just don't know what that something is yet.

I think honestly, I've had an extremely emotional week, and I'm tired. I never make a lot of sense when I'm in this place and I try and lay low until it passes lest I annoy anyone with my insanity, but see, therein lies part of my concern, I don't feel acceptable, I feel like a bother. I feel like I need to keep large parts of myself to myself lest I annoy a friend, a lover, a husband... I may be irrevocably messed up and I hate the idea of burdening anyone, so I think no relationships... yet I'm drawn to men like a moth to a flame... I adore them. I just wish I knew how to handle myself better.

In so many ways, I'm still a fifteen year old with no real dating experience who dreams of a man who'll complete me. Yes I know, dreamy romantic sentiment, but there's a part of me that needs to connect. My greatest fear of course is never finding a man I feel that passion with who feels it for me in return.

This man stuff is hard, soul mates seems impossible, but I'm tenacious, I will figure this out! You damn well better believe it. ;-)

Monday Master Class - Dreams

2011-07-25T13:31:00.000-04:00

Do you dream?

I used to.

Ever since I dug out my old photographs I've been thinking a lot about younger me. I was so lonely then and so uncomfortable in my skin, but I was a dreamer. Now I'm comfortable in my skin, not as lonely, but I no longer dream.

Earlier this year was the first time since the early days of my marriage that I allowed myself a dream... to go home, Disney World. Its a good dream and I love having it, and since that first moment, the dream has grown to include friends, an apartment, a life, but it has made me realize how long its been since I had a dream. I make goals all the time but I think the big difference between a dream and a goal is that a dream requires a little bit of magic to see it come true. Its bigger than a goal and it comes from a deeper place in your soul.

All sixteen year old Samantha had was dreams. I now have life experience and wisdom. The problem is, that along with the years, I think I've become jaded. I've grown to expect the worst, I've come to see life not as a place full of hope and adventures, but of sadness, pain, and excruciatingly hard work. I think this happens to a lot of us, so today I actually have an assignment for you, go dig out some old pictures of yourself.

Stare into the eyes of a younger you and remember the dreams you had then. I made one of my dreams come true back then, but there were so many others I allowed life to beat out of me. The exciting thing is, I'm getting in touch with my younger self and her dreams, I'm adding my life experience and wisdom to them and creating whole new dreams, and these dreams, nothing is going to stop me from going after!

I think dreams play an important role in our lives and I think they are too important to just let die. Do you dream of something? Perhaps its something everyone has told you is stupid or not right for you. I would challenge you to look at the dream through your own eyes and you decide if its right for you or not, if it is... reach for it!

I believe with faith, patience, and perseverance, nothing is impossible for us. We were created as amazing beings with a strength of will that is to be marveled at, don't let someone talk you out of what's meant for you. If it burns in your soul, its meant for you to reach for. The journey alone will be worth the risk. Don't let fear rob you. You can do it. I have faith in you. ;-)

On The Road To Florida #4

2011-07-23T01:59:00.000-04:00

I have some amazingly wonderful news... In the past two months, since I went about 90% vegetarian and started exercising again, my blood pressure has gone from off the charts, people were pushing medication at me, stage two hypertension to barely crossing the line into stage 1!! -- Can we all say happy dance?

The scale isn't moving anywhere near as quickly as I would like, but I'm trying to keep in mind the other wonderful things that are happening from my new healthy lifestyle. I've lost three and
a half inches from my waist, an inch from everywhere else, my clothes are all loose, the aforementioned blood pressure and what may be my favorite thing of all, my energy level has gone through the roof! I'm only sleeping about 7 hours a day now and I rarely get tired except if I put in an exceptionally late night/early morning, and I never have that late afternoon crash thing that has killed me for decades! My body is definitely adapting to the new life, its not so happy when I have animal protein anymore, except eggs and milk, those don't seem to be a problem, and caffeine and sugar make me crazy! All in all, the new lifestyle is working and I'm going to keep on going with it!

The new book, To Love a King, is out! ...in case you missed that last week lol ... but in all honesty, I have had the worst time focusing this past week. I've barely written anything at all and that's very frustrating. However, that being said, I think I know why. I'm working out something in my head about soul mates, you may have caught the last blog post, thing is, I write about soul mates, I prefer to read about soul mates, and yet in my day to day life, I've let people talk me out of their very existence. Lately though, something has shifted in me and I feel like this is the time to figure out what I believe once and for all, especially while I'm still single! I've spent a lot of time in prayer, meditation and rambling to anyone who will stand still long enough and as I'm starting to piece together what I believe, I'm sharing the journey here on the blog on Thursdays.

I'm strange, in case you missed that, and often I think of life sort of like a video game, different levels and you can't complete level eighteen until you've done one through seventeen, you know, like that. Well I seem to just be on the soul mate level. Don't know what if anything will come of it, but I've been getting too many nudges in this direction lately to ignore it. It's time.

Anyway, I was going to talk about writing, as I said, the bottom line is simply that I need to be more disciplined. I'm sharing my goal for the week ahead, y'all can hold me accountable. I'll post my daily totals on twitter and facebook and in next week's post, I'll let you know the totals for the week. My overall plan is simply to condense my life for the entire week into two things, writing and walking... I'm going to write a chapter, take a walk, write a chapter, take a walk. So if you're used to chatting with me, or playing games, I will be mostly absent over the coming week... I'm SO addicted to Citiville, I can already feel the withdrawal starting.

I'm sure I'll live... I hope! For now, here's my goals, keep in mind I always overshoot. I work better under presure...

Saturday -write 12 thousand new words into the wip. Walk four times. Drink four bottles of water. Use my free weights twice (total wip word count - 32k)
Sunday - Long day of polishing, hopefully adding at least 5k to the total word count. 2 long walks. 4 bottles of water. (total wip word count - 37k)
Monday - write 12 thousand new words into the wip. Walk four times. Drink four bottles of water. Use my free weights twice (total wip word count - 49k) Yes there is a pattern developing
Tuesday - Long day of polishing, hopefully adding at least 5k to the total word count. 2 long walks. 4 bottles of water. (total wip word count - 54k)
Wednesday - write 12 thousand new words into the wip. Walk four times. Drink four bottles of water. Use my free weights twice (total wip word count - 66k)
Thursday - Long day of polishing, hopefully adding at least 5k to the total word count. 2 long walks. 4 bottles of water. (total wip word count - 71k) Which should theoretically finish the book... woohoo! Oh and Thursday night I have a movie date :)
Friday - Weight Watchers and takin' a day off! :)
So there you have it my intended week ahead and if I can accomplish this I will be one HUGE step closer to Florida and my readers will be much closer to book 2 of The Reformation! Its win-win!

I'm falling asleep to be honest, so I'm going to end this post here, wish me luck and you all have a wonderful weekend!

In Search of a Soul Mate #1

2011-07-22T01:04:00.000-04:00

This is me at sixteen...

Dreamy, hopeless romantic, cat lady in training me, with a wicked streak I didn't understand because sex was not something we discussed in our family. I remember being this girl, I had so many dreams then, of course the big one was working at Disneyland, but I had a dream in my head for how my life would be with Prince Charming as well.

I remember going to sleep every night, snuggled up to my pillow, my head filling with thoughts of how happy and passionate my marriage would be. The man of my dreams was of course handsome, he was the type of man every woman looked at, not because of his looks necessarily, but even not knowing anything about men, I knew some had that undefinable quality of sex appeal and believe me, my husband had that in droves! It was so strange really, I did not understand sex at all, but I knew I was going to have one hell of a sex life with my husband. In my dreams, everything was so easy, we loved each other, we desired each other with white hot passion and had the best relationship of anyone I knew... which to be fair, at the time, really wouldn't have taken much, but beside the point.

Sadly, when this girl went into the world, she was the most naive seventeen year old on the planet and ripe to be taken advantage of...
which is pretty much exactly what happened. My first relationship was with a man 20 years older than me and for three years he led me on, played on my affections, repeatedly broke my heart and cheated on me endlessly. Still, I'd never wanted anything more in my life than to marry this man, thinking of course that if he just loved me enough, he'd change and be faithful. I degraded myself to no end by making myself available and jumping through hoops to keep his attention and by the end, I really had turned into someone I didn't recognize. I let him decide what friends I'd have, what men I'd date besides him, and what I could do with these men and what I couldn't, its not too far off to say I let this man tell me how to speak and how to think... it was bad.

For the record, every woman on the planet did want this man... the down side was he let them all have him. :p I'd still like the man every woman wants, only next time, I'd really like it if he only wanted me. :) ... but I may be digressing.

Even now, recalling the time I spent with him, still hurts my heart and I get so embarrassed remembering how I acted. It was incredibly pathetic, but I fancied myself in some great love story and at the time, no one could have told me differently.

When this relationship ended, I was an extremely broken young woman, only I don't think I ever understood how. I realize now, with a couple more dead relationships and a lot of life experience under my belt, I shut myself down during that relationship. To get free of this man once and for all, I tied and gagged my dreamy romantic, attached cinder blocks to her body and threw her in the castle moat! I changed. I was no longer the sweet, innocent, dreamy romantic. I was harder, guarded, and had thick tall walls around my heart.

I decided never again to go for the "dream guy" I decided only to date men who were "safe". In essence, I only dated men who looked at me and thought I was way out of their league. They didn't cheat. They treated me like I was special. They were so in awe that I spoke to them at all, that they'd take anything I'd offer, and if I didn't offer my whole hear, that was fine with them. So I could still have a relationship and keep my heart safely hidden.

This was not a good life plan, but I was so in over my head with men and relationships it was ridiculous. I knew nothing and was flying by the seat of my pants. I rather rapidly moved from that relationship to what became a twenty year marriage, then flew from that relationship to Dale, and now here I am again, single, with my broken heart healed and dating, and again, in over my head with no clue what I want or what I believe in when it comes to relationships and men.

So in a completely self absorbed sort of way, I bring you the next recurring article on my blog... In Search of a Soul Mate. This will be my regular Thursday entry as I try and decide what I truly believe about soul mates. I write about them, don't want to write about anything else, but recently I was asked why I write about something I'm always declaring isn't real? Is is just wishful thinking? Is it some way to satisfy a part of my dreamy romantic that isn't ever satisfied otherwise? Or could it possibly be that deep down, I do believe in soul mates, and talk myself out of it based on fear of ever being hurt again as I was at twenty?

I fearfully suggest its that last one.

And if that's the case, and if deep in my soul it craves a mate, I owe it to myself to be open to the idea at least. I don't want another failed relationship, so something has to change and I feel that now is the time to truly delve into this topic and decide once and for all what I believe, what I want and what I want to go after and true to form, I'll share it with you all right here sometime Thursday because its what I do. ;-)

This will be a long journey I think, but I hope a fruitful one. I need to get rid of the baggage from that first relationship and who knows, maybe I can even fall madly in love again and this time, be loved back...I shudder to think, but I'm a brave woman, and its time to go back out into the world without the armor. So join me on Thursdays, should be one hell of a ride. ;-)

To Love a King - Story Excerpt

2011-07-19T14:09:00.000-04:00

STORY EXCERPT

“Tell me, Naveenah, did you enjoy my brother’s touch?”

He released Antares and stalked toward her. He’d given the darkness too much free reign, and now, despite how badly he did not want to hurt Naveenah, his feet moved him toward her and his mouth spoke harsh words that were dagger sharp.

“Did he do for you what I have? Did his mouth bring you more pleasure than mine? Did he fuck you well, johoree?”

“Don’t you dare!” The deep growl came from behind, and in a flash Antares was atop him again. “She is not johoree. She is mine.”

She is not yours. She is rianu.

Antares’s fist slammed into his face, but this time he didn’t try to stop him. In truth he needed Antares to stop him.

A wave of emotion inundated him. In that moment, he almost wished Antares would kill him. He took punch after punch without defense. Without Naveenah, he realized, life would not be worth living. He surrendered his soul and his life to his fate. If Antares killed him, so be it.

* * * *

Naveenah had to stop this. This was all her fault, and she would not have the deaths of these men on her conscience. Screaming had done no good. The men were lost to her, instead, prisoners to their rage and hatred. What she had seen Nikolai do tonight truly scared her, and the entire situation was a horrible, horrible mess, but she would not let things end like this. There was only one thing she could see to do that might work.

She steeled her nerves, knowing she would most likely get hurt, but Nikolai and Antares were everything to her now. She couldn’t let this continue. In a flash of movement, she covered Nikolai’s bleeding body with her own.

“Antares, stop!”

She closed her eyes as his fist pummeled toward her face, expecting the pain to burst forth at any second.

When she felt nothing, heard nothing, she slowly opened her eyes to see Antares still standing above her, fists frozen in place, eyes haunted.

“You choose him?” His voice broke like jagged ice. She hadn’t meant to choose anyone. She merely wanted the brutality to stop.

“No. I mean…”

She stood and tried to touch him, but he pulled away. The cracks across her heart were starting to congeal into one shattered entity. How could anyone bear such pain?

“I loved you.” He cupped her face in his hands, more roughly than he had before, then placed a kiss to her lips. “And you reject me.”

“No.”

He released her and found his pants in the rubble of his room.

“Antares, please listen to me.”

She looked over her shoulder at Nikolai, who sat with eyes closed. He appeared to be in a trance, but she couldn’t concern herself with him now. She needed to stop Antares.

“Antares, I love you.”

“Lies.”

His voice was cold and level. The passionate responses she was so used to from him were gone. He dressed and began to walk away, then grabbed her one arm, pulling her face close to his. The pain and anger on the surface of his soul appeared with all clarity in his eyes.

“Tell the nay-chi I declare war on them all, and I won’t sleep until they are all dead.”

He released her as he stormed from the room, throwing her with enough strength that she stumbled and nearly fell. Naveenah wanted to run after him, convince him this was all a huge misunderstanding, but her feet were frozen to the floor. She looked to Nikolai, who seemed completely engulfed in his trance. Her heart was destroyed. Even if Nikolai would not refuse her the way Antares had, it didn’t matter. She could never be with Nikolai again after all this. Her entire world was crumbling into pieces of burning wreckage all around her, and she had no one to blame for it. She had done this all by herself.

Panic clawed up her spine and dug into her lungs. She couldn’t breathe. The rain poured in through the crumbled ceiling. With one last look at Nikolai, she ran. Ran from the room, ran from the hotel, ran out into the night, drenched and shivering. Heedless of the dangers she faced in the dark city streets, she sought only to outrun the pain and hide from what she had done.

Today's the last day for pre-ordering, To Love a King is available tomorrow! :D

Monday Master Class - Being Open

2011-07-18T15:39:00.000-04:00

I have tried to live my life in an "open" fashion for many years. Open to what god wants for me what life/fate/destiny holds. Open to surprises, goodness, even open to the trials of life that teach me so much. As I shifted my life this year to living more intentionally I started to wonder though if I could be too open.

I noticed recently that by staying open all the time, I leave myself vulnerable to being blown around by the breeze. I'm learning there is a difference in being open, and being wishy washy! lol

Take my writing for example, I have spent so much time on To Love a King, in writing, polishing, and editing. Doing everything I need to, so this will be my best book ever. During the process I stayed open to my muse and my editor, refining details, adding new scenes, whatever was needed to make the story the best story I was capable of telling in that moment.

However,
its now in the publisher's hands, there are no more changes to be made, and whether readers embrace the tale of Antares, Nikolai, and Naveenah, or not, I can't do anything more. The time for being open is done. Because I worked so hard and put all of my heart and soul into this, I'm able to let the results go and be open to the next phase. Some people I'm sure will love it, as I'm sure some people will probably hate it, but I know, in my soul, I did everything I could for that story and its reading for publication.

On the other hand, I could have kept the book in my computer another month, year, decade, and more story ideas would have come and I would have made changes, would it have made it a better book? I don't know, possibly, but what I do know, is that by keeping it to myself, by staying open to change on that book, it never would have seen the light of day and I'd be robbing myself of the sense of accomplishment I feel now as well as robbing anyone who will read it and be loved by it.

The point is, there's a time to be open and there's a time to decide and move forward.

I'm facing this in my life right now with Florida, and even more specifically, men. I know in my soul that I need to be in Florida. Yet I continue to date men here, with the secret hope in the back of my head that I may find "the one"... and then what, give up my dreams, my writing... like I did with Dale?

I have lived much of my life in a perpetual state of openess, and I'm seeing now how damaging that can be. There is a time to be open to wonderful things coming into your life and there is a time to simply decide based on the best knowledge you have at the time.

For me, the finding of a soul mate would be a wonderful thing and of course I don't want to miss it, but I think rather than being so open to men in a general sense, I need to be open to the miracle of Florida and what I will find there. So for now, I need to stop being so open to finding that one special man that has eluded me all my life and put my trust in god and what I know in my soul to be true, he's out there, I'll find him, but for now, being open to him isn't the right thing to do. The timing is wrong. I need to wait. Ahhhh Patience 101 taught by the creator himself... lots O fun! :P

So today I would ask you to think about your own life, are you open to what life holds for you? If so, are you too open? The best way to decide these things is through the peace found in prayer and meditation, but I would at the very least encourage you to look at the things in your life honestly, especially anything that has you feeling a bit crazy, like you're chasing your tail... that's a good sign you're being too open. Decide... it'll be okay. If you choose wrong, clean up the mess and learn from it... that's almost more of a blessing than choosing right, but either way, find some still in your life today and make a decision. ;-)

Until next time ~ Samantha

Sneak Peak at To Love a King with an adult excerpt

2011-07-18T12:35:00.000-04:00

ADULT EXCERPT

“Undress. I wish to see you.”

She had to remind herself to breathe as his voice reached deep into her soul and took hold of her deepest desires. She stood before him on the threadbare blue rug and did exactly what he asked of her, removing both her dress and her underthings until she stood before him naked.

The floor was cold, even through the rug. Sunlight filled the room now so nothing was hidden from him. She stood still, offering herself up to him. He looked at her for a long time, his heated gaze burning her skin and setting her desire ablaze, but she waited.

He stood off the bed. He brushed her cheek with one finger, then achingly slow, he walked around her in a circle, examining her from all angles. Naveenah stood still. She did not fidget despite how badly she wanted to. His perusal made her feel like a rare treasure being examined and admired for its exquisite qualities and many facets.

“I feel as though I have waited my lifetime for this moment, magita. I intend to enjoy it.”

He stepped back in front of her, tipping her chin up with one finger so she would look him in the eye.

“More than that, I intend to make certain you enjoy it.”

Naveenah sighed as his erotic promise registered on her heart. He cupped her face in his hands and brought his lips close.

“You honor me, magita.”

His kiss was soft, gentle, with hidden fire beneath licking at all her senses. She pushed her fingers up into his hair, tugging, pulling him just a hint closer. It was she who deepened the kiss, separating her lips and seeking him out with her tongue. He moaned as his met hers, and he wrapped his arms tight around her waist, lifting her from the floor and leaving her feet dangling in midair. He turned and laid her across the bed and watched her with blazing intent as he loosened the ties on his suede britches.

Her gaze momentarily snagged where his wound had been, but not even a scar remained. She reached to touch it, but he grabbed her wrist, forcing her attention back to him.

“You are mine. You will not hide any part of yourself from me.”

She licked her lips and nodded as her heart raced, wondering what he would do next.

“Spread your legs for me.”

She started to laugh, but the sound dried up and caught in her throat. She shivered. She reached to her core and found the courage to do as he asked. She’d never been spoken to like that before, but—good God—she loved it.

He stared at her until she started to cross one leg over the other. She had made only the slightest movement when he placed a hand on her left thigh and met her gaze with his own.

“You do not have my leave to block my view.” He slid his fingers down her inner thigh. Lightly grazing her mound with his other hand, he stopped just short of where she ached to be touched. “You are mine, are you not?”

She nodded enthusiastically, knowing if she said anything other than yes, he would stop.

“I cannot hear you, Naveenah. You are mine?”

“Yes. Yes!”

She felt herself become more aroused than she had ever believed possible, though he’d barely touched her. He reached beneath her, grasped her ass, then pulled her closer to the edge of the bed.

“You will remain still.”

She shivered again, but immediately complied.

He went to his knees between her thighs. She lifted her head to see him, but within seconds his warm mouth covered her pussy, and she dropped back to the bed, releasing a long moan of sheer ecstasy.

The caress of his tongue was slow but full of purpose, as if he knew exactly what to do and how. He ate her with such glorious artistry that she feared she might literally overload. He made slow passes with his tongue from near her ass to her clit, then closed his mouth over her clit, sucking and nipping it until she squirmed and moaned, nearly insane with wanting to come.

His hands still held her ass, positioning her in just the right spot for him to be most effective. His tongue pushed inside her, worshipping her pussy as if he’d never wanted anything more.

“Oh God, I’m going to come. Please, Antares, please. I need to come!”

Naveenah swore she felt him smile against her clit right before he slid his fingers inside her, to fuck her with both hand and mouth. He brought her so close to the edge—another second and she would have been over—and then he stopped. He stood above her again. She wanted to cry, but couldn’t breathe. She curled into a ball and groaned. Never in her life had she felt more desperate for anything. Right now he could have asked anything of her and she would have agreed. Crazy with lust and need, she recognized him for her only hope of salvation.

He climbed atop her, straightening her body and shifting her slightly higher on the large bed as he climbed up.

His kisses came in a wave as he explored and discovered her mouth. She breathed him in, his essence, his taste, now mixed with her own, all that was so uniquely him that she loved so much. His hand cradled her head, and his other supported his weight as he hovered over her.

“You are mine, magita, so I will see to your every desire. You need only trust me to do so.”

Tears welled up. She shivered beneath his kisses, swept away by emotion. No other place in the universe could tempt her away now.

“Love me, Antares. Make me yours.”

* * * *

Want to read more? To Love a King is available now for pre-order. Official release date this Wednesday Come by again tomorrow for another sneak peak!

On the Road to Florida #3

2011-07-17T01:54:00.000-04:00

320 more days at most until I'm livin' the dream! :) I've started a countdown and while honestly I'm hoping to make it to the Florida coast in early spring, June 1st is my positive latest acceptable deadline, so that's where the countdown ends. If you follow me on Facebook or Twitter, you'll see the daily countdown proceed... I'm excited, I post a lot when I'm excited. lol

This was a pretty good week actually, I accomplished a lot! Wrote about 20k, I'm averaging about 5k a day and am trying a new routine, write a day, polish a day, take a day off... I've only done it twice so its a little early to tell how well its going to work, but it seems like a good pace.

I'm working on book 2 in The Reformation series and delving much more into the paranormal aspects to my story so its been a lot of fun. I spent much of today working on a book trailer for To Love a King which is at the top of the page, so please take a sec and watch it. And I of course have to mention that my book is available now for pre-order! This link will take you right to where you need to be. ;-)

Other good things that happened this week,
or today actually was that I walked all the way to the grocery store near my house. Not an unbearable walk, but uphill the whole way and I've never made it without having to stop several times on the hill and feeling like I was dying by the time I made it there. Even walking back, downhill, I'd be dead and sucking wind so bad when I got home. Today, I made it all the way there and back, was able to hold a conversation the whole way and didn't even need to sit down or catch my breath when I got home! I didn't stop at any point in the walk, although don't get me wrong, I was sure the hell happy to be at the top of that damn hill, but what I am saying is that over the past two months my cardio has improved tremendously! That excites me :D

So lets talks about men for a few. One of the big things on my list for after I get to Florida, is to start dating again. I figure by then I'll have my body and my finances in shape, and I'll be desperate for a man... I mean, not desperate, but... oh lets just call a spade a spade, it'll have been more than a year and I'm a girl that needs sex in her life!

That aside, I want to go out into the dating world this time with intention. If you've been following along with my life, that is the big shift I made this year, to live more intentionally. Its been going exceedingly well in the areas I've applied this to, so why not dating? I'm done accepting whatever dates I'm offered and marriage proposals from whatever men offer them. I'm done letting a man choose me, I'm going to choose a man this time... or hell, maybe two or three! :)

I'm ready to redefine what fits my life. I don't need a white picket fence and babies playing in the yard while I bake cookies. I had that, it was wonderful, but its not what I want for this part of my life. I'm not certain I will ever again what marriage. I'm a strong independent woman who doesn't really want to compromise any more. I want to set up my home so I'm comfortable in it and so that it looks attractive to me. I want to go to Disney World on a whim and I want to sleep diagonally across my whole, big, wonderful, king sized, bed fit for a queen whenever I want. I don't want to have to pick up after another man so long as I live and I don't want to have to listen to one go on and on about his day, but zone out the second I start talking about something interesting to me. I just want my own life for a change, a life that suits me and not have to worry about whether it suits anyone else or not.

Now, that being said, that does not mean I don't want to find my soul mate. I know he's out there. I've not been with him yet, but I will be. I can guarantee it.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately, I want that thing that has eluded me in every other relationship I've ever had. That undefinable quality, that thing I write about, that soul connection as if you were each hand carved out of the same piece of wood to fit together in such a way that the universe breathes a sigh of relief when you come together, that's what I want. Once I meet him, I want he and I to define whatever our relationship will be to please ourselves and not society, our friends, family, or anyone else. I need great passion. I need to be truly satisfied to my soul sexually. I want an intellectual meeting of the minds... and I want to go about my life, write my books, enjoy my friends, but oh, when my man and I are together, I want perfection.

I believe that there is a missing piece to my soul and I believe I'll find that missing piece and admitting that is new for me. In the deepest part of me I've always believed in soul mates, it's why I write what I do, but I had it tied to marriage and babies and the perfect little house in the perfect little neighborhood. When at 20 my heart was first crushed, I decided it wasn't true, there were no soul mates and I've been telling myself that its not true for nearly all my adult life and my experiences have backed that up and shown me that love and commitment leaves a lot to be desired. I have worked so hard to convince myself that the idea of soul mates was a romantic notion better left in books and not brought out to torment those of us with vulnerable hearts.

What if soul mates do exist, for some of us? What if they exist only for those of us who crave it, who know deep in their souls a piece of them is missing? People are so diverse, why would anything be for all of us? Really it makes no sense. How many people do you know that don't believe they have a soul mate, or don't care? I think part of the trouble with the idea of soul mates is that we think every person ever created has one and that somehow means everyone has to match up and that truly does seem ridiculous and impossible.

Now if you only take a handful of us that have to match up, at the very least, I figure that shifts the odds in our favor. I won't speak for anyone else, but I do believe he's out there for me. I believe I'll find him in Florida, and I intend to be ready... and there will be more on that subject in next week's post. ;-)

Enjoy the rest of your weekend, check out my book trailer and don't forget the book release is Wednesday! I'll share some exclusive excerpts with you next week so check back then!

To Love a King - Meet Naveenah

2011-07-15T12:17:00.000-04:00

To Love a King is now available for pre-order at Siren Publishing!

Naveenah survived a kidnapping and the ensuing years of imprisonment on a hostile, alien planet. Antares is determined to bring reformation to Vaturia. Nikolai wants to leave the desolate planet. They agree on only one thing: both crave Naveenah. Can she survive two brothers who both want to claim her?

Naveenah has had a tough existence the past four years. Stolen from Earth to be used as a breeder for the vaturian males, she's been kept in a prison camp watching her fellow captives grow sick and die. When she finally meets the great new king of Vaturia, she's not overly impressed. His brother on the other hand is an entirely different story.

I used Aly Michalka as my inspiration for Naveenah. It was her blonde curls that got me I think. Naveenah's a strong woman, but I think she's like so many people today going with the flow and not ever questioning, why? Her ideals of what's right and what's wrong are very strong, but at a certain point she realizes she has no foundation for those ideals and her world starts crumbling... luckily there are two hot and passionate men ready and available to help her pick up the pieces and build a new world.

What I like most about Naveenah is that she's the glue these two brothers truly need to bond their relationship. She's Antares' source of strength and Nikolai's reason to believe and through loving them both, she comes to a better understanding of herself.

In case I haven't mentioned before, I truly love this story and cannot wait for you all to read it. This book has been so long in the making and I hope you enjoy every word!

I'll have some new excerpts for you Monday so make sure to check back, but in the meantime, there are excerpts now up on the book page at Siren, so go and have a read. ;-) And don't forget, you don't need to wait until Wednesday, To Love a King is available now for pre-order in e-book format!

To Love a King - Meet Nikolai

2011-07-14T03:47:00.000-04:00

Only six more days until To Love a King becomes available! I hope you enjoyed getting a little glimpse into Antares yesterday, now I'd like to introduce you to the brother he adores, Nikolai.

Older brother Nikolai was sent away from Vaturia when he was barely more than an infant to be raised on another planet where he would be safe. Growing up alone, he's not fond of having a lot of ties, but after both their parents die he returns to Vaturia to be by his brother side. Though the boys didn't grow up together, they share a deep bond that no one can break, however now that the civil war has ended, Nikolai wants nothing to do with Vaturia, or his brother's vision for it. All he wants is to leave and go back to his solitary ways.

I used Ian Somerhalder, or perhaps I should say Damon from Vampire Diaries, as my inspiration for this character. Nikolai has a secret and that secret makes the character a little darker, more closed off than Antares. He's loyal and has sacrificed a lot for his brother and his people, but he's ready to have a life of his own and proceeds to put a plan in place to get it.

I was never clear about Nikolai's sexual history before the story begins, but you should see the sparks fly the first time he's alone with Naveenah! I'm not sure what he was doing before, but he's one passionate man and over the pages of this book, you'll definitely see that. ;-)

What I really liked about Nikolai was watching him grow into the man he should be. A journey that takes him from his fearful brooding to a savior of his people and in the process he finds his heart in the place he least expected it to be. Nikolai is the bridge between his brother and Naveenah. In the beginning he's willing to use them both to earn his freedom, but what happens along the way, he never saw coming. The intricate dance between Nikolai, Antares and the woman they both want awaits within the pages of To Love a King available for pre order now from Siren Publishing.

To Love a King - Meet Antares

2011-07-12T13:09:00.000-04:00

My latest book releases next Wednesday from Siren Publishing, so you all are doomed to hear quite a bit about it over the coming week. ;-) This book takes place on an alien planet that has been decimated by alien invasion, corrupt leadership and civil war and today I thought I'd begin to introduce you to my characters.

Antares is the newly appointed king with a vision for reforming the planet into something stronger and better than she's ever been. He's a born leader and has dreamed of leading Vaturia all his life. However, he's so focused on his new rule, he misses quite a few important details that are living and breathing right beneath his very eyes.

I used Henry Cavill as my inspiration for this character, yes I was watching the Tudors a lot, love that show!! Physically Antares obviously resembles Henry quite a bit, but where they begin to differ is in personality. Antares has never known love, has never even realized he needs it. He's driven and focused and determined and when he and Naveenah get together, his dominant side really starts to show.

One of the things I quite like about Antares is his love for his brother. They have a strange relationship as Nikolai helped raise Antares, but in many ways Antares acts more like an older brother than the younger one. His need though to have his brother's love and support was something very humanizing I thought in a character who otherwise may have been too much like a solid wall.

I love this man who's a hidden dreamer with an inner boy who's really just looking for what we all ultimately want... to find that one true love we can share our souls with. To find out what happens when he realizes he's going to have to share that love you'll just have to read the book. Find out more about Antares on July 20th in To Love a King which you can pre order now at Siren!

Monday Master Class - Blesssed Normalcy...

2011-07-11T13:25:00.000-04:00

I had an extraordinarily good weekend, I hope you all did as well. :) I finished the final read through on To Love a King, my ex is going over it now to make certain I didn't miss anything--sometimes exes can be nice ;-)--then I'll send it back probably within the hour. I get more and more excited about this book every time I read through it. Its a classic Samantha Lucas love story, only this time wrapped in a legend thousands of years old, set on an alien planet and for the first time, I have two equally amazing heroes trying to win the heart of our heroine with what I think is a soul satisfying ending. Don't forget it comes out next Wednesday, July 20th from Siren Publishing :) Speaking of which, several of my books there are on special until the release so check the link out.

As I've said countless times, I think every life has purpose. I try to share mine in the hopes that something I've learned, something I've gone through, may help you in some way to find answers or strength for your own life. That's the idea behind Monday Master Class. A master class is a class given to students of a particular discipline, and for the purposes here we'll call that discipline living the life we were created for, by an expert of that discipline... of which I am certainly not, but I do think I have things of value to teach and it would be selfish of me to keep them to myself, especially when I witness so many people around me floundering and wanting so desperately for more. So I bring you a focused
(well as focused as I'm capable of) blog on something I've learned, something I've experienced, something I've gone through or something cool I've found that makes my life better. that last one is the theme for today's post so back to the idea of normalcy.

That word is rather vague really. I think everyone has their own definition of what "normal" looks like, and we all need to be careful not to push our view of it onto someone else because what works for me, isn't necessarily going to work for you and vice versa. What we can do however is share what we've found to work in our lives and let someone else take from your lessons what can be applied to them.

This year has been... well trying as most of you know. January hit like a bitch and I've honestly spent most of the year just trying to get my head above water. Well I think I may be there... with my head above water... in fact I think I may have found solid ground! *holds breath hoping solid ground isn't shifting sand* but for the purpose of this blog post, we'll assume its solid and life can resume as normal as my life ever gets.

Have you ever heard of a little thing called Now Do This.com? Its a very simple tool based on the zen philosophy of simplicity and the habit of doing one thing at a time. This works for me, because despite that I can multi-task, I find myself feeling very frenzied at the end of a day where I've tried to accomplish too many things at once. I've been using now do this for several months and I find it most helpful because there are no bells and whistles, just a simple reminder of what I've declared important for the day and the ability to check things off so to speak as I go... oh, and have I mentioned the very satisfying ALL DONE you get at the end of your list? When I see that, I get a giddy sense of accomplishment that feels better than chocolate.

If you need to compartmentalize, you can also have several "lists" going at once by simply typing the @ and the name of your list. For example I have my list and one for things I need Dave to do so after my list of

Prayer and Meditation
Mail and Cityville ;-)
Blog/Write
Walk and Weights
Food
Write!

I write @Dave and make a list below that. Then I have in one place the things I need to tell him as well and I can switch back and forth so easily whenever I need to and with the addition of the application tabs on Firefox5 I just leave the Now Do This tab open at the end of my screen and its always there when I need it.

I can also make separate lists for my day to day stuff and my weight and health things, like I space out meals, excersise and water so I can check them off when I've consumed what I need to :) That list looks a bit like this...

@health
water
exercise
eat
water
exercise
water
eat
excercise
water
exercise
eat

Or you could make a list for the entire week by simply typing out @Monday @Tuesday and so forth.I even have a countdown for Florida on there... of course its going to be a while before I see the all done on that list, but it keeps me motivated and motivation is important! I've got a really good handle on my life and where its headed and of the things I must do to get there and in the coming weeks, I'm going to start sharing those things that keep me strong like prayer, meditation, positive imagery, re-languaging so I hope you'll keep coming back for more master classes. Life is so extraordinarily sweet, I want all my readers to be able to savor every bite! Until next time, take care and keep dreaming ~ Samantha

On The Road to Florida #2

2011-07-09T12:56:00.000-04:00

I moved this post from Wed/Thurs to Saturday simply because it seemed easier to track a week at the end of it rather than the middle of it. Thanks for understanding. ;-)

My main goals to get me from here to Florida are, once again...

write like a fiend
lose weight, build muscle and get healthy
get through the court issues

Well there's no movement on that and won't be for several more months, but as we've all seen this past week, our justice system, though has many good qualities, really isn't set up to handle our modern culture and the broad spectrum of personalities and cultures in it. In my opinion, it needs a major overhaul. I mean I'm being charged with a felony because, and I kid you not, because
I had two lights in my home with wiring that used to be decorative (think 70s with the exposed wires with the chains over them) well in our case, the chains are long gone and the wire runs from the switch to the light in the ceiling without those chains, and apparently constitutes, according to the judge, willful and reckless endangerment of a child's life for which I could theoretically serve ten years in prison for... and this makes sense to whom exactly?

I understand why people are so upset over the Casey Anthony trial, but what truly pissed me off was everyone going after the jury so viciously. Just from what I saw the prosecution had a weak, circumstantial case and the defense did one hell of a job raising reasonable doubt. It doesn't matter what the jury believes in their hearts, they have to make a judgment based on the facts in the case. So be angry that Casey didn't report Caylee missing, be angry Caylee is dead, but leave the jury alone.

To be entirely honest, one of the things that angers me about this case is the way everyone is acting like this is the first time a child has died. No one knows how this child died, yet everyone wants to go on about how she suffered. Is this because she was a pretty little white girl from a good neighborhood? Because seriously children are kidnapped, abused, and even murdered often, but we don't get all up in arms about it like we have here. That makes me angry. I feel like the country has decided for some reason, this child has more worth than other children who we know have suffered. I know it all started with those photos of Casey partying while her child was missing. No one can understand how she could do such a thing and so we hate her. I think that's a grievous error that we as a people make a lot, if we don't understand something, we must crucify it.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't like Casey Anthony one bit and can't find sympathy for her either and I'm not saying she doesn't deserve disdain and punishment, I just am confused by the venom being thrown her way in all this and as I've been going through my own experience this year with the justice system I would just warn, things are never as they appear, don't be so quick to judge harshly. Take your anger and your passion and find a child in your life who you can help. Caylee is gone. Casey has been found not guilty. Don't waste your time, effort or energy hating a woman who won't give a damn whether you do or not... make a difference.

In weight news... I gained... <insert scream of horror here> .2, yes that was POINT two, of a pound! sssigh... okay but that being said, I did eat out four times last week so all in all I actually think I did real good. I made good choices, I only ate half my meal at any of the places I went, I had my dressing put on the side, I bulked up with veggies... I did good :) I'm also developing a joy for exercise. I started by taking one ten minute walk a day, seriously it was all I could do and much of that walk is uphill, and now I'm up to taking that walk four times a day, plus using my free weights. So I'm feeling a whole lot stronger these days but I'm also learning a lesson about the emotional side of my weight.

The above photo is me around age sixteen at a pool in Vegas. My grandmother loved Vegas (often wonder what she'd think of the place today!) but the reason I am wearing shorts and a tee and not a bathing suit, is because I remember very clearly feeling FAT! As self consious as I was about my weight, I would not wear a bathing suit if I could avoid it and if I was going to go into the water, I'd take off my shorts or whatever cover up right at the edge of the pool and cover myself with the water as fast as I could so no one would see how fat I was.

That fact being tragic in and of itself, I think also explains why weight has been such a big issue for me all of my life, I clearly have no conception of what fat/healthy is! I look at this photo now and think I had a fabulous body and I wish I'd enjoyed it! I also look at this photo and think if my family was wrong about me being "chunky" what else are they wrong about where I am concerned? This is a very freeing photo for me and I'm SO glad someone pushed me to pull it out because I'm doing some decluttering of my emotional closet based on this photo... but I digress.

One of the problems I've had over the years with weight is that I've never felt any different even at my heaviest of 300+ lbs than I did back then at 16 at whatever weight that was. Inside it all feels exactly the same so I had no real motivation to lose the weight I've been carrying around because I didn't think it would make a difference. My feelings say it won't, and I tend to listen to my feelings way too much.

I think I'm beginning to see it differently now.

I do realize that at my age and after having two children I won't look like that girl in the photograph any longer, but because of my weight struggles, it has become important to me, not just to loose the weight, but to get my body in the best shape possible. Look at some of these photos of inspiration from women my age and older...

I think I can have a pretty amazing body, IF I'm willing to put in the work. As my kids are grown and my social life is non existent, this seems like the perfect time to be good to myself and bring back that body I was always meant to have. It may take me a couple of years all things considered, but damn, the need to do it burns in my soul and I can't wait to see what I'll look like when I accomplish this!

Writing of course is the other big thing I'm working on these days. I find it interesting that last year was a year of really only working on one thing, my walk with god. I built such a strong spiritual base that I now feel ready to start building on top of that solid foundation and my cornerstone was and always will be my writing.

Once I finish this blog, I'll be finishing the final read through on To Love a King which comes out July 20th from Siren Publishing! Writing has always been cathartic for me. Creating characters and stories as imaginary friends lasted well into my teen years and having the honor of sharing those stories and characters and now even entire worlds that are conjured in my imagination... not even just the honor of sharing, but the way you all have embrace my stories, its truly the best thing that's ever happened to my life.

To see a future coming together for myself and my kids based on that writing, its more than I ever dared dream before, but these stories are going to get me to Florida and my new sense of self and power is going to keep me from screwing the whole thing up! ;-) I am becoming a new person every day, but recently things are shifting into place faster and more perfectly than ever before. I'm honored, blessed and give the glory to my god who I know walks with, guides, and protects me every moment of my life. Don't get me wrong, I work my ass off and I'm sacrificing a lot right now to make this dream reality, but I'd be nothing without my spirituality, it means the world to me.

So going into next week be prepared for lots of book talk and some story excerpts as I get ready to celebrate the release of my first work in over three years. I'm beside myself excited and I truly hope you'll come celebrate with me! Until then, have a wonderful weekend and see you all in the coming days! ~ Samantha

Head Hopping... the bane of my life as a writer

2011-07-05T13:10:00.000-04:00

I am a storyteller. Its in my genes. There is not much more pleasurable nor exciting for me than telling a great story and to do so, I need my characters to come to life off the page and be real and exist, not only in the mind of my reader, but in her imagination as well. As a storyteller, I am never better then when I am allowed to move POVs from character to character within a scene, I enjoy doing it and I do it well, its part of my gift... the part that gets cut out without examination in nearly every story I send to a publisher because most publishers and editors have the words Head Hopping engraved so deep in their inner text of BAD WRITING that they often won't even look to see if it works or not.

I'm not down on publishers or editors, I understand how difficult their job is and how many people head hop without direction nor polish, it can be a very bad thing when done poorly, jarring and in most cases ruins the story the author is trying to tell. I think publishers and editors have decided the best way to handle this is to simply not allow anyone to shift POV within a chapter or scene thus narrowing the potential for brilliance of a story and its artist telling that story.

I give you this...

“Too often, this rather fussy doctrine pointlessly constricts writers’ options and narrows their range. As for the claim that the reader can’t follow multiple or shifting points of view, it is simply false on its face. The whole history of the novel is testimony to the contrary, from Jane Austen to Thomas Pynchon. In masterpiece after masterpiece, the narrative point of view readily changes from page to page, or even from sentence to sentence and only delights as it does so. In fact, one of prose fiction’s grandest strengths, which it exercises for once in effortless superiority over all other narrative media, including the movies, is its ability to dart in and out of any character’s mind at will. To forgo this splendid artistic advantage in the name of some pallid academic theory is really madness.”
–Stephen Koch, The Modern Library Writer’s Workshop, page 90

As an artist I want to use every brush available to me to paint my story and so this writer has found a publisher willing to at least not say no out of hand, and this writer is going to attempt the story of my life by using this technique, and using it properly!

As I begin what will most likely be released as book 2 in The Reformation series at Siren Publishing, I am going to attempt to properly tell a story using what is classically known as shifting 3rd person POV. I don't know about anyone else, but when I'm telling or reading a love story I want to know, at the very least, what's going on in both hero and heroine's head during pivotal scenes. I am sorely out of practice as I have worked so hard to contain my desire to write this way and sanitize my storytelling so to "fit in" now I'm breaking out. I'm going to try it my way, at least this once, if for no other reason that to say I did.

So what's your story? What, either in writing or even in your life, do you change or do the way someone else wants it done simply because it seems you have no other choice than to do so? Because I'd challenge you today to step outside that box of grey and find out for certain if its something, not only that you can do, but perhaps should do! Food for thought. ;-) Have a great Tuesday! ~ Samantha

What's on my mind ~ Self Publishing

2011-07-02T02:07:00.000-04:00

I know that self publishing is all the rage these days, but I personally don't buy most self published books unless I know the author. As an author myself, I'm thrilled to have a publisher stand behind my work, for professional editors to find all my ridiculous errors, and for the promotion and support when I need it.

Now that being said, I do have a few older titles that aren't out anywhere at the moment, and I've toyed with the idea of putting them up in Kindle, but as a reader, I know what publishers I can trust for putting out quality work. I'll pay a fair amount for a good read and feel utterly satisfied, but even paying a mere 99cents for trite infurtiates me. So despite the turning tides and the current trend of self publishing, I for one will stick with my publishers, whom I adore, and will continue to read books only from trusted authors or publishers, and on recommendation from trusted friends... Just my opinion for what its worth. ;-)

Just a reminder that To Love a King will be available July 20 from Siren Publishing! Here's a preview...

After an alien occupation and civil war brought Vaturia to its knees, a new king is crowned. Antares is determined to restore his world with his brother by his side. However, Nikolai isn’t interested in restoring Vaturia. What he does want is to correct a dark moment in vaturian history when females deemed compatible for mating were kidnapped from other worlds. He negotiates a deal between Antares and a human woman: if Antares can’t convince her to mate with him within one year, Nikolai will be allowed to free all the women and leave Vaturia forever.

Naveenah survived kidnapping and the ensuing years of imprisonment on a hostile, alien planet. Can she survive two brothers who both want to claim her? Antares is determined to bring reformation to Vaturia. Nikolai wants to leave the desolate planet. They agree on only one thing: Both crave Naveenah.

On the Road to Florida #1

2011-06-29T23:51:00.000-04:00

My most wonderful readers, I want to start this post by saying thank you as always for your constant support. I received two emails today from readers who wanted to tell me how much they were looking forward to my next book and I can't even begin to express how much that touches my heart. Any of you who have followed my assorted blogs over the last five years know the struggles of my life, the joys of my heart and the dreams of my soul. I share as I do because I believe we are never alone in this life and if I can ever give anyone a moment of feeling as if they are not alone, that perhaps someone else may understand them or empathize with their plight, I want to do that. Its important to me as I have spent far too much of my life feeling isolated, alone and misunderstood.

A few months ago I made a decision
to go home to my beloved Disney World. I'll be making the move sometime next spring and I am ecstatic about this. There are a handful of people in my life who are excited for me, but many as usual who feel I am running away, or suffering Dorothy complex, looking for something I already have. However, Disney is sacred for me. It has been since I was five years old. I've lived my life with unlimited access to the place and I've lived it without, there's something there for me, something that feeds my soul. Like the fountain of youth or some other mystical source of strength and healing, Disney is that for me. So whether you understand that or not, I'm going home.
At this point you may be wondering as to the point of this latest ramble of mine, well its simply this, I have a lot I need to accomplish in the following year and as I tend to live my life on purpose and out loud, and because blogging about my life gives me a sense of accountability and because you've all been with me through everything else, I'm going to share this with you all as well.

Sometime late Wednesday I'll make a new post and fill you in on my progress, but so you have an idea of what I'm trying to accomplish, here we go...

-- a quick warning, this list is blunt and honest and probably makes me sound like a horrid wretched creature that lives beneath a troll bridge, but I'm ready to face head on what I want and being honest about it is an important step.

I need to have my financial life stabilized and that needs to happen through my writing. I'm not willing to even consider anything else.

To accomplish this I need to hit certain milestones

I've created a writing schedule for myself that is pretty hard core, but this is important enough to me to drop every other aspect of my life and focus on my work. I'll be writing 2 books back to back over four weeks, then taking a week off. This allows me to have 12 books into my publisher by the end of the year.

I'm very close to finished with book 2. The first of these books does come out next month from Siren publishing. I've got a new look coming for my website and will be making several "virtual" appearances around the web to talk about the new series. See my Florida dream is win-win, I get something you get something. ;-)

I have a certain dollar amount I need to be making each month/quarter to be able to support myself and my son. I'll be noting this in percentages along the way

This is a picture of the apartment complex I have chosen to be my first Floridian home.

I also have an amount to have in savings, for the move, new furnishings when we arrive and for emergencies. Again, I'll be tracking this by percentages, for example, I've met this goal by 1%.

Here's a pic of my first planned purchase once arriving in my new home :D

2. I need to regain my health and fitness.

I'm over weight, however I have started a weight loss and fitness program and I've never been more serious about anything in my life. At some point, I will divulge before and after photos and numbers, but for now, I'll just be posting results. I'm heavier than I've ever been in my life and while I realize the shape of your body has nothing to do with your heart, mind or spirit, for me, its become unacceptable. I want my old body back. I want my energy and health and my stamina back. I want to go to Disney and not get tired so fast, not have my feet hurt. Not be embarrassed should a buckle not fit on a ride. I have so many reasons to lose this weight and get healthy, this is my time, I'm going to do it.

3. My legal issues need to be finished.

I don't have a lot of control over this, however I am feeling so much stronger now than I was at the beginning of the year and have decided to see this through until I have been vindicated and cleared of all charges. I have done nothing wrong and I don't intend to say I did.

A few other misc items ~

new laptops for both Alec and myself
Getting my driver's license again, still no desire to drive here, but I will want to in Florida
buy a car - something I actually like (more on this later)

finish up dental work
trip to the dermatologist for a mole on my arm I want looked at
buy a whole new wardrobe :)
girl stuff... skin care, hair, nails, etc...this falls under the heading of vanity, because once I get to Florida, I am going to start dating again, and this time, more intentionally and I'm really looking forward to it.
Cell phone?

Here's the bottom line, I'm going to achieve the life of my dreams this time around and I'm willing to work harder than I've worked in my life and sacrifice anything I need to sacrifice and leave the rest up to god. Will it work out in the end? Its anybody's guess, so consider me a little science experiment, can you make all your dreams come true through hard work and sacrifice, mixed with a little faith, patience, consistency and excellence. I intend to find out, and I intend to share it all here each week. Come with me for the journey, its bound to be an adventure.

So what about you? Are you living the life of your dreams? If not, why not? Come one, its time to seize the day, lets take this journey together, support one another and a year from now we'll all be living more full, healthier, happier lives. What do you think? I'd love to hear about it. ~ Samantha

Introspection

2011-06-14T15:39:00.000-04:00

I tend to be a rather introspective person, but today I seem to be drowning in it. I handle that best by journaling or spending hours on the phone with assorted friends, but today I thought I'd write a rather introspective, and most likely rambly blog post and see if anyone gifts me any insight.

I'm going through a lot of personal changes this year. My life took a detour through hell for two years and I'm trying very hard to stand on sometimes shaky legs and rebuild myself into something better than I was before. I'm definitely stronger, I control my emotions better... most of the time, I'm learning a lot right now about how to be the master of my fate so to speak, just in not letting people walk over me, not letting guilt rule my world and not doing anything I don't want to do. Now that doesn't mean selfishness, because I'm an incredibly compassionate woman, but rather than agree to serve on some committee, or get involved in an outreach program because it seems like the right thing to do, I dig deeper and give of myself in ways I feel passion for. Animals for instance, I give time to the no kill shelter and that gives back to me. So I'm still giving of myself, but I find this new perspective on my life allows me to give from a deeper well and not constantly be chasing burn out.

Men, y'all confuse the hell out of me sometimes. I'm a very sensual woman, but I was raised with strict morals and have an inner good girl I'd like to tie up and leave at the curb on garbage day at times, but I'm working on finding balance and peace between what she wants and what the deeper woman in me needs. I think in the end, a man will be happiest with a woman who is with him out of passion and choice, not because she felt she couldn't have more because someone told her once that it was wrong to want.

I still struggle with feelings of being unworthy, though, not always... in fact, not even often anymore, but there are moments, especially after meeting someone and discovering I'm enjoying who they are, that I start to question what they could ever see in me. I don't let those feelings rule me anymore, but they can still cause a pretty good stumble from time to time.

I'm a work in progress, and I still have so much I want to learn and experience, but sometimes, today for instance, I feel scared. I think about just going back, living my life alone, without complications, like that is somehow better. Its a moment, it will pass, but right now, I'm honestly struggling. I guess that's why they call it a journey, life never does stand still, not even for a moment.

Here's to all of you on your journeys, may you find peace, happiness, and love if you so desire it, and most of all, thanks for listening to my ramble. ;-)

To Love a King Cover Debut!

2011-06-13T16:18:00.000-04:00

To Love a King Available July 2011 from Siren Publishing. More info available at www.samanthalucas.com

After an alien occupation and civil wars brought Vaturia to its knees, a new king is crowned. Antares is determined to restore his world with his brother by his side. However, Nikolai isn’t interested in restoring Vaturia. What he does want is to correct a dark moment in vaturian history when females deemed compatible for mating were kidnapped from other worlds. He negotiates a deal between Antares and a human woman: if Antares can’t convince her to mate with him within one year, Nikolai will be allowed to free all the women and leave Vaturia forever. Naveenah survived kidnapping and the ensuing years of imprisonment on a hostile, alien planet. Can she survive two brothers who both want to claim her? Antares is determined to bring reformation to Vaturia. Nikolai wants to leave the desolate planet. They agree on only one thing: Both crave Naveenah.

Lessons From Dating

2011-06-11T21:21:00.000-04:00

Please excuse this post as it is entirely self serving and personal. I've been dating recently, y'all may be aware and of course I'm discovering things about myself, this post is my usual way of trying to digest it all.

I look like a nice girl. I do. I have blonde hair, blue eyes, a sweet smile... or so I've been told, I dress up most of the time, love skirts and looking like a woman... but I'm so much more than that. I have wicked side that shows up in my books at the very least, a spiritual side that makes me the strange multifaceted woman I am and a fire that burns deep inside me that ignites passion that seeps into everything in my life, my relationships, my writing, my cooking , gardening, parenting, and in my constant quest to become a better person and save the world. ;-)

My looks draw attention, but few people can handle what lies beneath. If you ever experience me in living color, I can be rather potent and I've spent a lot of my life
feeling guilty about that because it seems to scare people. It may seem ridiculous, but I swear I identify so strongly with Miley Cyrus' song Can't Be Tamed. Perhaps my inner teen is just running amok, but I like who I am, and I crave my independence and I don't want to be caged, or changed, or saved, or tamed.

I've done the housewife thing... for twenty years and while I enjoyed it at the time, and found a great deal of worth in it, I never want it again.

That being said, I try to live my life open to possibility. If I found great love and it was returned, I wouldn't run from it, but right now, though I'm open to meeting people, I'm not looking for a long string of men to sleep with, and I'm not looking for the love of my life. I love people, I adore men, and I love who I am when I'm exchanging ideas, experiences and flirtations.

I'm a creature who can not stand to lay still. I need to be learning and growing and becoming more of myself, I do that best in contact with other people. Most people that brush through my life never have any real understanding of the gifts they give me. I learn by listening, by watching. Its the joy of my soul so discovering new people is exciting.

The downside to that of course is that few people stay for long. I sometimes feel like a stop on the way to the real destination for most people, and though I don't have an overall problem with that, there are times when someone makes a deeper impression and when that person leaves, I feel loss. Doesn't mean I was in love with them, but that feeling of connection I get with some people means something to me and when its taken away, my equilibrium goes off kilter for a bit.

Its all worth it though, even the sadness of someone leaving, because if I let you in, you touched my heart and changed my life, and even if you didn't want to stay, I'm forever changed and I will hold you in my heart forever. Its what I do. Its who I am... and did I mention earlier? I like who I am. :)

Stages

2011-06-06T15:00:00.000-04:00

My life seems to run in stages. I imagine most people's do really, if only I'd realized this at twenty! I grew up with the mindset of building my life and dreams to the point of completion, most likely somewhere around 25, then just living them the rest of my life... poor dreamy sixteen year old Samantha. The sad part though really is that its taken me this long to realize that stages of life are really a better way to look at things.

I've had a good life. Especially if I compartmentalize it.

My childhood. No, I didn't have the most loving mother, but my grandmother and my aunt, to this day, are two of the most special people I've ever known. When I was young, my family was close, and my grandmother and aunt loved me. I have many good memories mixed in with the sad and lonely ones.
The teen years. Well this was a time of sadness for me as my father left and my mother lost what little mind she had to begin with and from 13, I was pretty much on my own, with a younger sister to look after. Of course these are the years I started dealing with my rather potent sexuality, yet I spent most of my time alone. I was acting and modeling, but as shy as I was, I really had no friends, certainly no boyfriends but the ones I made up in my head to keep me company... who knew how well that ability would serve me in the future! I'm fortunate though, because during these years, I truly was at great risk for being taken advantage of and being abused, so my solitary lifestyle, though a source of great pain, also kept me safe and I'm thankful for that.
My young adulthood was spent at Disneyland where I finally was able to run a bit wild. However, as I'm starting to realize now, I changed during this time into someone fake. In truth, I'm a girly girl, a dreamy romantic, a lady. When I started hanging around people my own age for the first time, I didn't fit in. I spoke differently, I had impeccable manners, I had good posture and dressed up always. The people around me took these things and labeled me a stuck up princess... I wasn't stuck up! Princess, okay fine, but not stuck up. :P Anyway, so I did what most any young person would do, I picked up the language and clothing of my peers, and began to act like them. Even started making up stories about my sex life which at the time was completely non existent but freaking hell no one could no I was a virgin! So I faked everything, pretended to have more experience than I did, stuck to my virginal ways in secret, and had some amazing times and memories I won't forget.
Marriage and family came next. I was barely married a year when my oldest was born, so I never really got to settle into "married life" before suddenly I was a mom. And though that marriage didn't work out in the long run, being a wife and mother defined me for the next twenty years. I don't regret that, I have two amazing young men as a result and a ton of wonderful "mom" memories, but as that stage started coming to an end, that was when I finally found my place in writing.
Becoming a published author was the first key to my true freedom. I had my own money, I was doing something I loved, and for the first time ever, I decided to act on what I truly wanted. The last five years have been a series of chaotic successes and failures, but I've learned more about myself than I have in all the rest of my life combined.

So what's next?

Good question. I'm still learning, although I figure I always will be, however the last few weeks some of the best fitting keys to my life have started arriving. The hardest part of course is always the patience part. I can see my future, but I want it NOW. However I am a great believer in God's timing and I know if I rush things, just grab what I can now, rather than have patience and methodically take the steps necessary for all my dreams to come true, I'm going to end up on my ass again. I feel very much like Rapunzel locked in that tower. My life is now, yet at the same time, its on hold, I'm locked in that tower and patience is really my only means of true escape... lol You following?

My plan of course is to get to Florida because with everything that's in me, I know that's where the next stage/chapter of my life takes place. I just have to wrap up things here before I can go there. Court, writing, finances, weight and health... the list goes on and on. I plan to be in Florida no later than spring of next year though. I feel like this part of my life is sort of a mini chapter, where I am planting the seeds of my future. Focus is hard for me lately though, but I'm hoping this week to begin to use some new tools I've been given for goal planning and time and emotion management. All goes well, I'll have edits done, the rewrites in book 2 of the reformation series finished and may even have a date this weekend. This week is all about getting on track, internalizing the lessons learned, and focusing on the things I need to get done in the present to provide the future I so greatly desire.

I hope you all have a wonderful week ahead, remember to live in the moment at least some of the time, be present in celebrations, allow worries to rest on a bigger set of shoulders, and connect with the part of you that once dreamed. I think you'll be happier for it. :) Take care, until next time ~ Samantha

Random Sampling of my Thoughts... in visual format ;-)

2011-06-05T19:08:00.000-04:00

Self Esteem vs Self Worth

2011-05-27T00:32:00.000-04:00

Esteem: regard with respect or admiration
Worth: The quality that renders something desirable, useful, or valuable

I've been doing a lot of thinking on this subject lately, a lot of introspection and observation and this post is my attempt to straighten out in my head all the things I'm noticing and learning. Take from it what you can. If it resonates with you in any way, god bless. :)

The "self esteem" movement in this country is several decades old at this point and in my opinion, a dismal failure. Where it all started was in 1969, when psychologist Nathaniel Brandon published a highly acclaimed paper called “The Psychology of Self-Esteem.” He argued that “feelings of self-esteem were the key to success in life,” and schools in particular, and subsequently parents, latched onto this idea like the messiah himself.

If you google "self esteem movement" you'll find some fascinating articles on the subject, a few that I found particularly eye opening are listed here.

As I was raising my children, I fell 100% into this trap. I'd grown up feeling stupid and worthless and the last thing I ever wanted
to do to my children was have them feeling the same so the idea of building self esteem seemed like the exact thing a good parent would do. My boys are now 17 and 20 and I'm thankful along with all the "good job" and you're so good at that" statements, I threw in a lot more in parenting my children giving them a wide base foundation for which to build their lives on and now as they start to navigate their own lives, I see how much they needed those other ingredients the most.

Many parents seem to forget, or never learned, that there is more than building "self esteem" involved in raising the souls left in their care. This thing of everyone getting a "participation trophy" and never being critical of our children has left them in a bubble, never really having authentic positive or negative experiences and these children tend to become completely self absorbed, think the world owes them a living and crumble at the first real obstacle they face in life. Children have an exalted view of their own merit and ability and an attitude of entitlement that has become so pervasive in our society that its crumbling the pillars of it from the inside much like a termite in a hundred year old house. These children, when reaching adulthood, now feel that we all owe them anything their little heart desires and if they are made work for something, or they fail at something, quite possibly for the first time in their lives, they don't know what to do and start grasping for ways to cope with feelings of inadequacy and failure.

However, I digress. This blog post is more meant to be about my own personal journey to the core of my self worth or lack thereof. Now some may say self worth and self esteem are the same thing, and therein I think lays the biggest danger. Language is a funny thing, communication can be so difficult because I look at this flower

and say it's an agapantha. You look at it, and call it lilly of the nile and decide I'm an idiot because I don't know the flower's name and therefore you write me off and miss the knowledge and enlightenment I was about to gift you with. Agapantha is its scientific name, lilly of the nile its common name, neither of us were wrong, we were just using different words. I hope you can get past my word choices in the rest of this post to hear the lesson I'm trying to share here.

Going back to my boys, at 17 and 20, though they have pretty decent self esteem, I watch them as they still struggle with their self worth. The other day I was having a conversation with someone who asked me if I take my sense of self worth from inside, or from the people I surround myself with, and I realized much to my own shame, I'm about half and half. Critical people are very hard for me to ignore, but even as we were having this conversation I was thinking that my worth should come from some place deeper, and though I knew that in my head, I couldn't feel it in my soul. I didn't believe it, not really.

Oprah said yesterday in her last show that self worth is your birthright and as I've heard that many times in my life coming from a church background, I understand the theory of we are worthy because Christ died for us, but what if we take that one step further? I am worthy because the god of the universe took the time to create me. He wants me, period, everything I am, exactly as he created me and therein lays my worth.

Self esteem, in my opinion, is something you lay on the surface of who you are. I'm a good person, I go out of my way to help, I strive to always do the right thing no matter how hard it is, I deserve respect for the things I've accomplished in my life, these things all give me self esteem but self esteem isn't worth crap if deep in my soul I doubt my own worth.

For me personally, the greatest attack on my worth comes from outside sources. Dale's mom for instance, her words still hurt me and those who are close to me now, know what I've been dealing with this year and how much mud is getting flung in my general direction, in these moments, I feel as long as these people have the opinion of me they do, I have no right to expect happiness or to think I'm anything other than what they say I am. Its ridiculous, but that's how I feel.

What I think is that I'm an amazingly compassionate woman. I'm loyal to death, I make a commitment and my word means something. I have amazing faith, I'm a damn good mother, creative, passionate...

So what if instead of listening to cruel, ignorant people, I listen to the god of the universe? I mean which person is more likely to have my back!? If other humans on this Earth can't see my worth, that really is their problem, however, accepting that is easier said than done, isn't it?

I think what it comes down to is that self esteem is something you can get, something someone else can give you, but its not really all that useful because it doesn't go any deeper than surface level. Self worth is something you have to accept, to accept your worth was created in you as you, yourself, were created, it can't be earned, it can't be lost, it just is... which on the whole, at least in my opinion, is a hell of a lot harder to do.

Well there's some food for thought, as I work through this issue in my own life, expect some follow up posts. ;-) You have beauty within you, accept that, and touch the world with it. Till next time ~ Samantha

I learned Something

2011-05-25T12:48:00.000-04:00

I had a fabulous day yesterday, a nearly perfect day truth be told, and I needed that so badly. I realized something though, my life is in the ditch, and because I ran it there myself, I don't feel like I deserve the little things in life, you know, food, rest, downtime... and because I refuse myself these things, I get kinda crazy at times, then take it out on my poor friends... of which I will be eternally sorry for.

I have a lot I want to accomplish with my life in this chapter. I have a lot I need to fix right now. That being said, I can not do any of it if I don't take care of myself. I realized yesterday that because there are so many people in my life right now accusing me of things I haven't done, and of being a person I'm not, I feel like its not okay to think otherwise. I know I over think everything, I do, there's no getting around that, but I positively can not continue in the way I have been. I need to bring back prayer and meditation on a very regular basis, I positively have to remember to eat. I can't let circumstances stop me from that, because when my blood sugar gets messed up, its NOT pretty. And I have to remember to take some time off for myself. To relax. I have to remember that despite what anyone thinks, I do deserve to treat myself well. I owe it to myself to treat myself well, because who the hell else is going to do it?

Anyway, I have a bad headache today, but that's okay, I'm going to go eat, then write, then go into my garden and meditate. I loved my garden last year, haven't stepped one foot into it this year. I'll be okay people, I'll get through this, and for those of you who are supporting me, who allow me to bend your ear and cry on your shoulder, you are invaluable to me and I only wish I had some way to repay such kindness. I just have to remember to breathe, keep taking it one step at a time, and remind myself how I would treat me if I were someone else and not myself... if that made any sense. lol

I can't believe its Wednesday already, have a great hump day everyone and thanks again for all the support ~ Samantha

Another Day... and I'm still standing. :)

2011-05-20T18:06:00.000-04:00

I always say there is no way to know when something you say is going to connect just right with someone else, giving them the strength to keep going in their own life. It's why I blog so openly about my life. I had a conversation today with a friend I treasure and through things he said, that I'm sure he didn't even know he was doing, it shifted something in my soul and reminded me who I am. Right now, I'm struggling greatly. Everyday fear, loneliness, and uncertainty erode my confidence and my faith and my vision for the future. Everyday I have to find some way to shore up those things because I won't ever give up. Today, this friend did that for me.

I want personal happiness. I want a full life of love and joy and new adventures. I want amazing things for my children, but behind all of that there is the deeper part of my soul that wants so much more. The part of me that forces me to take the hard road, that keeps me going one step at a time even when I think I can take no more. I need to touch people's lives and so much of that is immersed in my writing. I'm so very fortunate to have this ability and to have found publishers who believe in me. At the end of my life, I hope I gave my boys good strong foundations, I hope I found true soul deep love, but mostly, I hope I changed the world simply by making people look at things a heartbeat different than they had before.

Writing satisfies my soul. Sharing it with you all, fills my heart. Have a wonderful weekend everyone. <3 ~ Samantha