On the Road to Florida #13

I have been so busy with work the last two weeks I've barely had a chance to breathe. I'm equally frustrated and excited though that the work has been more life oriented than book oriented. Something is happening in my life, something that feels almost magical for lack of a better way of putting it. Its as if the pieces of my life are being revealed as they slip into place. My brain is expanding, my strength is growing solid, and I'm becoming bolder. I have a passion and a calling on my life and I have a lot of people in my life who don't seem to understand this. They want me to be "normal" they want me to follow the rules of logic... hell, I used to want that myself! I've spent a good bit of my life trying to make sense, follow the common sense, plan think do... be normal, but I'm realizing that Passion doesn't live normal. Passion isn't logical. Passion isn't tame. Passion doesn't have a back-up plan. I'm going after all the things I want in life and I'm also going to surround myself only with people who can be supportive of me in this journey.

I've been living a walking the fence existence much of this year between the life I'm headed for and the life that makes the people around me most comfortable...that stops now.

I have seen how blessed I am and how disrespectful to that blessing it is to water it down so I don't get argued with. I have no real idea why everything has turned completely and why I'm headed into such a beautiful place in life, but I would suspect it has a lot to do with my attitude, the relanguaging and just plain old fashioned hard work I've been doing, but also, for me, I believe it also has to do with my obedience and submission to my god. For without god, I have no real passion in life. Without god how can I have a calling? A greater purpose to my life?

We all filter our experiences through our history, I grew up in a baptist environment, so my language comes from the church and though I don't believe in, agree with, or even rarely darken the door of a church anymore, my faith in a higher power is stronger than ever. I don't worry so much about knowing exactly what that higher power is, I just feel it and follow it... and it seems to be working for me because I am seriously poised to have everything I ever dreamed and that's exciting!

I want to take a moment to thank a couple of people in my life who stood out this past week...

• Jamie, because you said something to me the other day that gave me the courage to grab the calling I have on my life and claim it. I appreciate that more than you could know!
• Rene, because the other night on the phone you asked me a question and I couldn't answer it. Me being me, I've obsessed over why I couldn't answer. I had the answer in my head, but I wouldn't let it come out. I've since realized that my reality is that I think differently than the normal person and my history is that when I share what I think, what I feel, what I want... I get smacked pretty hard for it. So I don't say if I can get away with not saying. I don't want to live that way anymore, so saying what I feel, what I think, what I believe, truthfully and openly has become a new priority in my life. No more hiding. Never again.
• Dale because as much as you've hurt me, you were the first person I ever knew who accepted me for exactly who I am. It doesn't matter what I think or do or want, you have believed in me and made me feel like it was perfectly all right to go after it. I would not be who I am right now without the four years we have spent together. Good and bad, I'm grateful.
• Kevin you support me every single day. Even in the dark times you've been going through, I've never felt abandoned. I knew you were always there with your love and acceptance despite what you were going through. I love you more than anything, bubby. ;-)
• Alec, though your life experience is short, your soul is wise beyond your years. Though you don't always have answers, your willingness to listen to me ramble out problems or concepts is a gift I can never repay... and I appreciate your company on those mile long walks as well!

The landscape of my life is changing. I am accepting the inevitable. I am taking my hard earned wisdom and I am starting to share in a new and exciting way that I hope will inspire, teach and encourage. I'm taking my recent experiences on the dating forefront and developing a new series of erotic romance novels that is a little darker with bdsm, something I'm becoming more and more drawn to every damn day and it's time to simply admit that. And of course, I am still moving to Florida in 2012! 

A friend asked me last night what if I fail?

I got frustrated because I knew I wasn't expressing myself properly, but after sleeping on it, this is what I've decided about my life, passion and possible failure...

My plan is to write and to reach out to women. To inspire, teach and encourage... I'm already doing these things as I know by the mail you send me, so there is no "fail." I'm already published 20 times over, so there is no "fail." The early feedback I've gotten on the new series is that its the best thing I've ever written so I'm confident there is no "fail." What's going on with me now is simply a mental shift where I'm accepting the truths in my life, there is no "fail" in that either.

I realize that the typical person defines success and failure financially, but I don't. I define success by growth, by learning. By the emails I get from women who tell me they've made changes in their lives based on reading my blogs and watching my struggles and successes. I already get those so I've already succeeded. If I get to Florida and can't support myself solely on my writing, because yes I do realize it will be more expensive to live there then here, then I get a job waiting tables. Financial success isn't part of the plan, it will hopefully be a by-product of it, but the intention is to inspire, teach and encourage women into growing strong and living their dreams... I can't fail at that, I'm already doing it.

Have a wonderfully beautiful amazing weekend! Get out and enjoy the fall weather and if you are so lucky, the fall colors. Continue to bear with me through these changes because something amazing is about to happen, and I wouldn't want you to miss it! Until next time ! Samantha